Operation Graduation
by Aztec Goddess
Summary: A new law has been passed that has made it necessary for the Military and other characters that want a job to get a high school diploma. Only one will graduate in the end!
1. School: It's Good For You

Aztec Goddess: I still don't own Full Metal Alchemist. Like my other story, you might just learn something about the world here. And . . . I dunno what else to write here, so I'm gonna start the fic now.

School: It's Good For You

It was a dark and stormy night. Rain poured out of the heavens as if its gates were ripped open by hands of thunder and lightning. . . . But who cares? The next morning was bright and sunny. And that was the day Hughes, who is supposedly dead, waltzed into Mustang's office.

"Hello, my old friend! Did you miss me?" Hughes chimed.

"Holy crap!" Roy screamed. He dived under his desk and muttered frantically: "It's a ghost! Oh, dear God! I'm like Ebenezer Scrooge! Man, who would name their kid that?"

"Ghost? What would make you think that?"

"You're dead!"

Hughes became as confused as a monkey tied to a pogo stick. He scratched his head, fixed his glasses, noticed his fly was down (He was busy with the missus since he's been gone for a while.), so he zipped up his pants, then asked Roy, "Since when was I dead?"

"You were shot dead by some skimpy guy disguised as your wife! Jeez, how could you forget something like that!" It was a little uncomfortable under the desk, so Roy crawled out. He calmed down, then sat on his chair. "So, how was it like being dead?"

"I'm telling you, I never died!"

"Then who the hell did we burry under you name?"

Suddenly, Hughes understood the entire situation. "Oh, I understand now! It's quite simple: Another me from a parallel universe somehow found his way here. He's the one that died, not me!"

"So where were you the entire time?"

"High school! I'm the first in Central to ever get a diploma! Now I'm gonna get paid twice as much as you!" Hughes pulled out his diploma, looked toward the camera, and stated: "School: it's good for you!" He smiled, his teeth sparkled, and a sign that said _DON'T DO DRUGS_ flashed over his head.

"Okay . . . But why didn't you tell anyone you were in high school! Do you know how many people watching this show you pissed off!"

"Sorry, but it's a little embarrassing for a man my age to say he's going to high school."

"Oh, I see your point . . ."

Suddenly, Hawkeye busted into the room. "Sir! I've got terrible news!" Then she noticed Hughes, and shrieked. "Oh, dear God! Hughes came back from the grave for the two bucks I owe him!" She started searching through her pockets, but then Hughes explained to her:

"I'm not dead, I never died, and you also owe me a rubber band!"

"Hughes, you can get rubber bands anywhere," Roy said.

"I know, but the ones you find on the floor by accident are special, y'know? You can't just go _looking_ for a rubber band! Fate must draw you to it! That's the only way you can grow fond of it . . . until it hits you in the eye."

"I'll pay you back later, Hughes," Hawkeye said. "Anyway, let me start over. Sir, I've got terrible news."

"That doesn't have the same effect as last time," Roy mused. "Hawkeye, I need you to walk back outside, and bust in here dramatically again."

"I'm not doing that. The news is urgent, if you haven't notice."

"Then why is it taking you so long to say it?"

Hawkeye sighed heavily. "It's . . . traumatic news. The state has issued a new law: Any working man or woman without a high school diploma by the end of next year will be kicked out of the country. It's part of the new No Stoopid Peoples Act."

As Hawkeye was talking, Roy had decided to brew his morning coffee. He took a sip, then spit it out when she finished talking. "What! Why haven't I heard about any of this before!"

"It was top secret to make us all look stupid." Hawkeye looked around suspiciously. "Someone that we may or may not know is behind this!"

"Brilliant deduction!" Hughes declared. "But since this doesn't affect me, I'm just gonna say hi to everyone else then go on with my daily life! Oh, and by the way, readers, I have nothing to do with the new law!" So Hughes exited the room and did what he said he was going to do.

"So, do you know when we have to start high school?" Roy asked Hawkeye.

"Tomorrow."

"Does everyone know already?"

"How should I know? I'm considered stupid now!"

"Oh, okay then. We should start making calls now."

Hawkeye exited and Roy called Edward Elric.

"Hello?" Ed answered.

"Full Metal, I have a new mission for you: Get ready for high school tomorrow."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"I don't feel like getting into details right now, so just do what I say, or else you'll get fired."

"But-"

"There'll be time for questions tomorrow! The Maury Show is almost on! And . . . I'll pray to God every night that you don't get raped in Guatemala!"

"WHA – Where the hell did that come from!"

"Oh, sorry. Wrong script. What I meant to say was: Today's the episode where you have to guess which five out of ten women were born men! Gotta go! See you tomorrow!" Roy hung up.

Ed stared at his phone as confused as a girl falling off a swing. "Wait a minute! The Maury Show doesn't exist in our time!"

Aztec Goddess: I don't own The Maury Show either. Anyway, R&R, peoples!


	2. First Days Always Suck

Aztec Goddess: It's weird that anyone would even think of suing. They won't get any money . . . unless they're the ones who own FMA. But what are the odds of that? Anyway, big thanks to all my reviewers! You've made me so happy! (cries dramatically)

First Days Always Suck

Ed was getting ready for his first day of school. Yes, his _very_ first day since Aztec Goddess doesn't recall any episodes that show Ed in school. Lucky for Ed, he will be a senior since he's smart like that. So if he can go through this one year of high school with no problems, the retards that came up with the No Stoopid Peoples Act won't be able to kick him out of the country.

Ed wasn't even at school yet, and things were already looking pretty bad. First, he had a battle with his butter toast. That tasty bastard left more crumbs on his black shirt than in his mouth! Maybe if Ed wasn't in such a hurry, he would have been able to properly order his hand to lead the toast specifically to his mouth.

Then, as Ed was zipping up his pants while brushing his teeth, he accidentally pinched something very dear to him. "AAAHHHHHHH!" His screams could be heard from Mexico.

Al was worried for his brother. He wasn't going to high school since he doesn't work and he was afraid to see what kind of wreck Ed would be when he returns. Al knocked on the bathroom door. "Brother, are you okay?"

"_Yeah, everything's just fine!"_ Ed squeaked. He wobbled out of the bathroom, panting. "Am I gonna be late?"

"Well, if you leave right now, maybe you'll only be . . . ten minutes late?" Al guessed. "Where's this school you're going to, anyway?"

Ed's eyes nearly popped out of his head. "OH, CRAP! Freakin' Mustang never told me!" He dashed out of wherever the hell they were staying without a backpack or even a paper and pencil. Man, he's well-organized, isn't he?

Lucky for Ed, he nearly got ran over by some guy in a car. It turned out to be Hughes in his new expensive-looking car. It was shiny. It blinded Ed, so he fell on his ass due to dizziness.

"Hey, Ed!" Hughes said. "It's dangerous to stop traffic like that! Lemme give you a ride!" So Hughes dragged the confused Ed to the passenger seat. "So, where you heading?"

"Um . . ." Ed thought for a while. "To the closest high school, I guess."

Hughes gave Ed an odd look as if Ed was a dead monkey falling off a tree. " . . . Okay." He shifted his gear and drove about a couple of yards, then came to a complete stop. There was a huge high school right in front of them. "This is the high school I went to! How people never noticed me, I will never know. Good luck!"

Ed got out of the car and Hughes drove away. How could he have never noticed this high school in Central? It had a huge sign that read in red letters: _Kelly High School – Home of the Fighting Radish._ There was a picture of a big red radish sporting white boxing gloves in the bottom. No one was around. Ed figured he must be very late, so he ran inside the building.

Ed was greeted by a staff member in a red blazer. "I suppose you're one of the new seniors forced here by the No Stoopid Peoples Act?" the woman asked Ed.

"Yeah," Ed answered. The woman motioned for him to follow, so he did. She led him to an office.

The woman sat on her desk and asked, "Name?"

"Edward Elric." _Wait a minute! _His head screamed. _I didn't even register yet!_

She went through some files, then pulled one out. "Ah, here you are. Another student named Roy Mustang came early and filled out your forms already. Be sure to thank him, or karma will bite you in the ass, okay?" She handed Ed an ID card and his schedule. "You need one more thing. Wait here." She left the room.

Ed was as disturbed as someone watching Armstrong work out. "That woman said _Roy Mustang_ filled out my forms?" Ed asked himself. He sensed something terribly wrong was going to happen. He looked at his ID card. His own picture and all the right information was there. He looked at his schedule. He had all the hard classes, which is what he would have wanted. Then he looked at his file on the woman's desk.

Ed read the information out loud: "Name: Elric, Edward. Age: 16. Sex: . . . FEMALE? Oh, hell no! I'm gonna fry that Flame Alchemist's ass!"

The woman came back. She was holding a red backpack and a school uniform. A _girl's_ school uniform. She handed those things to Ed. "I'll let you change here. I'm only going easy on you since this is the first day of school, but you better not be late again. And don't forget my name. I am the secretary, Mrs. Moon-Shoulders." (Aztec Goddess: There really is a teacher in my school named that!)

Ed bit down on his lip to not laugh. Mrs. Moon-Shoulders left the room, but he didn't laugh like how he expected to. He became too pissed off at Roy. But he changed into the skimpy red skirt and white blouse in fear of getting in trouble for not wearing a uniform. The mistake could be fixed later. He didn't want to be even later for his first class: calculus! Oh, joy! "Maybe no one I know will be in my classes," Ed told himself. The uniform also came with long white stockings than covered his automail leg perfectly. He actually looked pretty good. He stuffed his other clothes inside the backpack and headed for his first class.

Ed barged into the room and said in a girly voice, "Sorry I'm late, Mr. . ." he glanced at his schedule to see the teacher's name, "Borland!" _Man, where are these people from?_

"You must be Elric," the teacher said. "There's an empty seat in the far left. You'll find a text book under your chair. You can ask a fellow student for further instructions."

"Thank you, mister!" Ed started to walk to his assigned seat. But then he saw something that made his jaw drop. His heart froze, his legs turned to jelly, and he probably would have peed if he was any younger. Sitting right next to the empty seat, in a white shirt, red pants, and a red jacket, was Envy. And he had the biggest and most sinister smile on his face in the world.

**Note: Envy calls Ed _nene_ (baby boy in Spanish) in my story just because I think it sounds cuter than chibi-san. But keep in mind that there will be no romance in this story!**

"Oh, I didn't know this about you, nene!" Envy sneered. "Can't wait to tell the others!"

Ed gave Envy his best glare, then took his seat. "Don't call me that. It's more . . . creepy than anything." He pulled out the text book from under the seat, then asked coldly, "What's the assignment?"

"Pages 6 to 11," Envy replied. He covered his mouth and snickered quietly. "Oh, this is just too perfect!"

"I'm warning you, Envy," Ed growled. "If word spreads about this, I'll . . . I'll-"

"Kill me? Good luck with that!"

Ed chose to ignore Envy. He searched through his backpack to see if he had some paper. He found a folder with a note attached to it. _I took the liberty to get you everything you need for the year. Give me your first year's pay after we graduate and I'll call it even. Roy Mustang._

"I'm not gonna pay you crap," Ed muttered under his breath. He opened the folder and did find everything he needed. Paper, pencils, a ruler, etc. He began to work on the assigned work.

"Hey, nene," Envy whispered. Ed ignored him. "Nene, nene . . . nene!"

"What?" Ed hissed.

"Jeez, why are you so pissed? I was just gonna tell you that your boxers are showing."

Ed pulled down his skirt. The people behind him started whispering. He wanted nothing more than to turn his arm into a blade and start a massacre. _Calm down, _Ed told himself. _First days always suck._

Some more than usual, huh?

Aztec Goddess: R & R! Please tell me if there are some parts I need to fix. If you're wondering_, nene_ is pronounced with both e's being the same as in the word _met_.

To **nadisrad**: Yay! I'm still funny! I though I used up all my good ideas in my last fic, but maybe not!

To **arynna**: You've given me a lot to think about . . . How'd you know I like cookies and goldfish crackers? That was crazy psychicness right there, man!

To **blackfirewolfX**: Yesh! Even my philosophy is funny! Hughes shouldn't be dead. That was so messed up!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: I update twice a week. Hopefully, all will remain great.

To **White-Destiny-Pure-Snow**: Hee-hee. That's one of my favorite parts too!

To **Nikki**: There are a couple other high school stories out there. But, yeah, I think mine's the only one like this. Glad you liked it!

To **Hoshi Akarui**: I take it that you enjoyed the first chapter? Yay!

To **sexylucifer**: Yeah, I wanna focus on similes in this story. They're fun to write!

To **Paola**: What if Abe never reads? Or what if he decided he wants to read when it's too late? Tis so suspenseful. Hope this story turns out just as good as the last one.


	3. We All Need Counseling

Aztec Goddess: I have less than a week of school left! So once school's over, I can update more often! Whee! This fic is doing better than my last one!

We All Need Counseling

Ed's first day was going along horribly, but Roy's looked like it was going to be pretty good. He had Psychology first period and showed off his fire-creating skills to the teacher. The teacher was so amazed, he gave Roy a cookie. So, yeah, that class will be an easy A.

Havoc was in the same class. He and Roy spent most of the time flicking pencils to the ground to see girls bend over. Some stupid girls actually did fall into their traps. Kelly High is like Heaven for them. "Miniskirts everywhere!" Roy had squealed to Havoc in the beginning of class. They both squealed and jumped up and down for the first couple minutes of class until the teacher told them to sit down.

Roy and Havoc went separate ways in passing period. Roy was prancing around like a hyperactive pervert, checking out all the girls. But then, one particular girl caught his eye. She was walking the same way he was supposed to go. Roy followed close behind. She was short – she couldn't be a senior or be on her way to Economics. But she had a nice butt, and that's all Roy noticed. He couldn't resist.

"Hey, cutie! You a senior?" Roy called out. Before the girl had time to turn around, he grabbed her ass.

"AH!" the girl shrieked. "What the hell's your problem, you –" she looked up at Roy, and became speechless. A look of horror swept across her face.

Roy was as shocked as a bird sitting on a malfunctioning telephone wire. " . . . Full Metal?"

"You know anyone else with an automail arm?" the girl, which was Ed, shrieked. How did Roy miss that? Oh, right, Ed's ass.

"Oh, dear God!" Roy clutched his hand. "My hand! It's ruined! I must burn it now!" He put his fingers in a snapping position.

"This is all your fault! And don't bother burning your hand off, lemme chop it off for ya!" Ed clapped his hands and was about to turn his automail arm into a blade, but Riza Hawkeye came by just in time.

"Roy! Don't pick fights with little girls! You want to get expelled?" Riza said.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE'LL GET EATEN BY A DUST BUNNY!"

Riza raised an eyebrow at Ed. "I said no such thing. Tell your doctor to take you off the medication he's been giving you."

"Hawkeye, it's me."

" . . . Ed? Oh, wow. I didn't know this about you." Riza backed away from Ed. "This . . . this is awkward."

"It's freakin' Roy's fault!" Ed pointed at the air. "Now if you don't mind, I must kill him for this." Ed turned around and saw that Roy was nowhere in sight. In fact, there were hardly any people in the halls.

"I don't want to get involved in whatever Roy did to you, so just don't tell me, okay?" Riza said. "Looks like we're running late. Are you heading to Economics, too?" Ed nodded, so they jolted to the class. They were the last ones there, so the teacher assigned tem their seats. Riza sat on the left side of class, behind Roy. Ed sat on the right side of class, right next to . . .

"What, the, crap," Ed said a bit tiredly. It was only second period, and too many things have already gone wrong.

"How did you come so late, nene?" Envy said. It wasn't really a question. He just wanted to be annoying. "I can show you a shortcut if you wanna know: don't go the wrong way!"

"I was only trying to avoid you!" Ed spat. He took his seat and scooted as far away from Envy as possible. "Are you in all of my classes, or something?"

"Well, if your schedule is: Calculus with Borland, Economics with Johnson, Spanish with Alvarez, English with Boullon, Psychology with Latham, and Business with Abe, then, yes, I'm in all of your classes."

Ed read, reread, and reread his schedule once again, then slammed his head against the desk. "Why me?" he sobbed.

Envy took Ed's schedule away and read it himself. "Wow, every single class! That makes you my new best friend!"

"Where'd you come up with that logic?"

"It would be more convenient." Envy replied matter-of-factly. "I promise I won't put your personal life against you."

"What a liar! You just wanna kill me when I least expect it."

Envy shrugged. "Believe what you want, nene. But if we're enemies, there's a pretty good chance I'll get you expelled just for the hell of it!"

"What are you doing in high school anyway?" Ed asked coldly.

"We, as in me and my six other friends, know all about the problem you State Alchemists are facing. So we're here mainly to make things more difficult for you guys!"

"Jeez, get a hobby."

"Tormenting you guys IS our hobby!"

Just then, Mr. Johnson came over and slammed his fist on Ed's desk, making both Ed and Envy jump. "Hey, you two! Shut up!" He stared at Ed for a second; maybe realizing that he's a guy, then shook his head and went back to his usual spot in front of class.

Economics went by pretty fast. Ed darted out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang and ran back to Moon-Shoulder's office. He couldn't wait any longer to get out of the skirt. And if he wanted to kill Roy, he needed his dignity back first.

"Mrs. Moon-Shoulders, there's been a mistake! I'm a guy! Can't you see that?"

Moon-Shoulders looked at Ed from head to foot. "No. If you want to be proven male, then you should go see the school nurse. Her office is across from here. Then you need to see me again, to fix the problem, then to your counselor, because you look a bit troubled. I mean, it took you two periods to realize that you're wearing the wrong uniform!"

Ed tried to explain himself, but the secretary had already shoved him out of her office. So he went to see the nurse, Ms. Lipps. She was an old, historic lady with the dimensions of a toothpick. "What seems to be the problem, sweety?" she asked Ed.

"I'm a guy, and I suppose I need proof of that from you," Ed replied.

"Oh, don't say you're a guy, sweety! I'm sure you're beautiful on the inside!"

"No! I'm literally a guy!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself! Would a lollypop make you feel better?"

Ed was getting impatient. "Listen lady; just sign a paper saying I'm a guy, or something!"

"Teenagers and their awkward stages," Lipps mumbled. She took out a pen and paper from her pocket and scribbled all over it. "Here you go."

Ed left back to Moon-Shoulder's office in a hurry. He tried to read the paper Lipps gave him, but it looked more like worms doing the tango than anything else.

"Okay, I've got proof," Ed said to the secretary. "Can I get the right uniform now?" He handed the paper to her.

Moon-Shoulders read the paper. "It says here you have low self-esteem. Ms. Lips advises that you should get a girlfriend, and maybe that will make you stop cross-dressing. And also . . . worms are doing the tango on tonight's episode of Ripley's! Wow, I've gotta see that!"

"Um . . . so can I get my uniform now?"

"Tomorrow. We have no more boy uniforms at the moment, so the one you're wearing will have to do! And don't forget to see your councilor! She's two doors down from here."

"What? You can't expect me to wear this the rest of the day!"

"Sure I can. Now leave!"

Ed grumbled a couple of bad words under his breath, then walked to his councilor's office. It turned out to be Sloth.

"Whoa! Foo, you messed up!" Sloth exclaimed.

"Why are you talking like that?" Ed asked, really startled.

"Sorry. That tends to happen when you hang around weird teenagers all day." Then Sloth went back to talking all weird. "So, what up? Finally got outta the closet?"

"No!" Ed took a seat and explained everything. "First of all, I was forced to come here by some retarded people. Then Roy filled out my forms and wrote in that I'm a female! Now I have to constantly worry about Envy since he's in all of my freakin' classes!" Ed had a moment of silence. "I want my mommy."

Sloth went back to talking normal. "Oh, you poor thing! I'd help you, but I'm on Envy's side. And I'm not too fond of you."

Ed stood up. "Then I'll fix all these problems myself! I'll be the most popular GUY in school, I'll kick Roy's ass to Cuba, and I'll get rid of all the homunculi! I won't let any of them come between me and my diploma!"

"Hey, don't talk like I'm not here! That is like, so totally rude!" Sloth shoved Ed so he toppled over the chair, then headed for the door. "By the way: your blue boxers totally clash with your uniform! Don't you know anything about style?" Then she left the room.

Aztec Goddess: I added Drama as the second genre because, man, I didn't expect so much of it to show up in this story! Oh, well. I'll make it all work somehow.

To **iamdeath**: (starry eyed) Wow. A 9/10! I consider that extremely good. Thank you!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Man, this chapter was kinda hard to make as funny as the others. Hopefully, it won't drive you away. I promise to try harder next chapter!

To **sexylucifer**: Wow, that's a lot. Um, let's just say Ed shaves. Wait, is that worse?

To **jessica**: I'll keep on going as long as I get reviews. I think this story is gonna end up being pretty long though. Hope you'll keep on reading!

To **Hoshi Akarui**: I just like putting Ed in bad situations. I dunno why. It's fun!

To **no one's friend**: You think I'm scary but good? Yay! You're my friend now!

To **monik**: Hey, I can't find you here. You're demonik, right? Hm . . . strange. But thanks for reading my stories!

To **Paola**: Viola is a type of violin! Anyway, _voila_, I put those teachers in! Wow, I just realized that I'm still writing about the first day of school.


	4. Spanish 101

Aztec Goddess: Last week of school for me! Man, I'm so anxious! Anyway, I do not claim ownership of any of the songs mentioned here.

Spanish 101

Hughes went to work not long after he dropped Ed off at school. He was a couple hours late and still in his pajama bottoms, but he was the only one there, so it didn't matter. He saw this as a nice chance to redecorate. First stop: Roy's office.

"This is what you get for not being interested in my beautiful stories about my daughter!" Hughes stapled dozens of pictures of his daughter all over Roy's office. Then he took out a pink marker and drew pretty flowers in any empty space between his daughter's pictures. And in a big empty space on Roy's desk, he wrote _Roy x Ed_ in a big heart. Next victim: Riza.

"This is for stealing my beloved rubber band!" Hughes wrote on a wall in huge letters RUBBER STEALER. "Whoa, that came out wrong . . . Oh, well!" He took out some more markers and drew random stuff on the wall like Riza in a skirt with hairy legs, Roy in the background throwing up, and Armstrong falling out of a tree.

Hughes did similar things to all the other offices. When he was done, he looked over his work and said, "Man, I am so screwed when they come back here!" To get his mind off things, Hughes turned on the radio and flipped through the stations.

A very odd Spanish song caught Hughes' attention. He tried to figure out what it was saying. "Um . . . it sounds like the singers really like gasoline . . . How would a cat start a mower? . . . Oh. Ew!" Then he came to a realization. "Wow, I learned so much Spanish in high school! I could, like, be a Spanish teacher!" Then Hughes jumped atop a desk, danced to the reggaetton beat, and sang along: "A mi me gusta la gasolina!" Then in a girly voice: "Dame mas gasolina!"

**Translation: "I like gasoline!" "Give me more gasoline!" **

_Meanwhile, back in Kelly High (third period) . . ._

"How'd you manage to be late again, nene?" Envy said to Ed. They sat right next to each other, as usual.

"None of your business!" Ed spat. " . . . So, did I miss anything?" It pained him to have to ask Envy for something, especially the second time in one day! But it was either Envy, or the person sitting in front of him: Gluttony. He was busy chewing on the desk with that same retarded look on his face anyway. Ed glanced around the room and noticed that all the homunculi – except for Sloth, of course – were in his class.

"You don't deserve to know," Envy replied. Then he turned his attention to the teacher, Mr. Alvarez, who was ranting like crazy in Spanish. The entire class – except for Ed – suddenly burst out laughing.

"What? What'd I miss?" Ed asked Envy, who was laughing hysterically, barely able to hold on to his desk to not fall to the floor.

"You suck, nene! . . . You saying . . . you don't understand . . . any Spanish?" Envy managed to say between laughs.

"I don't even know what _nene_ means! I just know it sounds creepy!"

Envy stopped laughing. "Whoa, then what are you doing in Spanish Literature, the most difficult Spanish class in school?"

Gluttony turned around to point and laugh at Ed. "Even me fooant at Spanish!"

Lust, who was sitting diagonally from Gluttony, patted him on the head. "And we are so proud of you for that!" she said as if she was talking to a baby.

Ed, felling stupid, tried to defend himself. "But I know some Spanish words! Like, um . . . burrito!"

"You know what that means?" Envy asked.

"It's chicken wrapped in a flour tortilla! Hey, I know the word _tortilla_, too!" Ed declared triumphantly. The three homunculi burst out laughing. "What? What's so funny?"

"A _burrito_ is a little donkey, you dumbass!" Envy laughed. The other homunculi and other random people within earshot nodded in agreement. Ed hid his face in his arms.

"Feeling _embarasada_?" Envy whispered to Ed. Ed hesitantly nodded, which made Envy laugh some more. "So, exactly how does it feel like to be pregnant?"

Ed angrily lifted his head up. "Shut up already! I'll show you – I'll be the best Spanish speaker in the world by the end of this year!" Envy snickered, and muttered something in Spanish under his breath. "I hate you so much . . ." Ed growled.

"Igualmente!" Envy replied. **Translation: "Same here!" **"Can't you just admit I'm so much better than you?"

Ed looked at Envy a bit confused by the first part. "Okay, so you're better than me in one insignificant subject! But that won't last long 'cause I'm gonna be the best at everything!"

The bell rang. Envy walked with Ed to English, and there was nothing Ed could do about it. "You think you can be one of the popular peoples?" Envy asked Ed.

"Starting tomorrow, that's my plan," Ed replied. "And I would appreciate it if you would stay as far away from me as possible."

"Yeah, like that's gonna happen," Envy snorted. Then a smile swept across his face. "So, you really think you can get a date by next week?"

Ed gave Envy a disturbed look as if he was watching someone beating a frog with a stick. " . . . What for?"

"Homecoming, duh! All the popular people go to the dances!" Envy couldn't help but widen his smile. "If you ask nicely, I think I can persuade Roy to go with you!"

"YOU SICK MONKEY LOVER!" Ed screeched. "What gave you the idea that-"

"Lust said she saw Roy grope you during passing period," Envy paused for a while. "Damn, I got so much sht on you, it's gonna be too easy to ruin your life forever!" Ed stopped walking. "What's wrong with you now?"

Ed gave Envy the evil eye. "You and Roy are gonna regret the day you met Edward Elric," he said in his most pissed off voice. Then he started walking the other way. "This school day's lasted too long. I'm ditching."

Envy shrugged. "That's just another thing I can get you in trouble for." Then he called out so Ed can hear him loud and clear, "Seems like you've got a lot on your to-do list! Don't worry nene; I'll make sure none of it happens!"

Ed paid no attention to Envy's remark. He went into the nearest boy's bathroom and changed into his normal clothes. Then he walked back to the place he was staying at, which is . . . an apartment! So, Ed and Al are living in some apartment in Central. Yay, I filled up a plot hole!

Ed slammed the door of the apartment open and stormed into the living room, where Al was watching TV. Just by the look on Ed's face, Al could tell Ed didn't have a good first day. He was also about three hours early, which meant . . .

"Brother! You ditched? Is high school really so horrible?"

"Considering Envy's in all my classes and Roy purposely messed up on my forms, _horrible_ is an understatement!" Ed grumbled.

"Oh, I see," Al replied. Then he suggested, "Let's visit Mister Hughes! He's probably bored to death all alone at work!"

Ed cheered up. Maybe Hughes was having a bad day too! That would make him feel better. So the Elric brothers walked over to work. As soon as they opened the main door, loud booming music could be heard. They advanced cautiously, thinking that maybe some rowdy teenagers took over the place.

"HUGHES!" the brothers called out. "CAN YOU HEAR US?" They wondered around, noticing tons of scribbles and pictures on the wall. It looked like a battle zone. "HUGHES! ARE YOU OKAY?"

Then Hughes came out of nowhere. Using a marker as a microphone, he was singing along, or rather _screaming_, to the song playing on the radio: "I WANT A FREAK – A MONSTER IN BED! THE LAST THING I NEED IS – oh, hi Ed!"

Ed and Al were like two birds that ran into a glass window. "Um, Hughes? Are you okay?" Ed asked.

"What happened to this place?" Al asked.

Hughes quickly hid his marker behind his back and came up with a brilliant story: "Uh . . . that freakin' cat from across the street did all this! I tried to stop it, but that crafty feline somehow got me to start singing! I couldn't stop! It was like I was possessed!" He hugged Ed. "Thank you! You saved me!"

Ed and Al grasped on to every word Hughes said in utter horror. "Goodness!" Al said. "I would have never imagined a cat being so evil!"

"Um, don't make a big deal about it, okay?" Hughes said. "No one would take State Alchemists seriously if they found out we were outsmarted by a cat!"

"Yeah, let's never speak of this again," Ed agreed.

Aztec Goddess: Whee! Four chapters already! Man, at this rate . . . there are gonna be a lot of chapters. I bleeped sht because I don't know if I can use that word here. Remember to R & R!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Wow. The Johnson in my school looks like Armstrong. (looks around suspiciously) It's a conspiracy!

To **nadisrad**: Heh, I wonder if that's possible . . . Well, at least I don't have to worry about that now! I'd imagine getting my ass kicked that hard would hurt a bit!

To **iamdeath**: No, I wasn't being sarcastic! Man, if I get a grade like that on my finals, I'd be the happiest little Aztec freak in the world! (that wasn't sarcasm either)

To **naGami cabAsa**: Wow, new adjectives! Amusing and lovely! Thank you!

To **Paola**: I'm planning on making him a teacher later on. There. Ed got out of the girl's uniform. Hm, Alvarez looked happy in fourth period. But I guess it's because of the retarded letter I wrote. He was laughing!


	5. The Price of Manliness

Aztec Goddess: (does the last day of school dance) I'm free! . . . For the moment. Now I'm gonna make it my goal to update three times a week! Just so you know - this chapter is mainly here to build up suspense.

The Price of Manliness

Ed needed to come up with a good comeback plan against Envy and Roy, and quick! First, he spent most of the rest of the day in the library reading Spanish books for infants. "Hm . . . so _nene_ means _baby boy_?" Ed finally realized. He shuddered. "This is what Envy's been calling me all this time! Urg, don't think too much about it, Ed. He's only trying to screw with your head."

Ed walked back to his apartment finally remembering that he had no clue what he had for homework. Well, except for Calculus and Economics, but he finished those in class. But he didn't allow himself to worry about it. Tomorrow, everything would be fixed. He'll find some blackmail against Envy somehow, kill Roy, and all would be right with the world. Yes, Ed saw no flaws in this.

He woke up the next morning in a much better mood. This made Al a little uncomfortable. While Ed was finishing up breakfast, Al asked, "Brother, what are you thinking? You've got this crazy look on your face!"

Ed's eyes widened. He rushed to the nearest mirror. "Oh, crap! If I get acne now-"

"I didn't mean that," Al said. "What's going on? You didn't even tell me what happened in school yesterday!"

"Guys don't talk about their day! It's unmanly!" With that said, Ed grabbed his backpack and headed out the door to Kelly High. Al would have usually been hurt by that remark, but it pissed him off instead.

"My own brother has questioned my manliness!" Al gasped. "As soon as he comes back home, this means war!" Al took down all his pictures of kittens off the wall and replaced them with puppies. "Wait, that's not any better!" He finally decided to have nothing up on the walls. Then he painted all the colorful furniture black.

As soon as Al finished redecorating, the door bell rang. Naturally, he opened the door. Five odd looking guys and a camera man came in. "Hello! We are the Fab Five!" one of the guys explained to Al. "Aztec Goddess doesn't claim ownership of us. Wouldn't that be odd? Anyway, you have been chosen randomly to get a queer eye for a straight guy!"

Al was as freaked out as a sane person would be if they were reading this. "What the hell! Get out of here, you . . . you people!" Al tried to shoo them out of the door, but the little fairies pranced out of his way and into the living room.

"Goodness!" one of them said. "This place is so plain! You must allow us to fix this place up!"

Al groaned. He was outnumbered and a little too scared to argue.

_Meanwhile, in Kelly High (first period) . . ._

Ed picked up his new uniform before school started. He was still a little nervous though. _What if people remember that I was wearing a skirt yesterday?_ he thought. But at least he was ready to face Envy. He had a plan that sounded like a great idea last night, but now . . . well, you'll see.

"Good morning, nene!" Envy greeted Ed in the beginning of Calculus. "I saved you a seat in all your other classes right next to me!"

"Jeez, when will you give up!" Ed said loud enough for the entire class to hear. He sat down on his chair. "I told you already: NO, I will not go out with you! I don't swing that way!" That got all the other students' attention.

Envy quickly caught on to what Ed was trying to do. _He's trying to make me look like an idiot? Humph, what a novice!_ "What are you talking about, nene? Weren't you wearing the girl's uniform just the other day?"

"Get off the crack! I wasn't even here yesterday!"

Envy nearly laughed. "You seriously expect anyone to believe that?" Everyone in the class gave Envy an odd look.

"I didn't see that guy in class yesterday," a student said.

"Yeah, neither did I," some other students agreed.

"Fine, whatever!" Envy yielded. He quieted down and started doing the work Borland had assigned. Ed started doing the same with a snug smile on his face. Looked like his half-baked plan was working! But he didn't feel so proud about the fact that no one noticed him enough to realize that he was really in school yesterday.

In the middle of class, Envy whispered to Ed, "This isn't over yet! I'll beat your ass in homecoming!" Ed gave Envy a started look. "What? Did you already forget about that? You don't have a date, do you?"

"I'll get one soon enough, so shut up!" Ed whispered back.

Calculus ended and Ed sped towards Economics far ahead of Envy. He met Riza in the halls. Well, this was his first resort. "Um, Riza? Can I ask you for a favor?"

"If this is about homecoming, I already promised Roy I'd go with him." Ed could only gawk at Riza. "Don't look at me that way! It's not like I like him, but he promised me a repair kit for the rubber band I broke!"

_Was that adult talk, or something?_ Ed thought. He didn't want to ask, so he just made his way to Economics class. He found his second resort there: Maria.

"Um-" Ed was about to ask.

"Denny," Maria replied, not having to hear Ed's question.

_Okay, this is gonna be harder that I thought_, Ed said to himself. Then he noticed Roy talking to Fury as if there was absolutely nothing going on.

"Roy!" Ed slammed his automail fist on Roy's table, making a nice big dent. Roy just looked at him casually.

"What's wrong?" Roy asked. "The boy's uniform isn't to your liking?"

"You've prolonged your fate for too long! After school; in the parking lot! Don't be late!"

"Haven't you outgrown play dates yet?" Roy yawned. "You're so immature. So I made a mistake on your forms – get over it already!"

Johnson made his way to Ed and Roy. "Is there a problem here? . . . Good God! What'd you do to the desk, Mustang!"

Before Roy could open his mouth, Ed said, "That's what I'm yelling at him for! He's destroying school property!" Ed clapped his hands and used alchemy to fix up the desk.

"Wow, impressive!" Johnson said. "What's your name? I don't remember seeing you yesterday."

"Edward Elric."

"Hey, that's the same name as that one weird girl! How convenient!" Johnson wet back to the front of class.

Ed made his way to his seat. Envy was already there and he started whining to Ed, "How can people not realize that YOU were that weird girl!" Then he smiled. "Looks like you got lady's luck!"

"Shut up, you burrito!"

Envy laughed. "You need to say it with an accent; otherwise you sound just plain retarded!"

Before they knew it, it was time for Spanish. Ed was about to ask Lust to go to homecoming with, but all he had to do was look at her, and she replied, "Greed."

"You're getting desperate, aren't you, nene?" Envy snickered.

"Quit acting like _you've _got a date!" Ed growled. Hm, he seems to growl a lot around Envy. Tsk, tsk. That's unhealthy.

Envy gave Ed a sly smile in response. "All you have to do is ask, and I'll help you!" Envy said a bit too happily.

"At the cost of what? My soul?" Ed retorted.

"I was just looking for a free lunch, but that sounds much better!"

"Jeez, you think finding a date is easy?"

"I bet I can find you the perfect date!" Envy held out his hand. "How 'bout a truce? I help you; you help me?"

What choice did Ed have? He couldn't think of any other girl he could go with. Before he shook Envy's hand, he asked, "Exactly what do _you_ need help with?"

"You'll find out soon enough," was all Envy said.

" . . . Whatever." Ed shook Envy's hand. He felt a chill go down his spine as if he were selling his soul to the devil. He saw Gluttony whisper something to Lust. Lust gave him an amused look, glanced at Ed and Envy, then patted Gluttony on the head. What had Ed gotten himself into?

Ed had no time to wonder that in Spanish class. He had to focus all his attention on Alvarez to even have a chance in understanding half of what he said. He heard the words _exam, study, _and . . . _sports bra_? Oh, well. He didn't need an A in every class, right?

It was time for English. "Who do you have in mind?" Ed asked Envy there. "For my date, I mean."

"I can't tell you! It'll ruin the surprise!" Envy replied. He kept quiet about homecoming the rest of the day.

Lunch came and went. Twenty-nine minutes isn't enough time to eat! Why can't the freaking school make it _thirty_ minutes! Those retards.

Not much happened in Psychology or in Business. Ed whined with all his might, but Envy still wouldn't tell him anything. Ed gave up.

The bell rang, and Ed raced to the parking lot. Roy wasn't there. "Damn that chicken," Ed mumbled. He waited a few minutes, and instead of Roy, Riza came.

"Roy couldn't make it," she said. "But he wants me to deliver a message to you: Leave me alone, you annoying little girl. I don't want a midget like you to ruin my rep."

Ed was as pissed off as a Mexican going to a party where there's no carne asada. "Did he seriously say that!" Ed yelled.

Riza nodded. "I'm as surprised as you are! I thought you two had a little something-something going on!" Ed was getting angrier by the second, so Riza decided to leave right away.

Ed headed home. He ran into Envy and Wrath on the way. Wrath looks so cute in uniform! They were talking in Spanish but Ed heard the word _nene _a couple of times.

"Hey, what are you guys saying about me?" Ed demanded to know.

Envy finished up his sentence, and Wrath started giggling. Then Envy turned to Ed. "I told you already! I can't tell you!"

"I'll go ahead," Wrath told Envy. He started running to where the other homunculi were, I guess. "Have a great time at homecoming, Ed!" he called out.

Ed glared at Envy suspiciously. Envy made a zipper motion over his mouth. "Fine, I won't ask anymore," Ed sighed. "But . . . um . . ." He needed to tell Envy something, but was afraid that he'll fall in even deeper crud.

"Hm? What is it?" Envy gave Ed an innocent look, which intimidated Ed.

" . . . I have another favor to ask of you," Ed said awkwardly.

Aztec Goddess: What have the Fab Five done to the apartment? Will Ed ever get back at Roy? How trustworthy is Envy? What will happen at homecoming? What's the other favor? Most of these questions will probably be answered in the next chapter of Operation Graduation!

To **iamdeath**: Thank you! Man, I better get good grades! I studied my ass off! . . . While I was typing this, watching TV, and listening to some CDs . . . (nervous laugh)

To **GoodCharlottegrl **(ch 3): I understand _palm tree, _but _pineapple_? Hm, maybe if Envy puts on a lot of weight. But I think he looks pretty the way he is!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Yes, Ed's a burrito when it comes to Spanish. Hee-hee! That sounded funny! Anyway, what Spanish are you in? My school goes up to Literature, which is like Spanish 6. (I just finished Spanish 3 since I was a freshman.)

To **sexylucifer** (ch 3): LOL! No, I don't think Ed would have to shave there! It doesn't look like he's gone through puberty yet!

To **sexylucifer** (ch 4): That song is meant to stick out. I just felt like being random when I was writing it.

To **nadisrad**: Thanks, that's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders! Okay, I'm gonna try to make the next chapter as funny as possible.

To **GoodCharlottegrl** (ch 4): I've been wondering that my entire life. This is the explanation I came up with: The dumbass who discovered the burrito has never seen a donkey before, but he has read stories about one, and somehow came up with the conclusion that donkeys look like chicken wrapped in a tortilla. . . . Or maybe burritos are made out of donkeys! Hm, I prefer my first explanation.

To **no one's friend**: I'm not sure if anyone's gonna really die here, but there will be a lot of people getting expelled! Will Ed be one of them? I dunno.

To **Paola**: Alvarez is so nice to you guys! But, oh well, my class ain't that great. I bet he's gonna miss you guys. That's probably why he sounded sad. Why would a teacher get sad for getting their overhead jacked? Unless he has to pay for it. Man, that'll suck. My mom threw away the piece of glass I took from his broken window. I wonder if the cops ever found the people . . . At least they have blood evidence. Man, that was so sudden!


	6. Just Desserts

Aztec Goddess: My dog walks sideways. I don't own Final Fantasy. Crude language alert. Anyhoo, here's the next chapter!

Just Desserts

"PURPLE DRAPES?" Al yelled at the Fab Five. "What the hell is your guys' problem!"

"It's called _style_, you poorly dressed man," one of them said.

Another member of the Fab Five handed Al a fuzzy pink hat. "Here. Pink does wonders to that shade of blue!"

" . . . Okay, I think I've been patient for too long with you people," Al said. Then he yelled, "I challenge all of you to a Final Fantasy style battle!"

The screen swirled, then Al magically transported to one side of the room and the Fab Five and their camera man stood on the other side. Battle music began to play in the background.

One of the fairies used _Sugar and Spice_. Colorful dust fell all over Al. Al, being a suit of armor, was immune to Poison. Al counterattacked with a megaton punch. The camera man jumped in front of the fairy, and was destroyed in his place.

"AH!" a Fab Five guy screeched. "Time out! Time out!"

Al sighed. "Fine, but just this once."

"Phoenix Down! Phoenix Down!" the guy repeated over and over while pouring tons of Phoenix Down on the seemingly dead camera man.

In an instant, the camera man stood up, completely unharmed. "Man, this is getting too weird," he said. "I'm leaving." Then he left the apartment.

The Fab Five sobbed. "That was the only guy in the world willing enough to record our show!"

"Why can't you just get a girl?" Al asked.

"'Cause that'll be just plain awkward."

"Oh, I see." Then Al resumed his fighting stance. "Time in!" Al used _Focus_ on himself.

The Fab Five saw this as their chance to use their ultimate attack: _Rainbow of Happiness_! They shot out a different color beam, creating a rainbow minus the color blue because that's too manly for them. But, since rainbows curve, their attack went right over Al and blew up his living room.

"What the hell, you fuckin' assholes!" Al cussed like he never cussed before, which I believe is the case. "How dare you fuckin' destroy my shitty home! _ULTIMA_!" With that final attack, Al obliterated the Fab Five . . . along with the rest of his apartment room. "Crap," was all he could say when he realized what he had done. But all was not lost! Al gained 60,000 dollars and a gift certificate for Victoria's Secret from the battle.

Then Ed came home. "Um, Al? What happened here?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Al walked Ed out of the apartment. "It's just, you know: when you live in an apartment for too long, it blows up! Let's go look for another place to live!" And so they moved into the apartment across the street.

The new apartment seemed much nicer. The rooms were way bigger, the floors were marble, and the carpets were Persian, and the toilet was in the bathroom! The Elric brothers had nothing to unpack, so they just made themselves comfortable in their fluffy king sized beds.

"Al, how'd you afford all this?" Ed asked as he stared up at the pretty glass and golden chandeliers.

Before Al could reply, the door swung open. "HELLO, NEW NEIGHBORS!" the intruder yelled. It was none other than Envy. "Hey, it's you, nene! How convenient!"

"Man, can't I ever have a peaceful moment?" Ed whined.

Al tilted his armor head at Envy. "Aren't you that crazy homunculus-"

"The word for him is _hermaphrodite_," Ed butted in.

"Hey, you meant that in a bad way!" Envy gasped. "You should be nicer to the one you owe two big favors to!"

"How do I know you'll even do them?"

Envy smiled deviously. "Heh – heh. Just wait and see!" He left the room, snickering.

"Favors?" Al asked Ed. "He's doing stuff for you?"

"I guess," Ed answered.

"What can't you do on your own?"

"I need a date for homecoming and I need help on getting back at Roy."

"You can't get your own date?" Al began to laugh. "That's sad. And you called _me_ unmanly!"

"Hey, stop laughing! Thinks are all messed up now, but everything will be fixed . . . soon . . . right? Oh, crap! Please tell me things are gonna get better for me!"

"I'm not going to lie to you, brother . . ." and that's all Al said.

_About a week later, an hour before homecoming . . ._

Roy was getting ready to pick up Riza at her house. He got Hughes to let him borrow his new kick-ass car. All was going well. In fact, nothing terribly wrong had happened to Roy at all yet – except that time he grabbed Ed's ass. But he was over that already.

So Roy jumped into the pretty and shiny car and began to drive it. Well, what are you supposed to do with a car? But only after a few minutes on the road, he was pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to his window. "Sir, this vehicle has been reported stolen," the cop said to Roy. "License and registration?"

_Is this your best shot, Ed? _Roy thought. "That isn't true officer. I borrowed it from a friend."

"License and registration?" the cop repeated.

"What a waste of time," Roy mumbled. He pulled out his wallet . . . and there was nothing in it but a scrap of paper that read _Ha, Ha! You are so screwed!_ "What the . . . Um, officer. I think I left my stuff at home, so if you would be so kind to-"

"Get out of the car," the cop ordered.

"But-" Roy's sentence was cut short by wailing coming from the trunk.

"OPEN THE TRUNK AND GET OUT OF THE CAR!" the cop shrieked as he pointed a gun at Roy. Roy, due to the fact that he had the crap scared out of him, obeyed. The cop dragged Roy out of the car, cuffed him, then dragged him behind the car so they could examine the trunk together.

It was poor Elysia all tied up with tape over her mouth. "You sick bastard!" the cop scolded Roy.

"But I didn't even know she was there!" Roy defended himself.

"That's what all sexual predators say." Just to be fair to Roy, the cop untied Elysia, took the tape off her mouth, and asked her, "Do you know who did this to you, sweetie?"

Elysia nodded, and pointed to Roy. "That man! I remember him exactly! He said we were going to play a fun game, so he tied me up and shoved me in the trunk of daddy's car! And then a little while later, the car started to move! He stole daddy's car, didn't he? What's so fun about that, huh?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Roy yelled at Elysia. "I haven't even seen you all day!"

"It's too late to come up with bullshit, you criminal!" the cop yelled.

"Bullshit! You're bullshit! There aren't any cops around here!"

"Well, there are now since there aren't enough StateMilitary peopleto do the job."

More cop cars came over and surrounded Hughes' car. Envy and the other homunculi watched the entire thing from a restaurant at the street corner. Envy was very pleased with what he had caused. "That was fun! . . . But maybe a bit too simple."

"What did you do, exactly?" Lust asked.

"First, I disguised myself as Roy and stuffed that one little girl in the trunk. Then I disguised myself as Hughes when Roy asked to borrow the car. So, when the real Hughes woke up from work, he first noticed that his car was missing!"

"Wow," Wrath said. "So, what are you getting in return?"

"I haven't decided yet. First, I need to be positively sure that nene trusts me. That might take a while. Then it'll be easy to get him expelled! Once the StateMilitary isgone, we can do whatever the hell we want with this country!"

"Oh, that reminds me . . ." Sloth started. She took out several files from a backpack and sprawled them all over the restaurant table. "As their councilor, I have had several visits from the State Military people. This is all the dirt I have on them so far."

The homunculi helped themselves to the files.

"Armstrong takes steroids! I knew it!" Pride declared.

"Fury's a violent drunk? Interesting . . ." Lust said.

"Havoc takes ballet? Creepy." Greed threw Havoc's file aside and took another one. "Ross shops at Ross! How cheap is that?"

Gluttony tried to be part of the moment, but he's illiterate and would probably want to eat the files if he grabs them. So he went to some strangers' table and ate their food.

"Hey, Envy. Isn't homecoming today?" Wrath asked.

"Oh, yeah! I need to get nene's date ready!" Envy stood up from the table and began to leave the restaurant. "You guys should go to homecoming, too! It's a good chance to screw with the State Military!"

Aztec Goddess: Um . . . Hm . . . I have nothing to write here. I named my baby bunny Chicharrón which means pork skin. Bless his/her soul!

To **Hoshi Akarui**: Yeah, triste means sad, but you wouldn't usually use it by itself. I'm kinda feeling bad for Ed now . . . nah.

To **arynna** (ch 4): Eep! You scared me when I read "stupid" . . . but then again, even I think that's what it is. I never have a clue on how the next chapter will turn out like!

To **arynna** (ch 5): (trips over goldfish crackers) Who left the crackers here! Ed: That's what you get for making my life so crappy in this story! HAHAHA! Sweet revenge! Me: . . . Roy's right. You're so immature. Ed: I am not! (runs to his room crying)

To **Paola**: Chompipe! Guajolote! Pavo! Man, I love turkeys. Well, you know Gallegos already. Spanish 4 will be easy for you 'cause you speak all proper and stuff. The blood was on the windowsill. I saw it with my own eyes.

To **Iwin Ulose**: This is the formal iamdeath, right? Hope you liked this chapter! It's sometimes hard to stay funny all the time and stick to the "storyline." I'm still trying to figure it out.

To **Cosmicmoon**: Yeah, it's awkward because I haven't gotten the flow for it yet. But it's amusing, right? That's my main goal.

To **sexylucifer**: Nope, I'm probably not going to soccer camp. Phlug said I can't fix my schedule 'til August. Man, what if I can't stay in IB or MYP or in all that other crap? Hm, oh, well. I'll figure it out when school starts again.

To **thulite**; It's spelled "psychotic." And . . . I write whatever comes to mind with only a vague idea of what's gonna happen next, so there's sometimes some OOC. I think that answers all your other questions.

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Good luck with getting a cool teacher! What I noticed in language classes is: it could either be really fun or a pain in the ass. It all depends on the teacher.

To **maria**: It's with a Z? Really? Man, I feel pregnant now. Anyway, I hate that song too, but I had it stuck in my head, and I thought writing it would make me forget about it. It didn't work. Damn gasoline!

To **Everto Angelus** (ch 2): It's okay. You don't have to unless you really want to.

To **Everto Angelus **(ch 3): I know! He's completely out of his mind!

To **Everto Angelus** (ch 4): Wow, thank you! That was really enlightening!

To **Everto Angelus** (ch 5): Magic hands, eh? Too bad that won't help Ed in learning Spanish. Can you guess who's really gonna help him? Ed: No, don't tell me! It can't be . . . (goes back to room to cry some more)


	7. Homecoming

Aztec Goddess: So, do you people have a clue on who Ed's date is gonna be? Take the time to make a guess . . . Done? Okay. Now read to see if you're right!

Homecoming

It was half an hour 'til homecoming. Ed was dressed up in his casual clothes 'cause, well, the homecoming theme in Kelly High is always Casual. The dance was being held in an outdoor Swap Meet, which is a step up from last year's, which was in a 99 cents store. It's not that the school is cheap; they just don't like spending too much effort on stuff like that.

Ed nervously paced back and fourth inside his new apartment waiting for his date. Al, having nothing better to do, just stared at his brother. "Hey, brother?" Al asked after a couple of minutes. "Did Envy give you any clue on who your date is going to be?"

"Nope, none," Ed replied. Then someone knocked on the door. Ed crossed his fingers, mumbled, "Please be a hot _girl_!" then opened the door.

Ed's crappy luck seemed to have changed. It _was_ a hot girl! Her long black hair folded into perfect curls in the end. She had the perfect amount of makeup; not too little that it doesn't make a difference, and not too much that she'll look like a clown. She wore a stylish jeans jacket with a matching skirt and a sparkly red blouse. Ed was dumbstruck at first. _Wow, Envy really came through!_ he thought.

Then Ed and Al took a good look at this mysterious woman's face, and yelled in unison, "HOLY CRAP! SENSEI!"

"Since when do you cuss, Al?" Izumi asked.

"Um, you probably don't want to know," Al replied.

"W – wait a minute!" Ed stuttered. "Y – you're my . . . my . . .?"

"Date," Izumi finished, a little disgusted with herself. "I owed Envy a favor, so, yeah."

"What kind of favor?" Al asked.

" . . . He fixed my easy bake oven – shut up!" Izumi glared at the Elric brothers, daring them to laugh. But they didn't because they enjoy having every body part in the right place.

"Are you being serious?" Ed asked Izumi. "About being my date, I mean."

Izumi sighed. "Yes. Envy told me to show you a good time – don't look at me like that, you pervert!" Izumi roughly grabbed Ed's hand and they left the apartment. "But we're going to a Swap Meet, right? Things shouldn't be so bad then."

Ed had no clue what to think. Should he kill Envy, or thank him for making his sensei act all nice? Hopefully, the rest of the day won't be as awkward as he expects it to be.

_Flashback . . ._

The day after Envy said he had the perfect date for Ed, he called up Izumi. "Hey, lady! Remember the time I fixed your kiddie oven thing?"

"It's an easy bake oven!" Izumi corrected him.

"Yeah, that's nice. Anyway, you're going to pay me back now."

"What do you have in mind?"

"You're going to keep nene busy at homecoming next week, okay?"

"Huh? _Nene_? Since when do you have a baby?"

Envy rolled his eyes. "_Edward Elric_," he said a bit awkwardly since he never says that name.

"WHAT! You're out of your freakin' mind!"

"And yet I'm accomplishing so much," Envy mused. "Listen, you're going to be his date, okay? 'Cause you don't wanna know what I'll do to all your other mini kitchen appliances!"

"Why can't _you _be his date! You can change into some random girl, can't you?"

"I already have plans on homecoming night. And I need someone to keep nene distracted, comprende?"

"Don't you think you told me a little too much already?"

"Nah. There's nothing you can do to ruin my plans anyway." Then Envy hung up.

_End flashback . . ._

Envy was running late. He ran to the Swap Meet as fast as, um, homunculy possible. "Damn! Why'd it have to take so long to make that one lady look pretty!" He growled. Yeah, Envy was the one who provided Izumi with the new wardrobe and makeup. But if everything goes as plan, it would all be worth it.

Envy made it to the food court only a few minutes before homecoming officially started. Only a few students, the other homunculi and the mariachis were there. Yes, mariachis. They were the only source of music Kelly High could find that would work in a Swap Meet. The other homunculi were socializing with them until they saw Envy.

"You almost came late," Lust said to Envy.

"Yeah, whatever," Envy replied. "So, did you spike the drinks already?"

"Yeah!" Wrath replied. "We even spiced up the food to make sure they'll drink a lot! But, how many StateMilitary peopleare you expecting to come here?"

Envy shrugged. "Let's wait and see."

_Meanwhile . . ._

Ed and Izumi were wandering around the Swap Meet, looking at all the little trinkets they'll never buy. It's so mean when people give salesmen false hope when they look at an expensive item for a long time for no reason. That's what Ed was doing.

Ed was staring at a beautiful green and red bird inside a golden cage. It was half a million dollars. "So, are you interested in buying this quetzal?" the salesman asked Ed. "It came straight from the jungles of Guatemala!"

"Guatemala?" Ed repeated, utterly confused. "I'm sorry, but I'm an atheist. So if you're trying to sell me a holy spirit-"

"Ed, shut up already," Izumi demanded. "You're making us both look stupid."

"What's so stupid about what I said?" Ed asked, really offended.

"Guatemala is a _country_! Don't you remember going there in another fanfic?"

Ed quirked an eyebrow at his sensei. "No . . . what are you talking about?"

"Never mind. Let's go buy a churro, or something."

Ed had no clue what a churro was. He panicked. He didn't learn that in Spanish class yet!

"Ed, quit standing around! I'm hungry!" Izumi led Ed to a food cart, where they purchased two churros.

Ed was fascinated. A stylish stick of bread covered in sugar and cinnamon! What a wondrous invention! He would have never thought that such a thing could be possible. And it tasted so good! "Wow!" he exclaimed. "Who invented this thing?"

Izumi laughed, quite amused by Ed's reaction. "You don't know much about Spanish-speaking countries, do you?" Ed shook his head as he engulfed another churro. "Then it's time for you to become enlightened!"

Izumi led Ed around the Swap Meet and Ed learned stuff like: how to make tortillas and how to eat tamales the right way. That was another thing that fascinated Ed. "And all this time I've only been eating the corn husk!" he said.

Ed wanted to learn more about the type of food that was once basically unknown to him. "How did you learn about all of this?" Ed asked Izumi as they ate sitting on a bench. And so Izumi told Ed about the time she took a public bus. They completely forgot about homecoming.

_Meanwhile . . ._

Everything was going as planned. Nearly all the StateMilitary peoplewere present, and they were drinking their asses off. The mariachis decided to start playing, and since they start by screaming all funny, they scared the crap out of the drunken State Military.

Havoc jumped on top of the table, thinking that he sat on a cat. Fury got pissed and started cussing out Havoc for ruining his perfect view of a vending machine. Ross got scared and hid under the table. Brosh got confused, thinking that Ross disappeared into thin air. He turned to Armstrong for help, but Armstrong was too busy watching a rollie pollie climb up the table.

All the other students didn't get drunk because the homunculi were crowding the food, and that intimidated them. So instead of eating, they did something quite unusual at a school dance: they actually danced. What is this world coming to?

Then Hawkeye came with an extremely pissed off look on her face. She sat down at the table where all the other StateMilitary peoplewere and tried to ask them where Roy was, but they didn't seem to hear her. Envy strolled by next to her and asked her, as if he cared, "Date ditched you?"

"Shut up," was Hawkeye's response.

"Wanna cool off?" Envy shoved a cup of "soda" in front of Hawkeye's face. She took it and chugged it. Envy had a couple more drinks at the ready, which Hawkeye accepted without question. Then Envy went to Fury and whispered to him, "Armstrong thinks you're gay!" The other homunculi got their cameras out at the ready.

"QUIT TALKING CRAP ABOUT MRS. HUGHES!" Fury yelled at Armstrong, who was only trying to help the little rollie pollie to the top of the table. "SHE'S A NICE LADY! SHE'S THE ONE WHO OPENED THE DOOR WHEN I WENT TO SEE THE GUY HUGHES!" Fury threw a punch at Armstrong, and missed by a mile. He hit Havoc instead.

Ross jumped out from under the table and yelled, "QUIT TOUCHING MY DATE!"

"Hey, I thought I was your date!" Brosh began to cry.

Ross gave Brosh an odd drunk look. "Who the hell are you? Hey, you're probably one of those cre-ahh? K-k . . ." Ross had a hard time saying "created." So instead she finished, "Homunculi! Hawkeye, lemme borrow your gun!" she said to Havoc.

"I have _human_ eyes!" Havoc giggled.

"Oh, sorry. Hey, you look like someone I know!"

"CAN'T YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP?" Fury screeched. He jacked Hawkeye's gun. She was too busy drinking to notice, even though Fury, like, put his hand in her pocket and stuff. He pointed the gun (the wrong way) to the other State Military people. "Don't think I don't know how to use whatever the hell this is!"

All the while, the other homunculi were taking pictures as evidence of alcohol and weapon abuse to use against the State Military. "Take the gun away from them," Lust ordered Envy. "We can't ruin their lives if they die."

"Wait, just a little longer!" Envy whined. "I wanna know what they'll say next!"

Aztec Goddess: There are gonna be some expulsions in the next chapter. Who will make it out to see another school day? And will the other students ever notice the drunken State Military? Man, I don't give people from Kelly High much credit. Oh, well.

To **Everto Angelus**: To tell the truth, I've never seen a full episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. But I think they're all funny, and something in this story just reminded me of them, so I put them here.

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Man, this took three days to write. I feel like I'm getting slower, especially since I'm taking Computer Literacy now. The teacher doesn't seem so nice. I hope my entire summer doesn't turn out crappy because of that.

To **sexylucifer**: I'll try to stay in all that! But that means I'll have to work my ass off next year! At least I decided to make fanfiction my MYP project. That should be fun, right?

To **arynna**: Ah! My arm's numb from the poking! I'll try not to take so long next time.

To **Paola**: I already figured out whom Ed's date was, so, yeah. Remember man, Ed and Envy are practically related, so it's okay to call him nene. Hm, how 'bout "nena?" Wait, that's my aunt's name. (weird image comes to mind)


	8. Expulsion 1

Aztec Goddess: Okay, this is the first Expulsion chapter. There are probably gonna be three or so. Well, now let's see who the first people to get expelled are!

Expulsion 1

'Twas two nights after homecoming in the homunculi's apartment room. Greed has made a Precious Memories photo album about homecoming that he would like to share with readers.

"NO! Screw you!" Greed yelled at the narrator.

Greed! What have we discussed about screwing people?

" . . . I don't wanna say it."

Well, then you're going to need to share with everyone your photo album.

" . . . Fine," Greed growled. So he pulled the photo album from his special place under his bed and opened it to the first page. He pointed to the first picture: him and his friends posing with the mariachis. "Here's the first picture. Happy?"

C'mon, you've gotta get more into it!

Greed gave the narrator a hand motion that would have to be pixilated if it wasn't just written. But he continued nonetheless. He pointed at the second picture: Fury unknowingly pointing Hawkeye's gun at himself. "This is the little dumbass who almost killed himself."

He's cute though, isn't he, Greed?

Greed lowered his eyelids at the narrator. "Shut up or I'm not going to continue." The narrator remained silent. "Okay, so anyway, he didn't kill himself. Hawkeye took the gun away in time, which leads to the next picture . . ."

Greed turned to the page and pointed to the third picture: Hawkeye standing on top of the table, flailing her gun around. "She got _really_ drunk, stood on the table, declared herself queen of the Swap Meet, then started shooting at the air." He pointed at the fourth picture: the other State Military people looking amused and clapping. "These are her friends cheering her on."

Greed pointed to the fifth picture: an unconscious Wrath on the floor with several empty cups around him. "Wrath couldn't resist the temptation of alcohol. He slept like a baby last night! But he came to school today with a terrible hangover, so he was expelled. I suppose Kelly High is strict about abstinence. The poor idiot has to stay here all day now."

Greed pointed to the sixth picture: Lust and Sloth posing with some cops. "The cops were only trying to enjoy their day off. But some people were complaining to them about Hawkeye and her gun. They ended up arresting Hawkeye for attempted homicide and Fury for attempted suicide. Also, the State Military was charged with alcohol abuse. Wrath's a minor, so-"

Pride, since he has to share his room with Greed, sat up from his bed and threw a lamp at Greed. "Who are you talking to! I'm trying to get some sleep!"

Lust came into their room. "What's all that noise about? Greed's got an imaginary friend? Cute."

"You've got a problem with imaginary friends!" Wrath's whining could be heard from the living room, which is also his bedroom. "I need to sleep! Come now, Pancho the pony! Fetch me a sweet dream filled with sugar and cow stomach!" (Those are the main ingredients for marshmallows. Scary, huh?)

" . . . That was disturbing," Sloth said from her bedroom, which she shares with Lust.

Gluttony's eating could be heard from the kitchen, which counts as his bedroom.

"ARE THESE WALLS PAPER THIN, OR SOMETHING!" Envy yelled from his bedroom. Envy doesn't need to share 'cause he's cool like that.

"It probably has something to do with the fact that there are seven of us and we're sharing a single apartment room," Lust explained. She headed back to her and Sloth's room.

"Yeah, how'd we get so cheap?" Greed asked.

"It's because I'm the only one with income around here," Sloth answered.

"Oh, this sucks. WRATH! Get a job! You have nothing else to do!"

"DON'T WAKE WRATH UP, IDIOT!" Envy yelled. "He's still a little kid! He'll be all cranky in the morning and stuff!"

Wrath woke up and started to cry.

_The next day, back at school, during lunch . . ._

Envy was in a fowl mood; one worse that how he was last night. It was all because of Roy Mustang. Roy's speedy trial was held yesterday, the judge filed the case as inconclusive, so Roy was set free with only a warning. And a really stupid warning: Look both ways before you cross the street!

It pissed Envy off so much to see Roy in his second period. He was so angry; he couldn't even bug Ed all day. "I was supposed to get Roy _expelled_!" Envy grumbled under his breath. "How could I fail at something so simple?"

"Nene!" Envy yelled at Ed, who was aimlessly searching for a place to eat in the cafeteria (far from Envy and Roy).

Ed stopped in his tracks and groaned. "You weren't talking all day. Why did you have to ruin that?"

"I still don't feel much like talking right now," Envy replied. "But it's time you pay me back for one of the favors I did for you: get Roy expelled."

Ed was a bit stunned by this request. He was expecting something more of a pain in the ass from Envy, but he wasn't going to question Envy. "Gladly!" Ed replied.

"Good, but don't expect this much mercy from my next favor." With that said, Envy left the cafeteria. "I need to get my mind off thing," he mumbled.

Where was Envy going? Ed didn't care, so he met up with some of the State Military people: Armstrong, Brosh, and Ross.

"You better keep your guard up," Ross warned Ed. "From what I can remember about homecoming, some people are trying to get us State Military people expelled."

Brosh was deep in thought. "Hey, what really did happen in homecoming? Were you even there, Ed?"

"No, I got, um, sidetracked," Ed replied. " . . . Oh, crap! I spent the entire time only learning only about _food_ from Spanish speaking countries! And my sensei already left! How will I ever learn Spanish now?"

"No need to worry!" Armstrong declared as he ripped off his shirt and pink sparkly thingies floated around him. "The Armstrong family is revered for being bilingual! Sopa de pollo para el alma!" **Translation: "Chicken soup for the soul!"**

"What the hell is you problem!" a custodian yelled at Armstrong. "This ain't a strip joint! To the principal's office!"

Armstrong was sent to the principal's office, and was never seen on school campus again. "Oh, no!" Ross said. "We lost another Sate Military person! See what I told you, Ed? Someone's after us! This is so weird! Who would hate us so much to get us _expelled_?"

Ed gave Ross a funny look. "Um, no I don't see. That was Armstrong's own fault, wasn't it?"

Ross and Brosh gasped. "You're turning against us, too!" They sought shelter underneath some tables.

"They're just being paranoid," Ed told himself. "Nothing weird is going on." But in fifth period, he knew he was wrong. Envy was still eerily quiet and he didn't look pissed off anymore. In fact, he was smiling, and it wasn't an evil smile.

"What's up with you?" Ed had to ask.

"Improv. is fun!" was all Envy said. Then he went deep in thought.

What was Envy talking about? _Improv._ as in _improvised_? As in an improvised play? Of course. But Ed couldn't figure that out. He's not very artistic. His drawing of Envy in one of the anime episodes proves that.

School soon ended and Envy rushed out of sixth period. He literally shoved some people to the floor to be the first one out the door. This caused Ed to want to know what Envy was up to. So Ed followed Envy around the crowded hallways, up some stairs, and into a classroom Ed wasn't familiar with. It had a stage, spotlights, and a bunch of chairs facing the stage. Ed couldn't quite put his finger on what the room was supposed to be like.

Twenty or so students crowded an eccentric-looking teacher below the stage. He was a guy and he was wearing flip-flop, spoke like a valley girl, yet had an adoring wife back at home. His name is Mr. Hoganson, the Theater teacher.

"Like, one at a time!" Hoganson said. He pointed at Envy. "You, pretty-boy. . . I think." Envy walked up to the center of the stage. "You, like, know how to B.S. different emotions, right?"

"Damn right!" Envy replied.

"Then say some part from Romeo and Juliet. Like, what's your name anway?"

"Too easy," Envy smirked. Then he began in the best bull shitted sorrowful voice:

"By a name

I know not how to tell thee who I am.

My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself,

Because it is an enemy to thee.

Had I it written, I would tear the word."

Envy glanced at Ed a couple of times when he said that, which freaked Ed out, but then again, Envy looked at everyone in the room. Envy bowed, jumped off the stage and added, "By the way, my name's Envy and it's a freakin' awesome name!"

Everyone but Ed clapped. "That was great!" Hoganson said. "You definitely have a place here!"

"For doing what?" Ed snorted. "All he did was memorize a couple of stupid lines that don't even make sense!"

"You didn't like it, nene?" Envy asked, sounding hurt. "I thought you came here to cheer me on!"

"I came here to make sure you weren't trying to murder a certain someone!" Ed yelled.

"Hey, you're great, too!" Hoganson said to Ed. "It must take like, a lot of skills to pretend to not like this Envy guy!"

"_Pretend_?" Ed repeated.

"Of couse! I insist that you and Envy show up for seventh period Theater from this day forward!"

Aztec Goddess: Okay, here's a recap: Wrath, Hawkeye, Fury, and Armstrong are all expelled. And, um, everyone else remains.

To **Everto Angelus**: I like what the Fab Five brought to this story, too! Keep the Victoria's Secret gift certificate in mind. I wonder where that _funny as hell _saying comes from, too.

To **Angel-of-Music**: I tried to do the math in my head and got 36 hours. Then I realized days are _24_ hours long! Man, I feel stupid. Thanks for hoping my summer gets better.

To **Monique**: Or demonik. Really? She's married? Hm, well it doesn't matter. It was just homecoming. It's not like they got married. Wouldn't that be odd?

To **monik**: There's someone else that uses that name, you know? Log in, demonik! Heh, I knew you'd like this chapter the most.

To **Paola**: I already explained the peoples to you earlier, so there's no use in writing it here. Hm, I guess people don't think Spanish isn't important here even though we're the biggest minority in the US. You hear that, Asians! We beat you! Okay, I'm done.

To **FatCat**: Oh, sorry for the nightmares, but I'm glad you think this is funny! But please don't die!

To **Azira**: Eek! You mustn't die either! You must read the rest . . . please?


	9. Improvised

Aztec Goddess: I do not own _Titanic_. Man, I can't stay focused enough to see the entire movie. Talk, talk, random sex scene. That's all I understood. Please review on my improv.! I wanna know what you guys think of it!

Improvised

Envy and Ed were walking home from school together. (Don't get the wrong idea!) Envy was poking fun at Ed for what happened a little while after the events in the last chapter. "This is priceless!" Envy said. "I think Hoganson picked the _perfect_ part for you in next week's _Titanic_ improv.!"

"There is no freakin' way I'm playing as ROSE!" Ed yelled. "I'm not planning on going back to Theater anyway!"

"But the teacher _insisted_!" Envy said. "You can't turn him down! He'll hunt you like how midgets hunt for platform shoes!"

" . . . Sure. Even if I was okay with being Rose, I won't do it with you being JACK!" Ed sped up his pace. "What is it with this school? I'm always getting paired up with you!"

Envy didn't really need to walk faster since he has longer legs than Ed. "Hm, I've been thinking that, too. It's a conspiracy!" He looked around suspiciously.

"And you're the mastermind behind it!"

"Nah, I don't have that much time on my hands. That's why we must practice for improv. right now!"

"Right now, right now?" Ed asked, sounding dumb.

"No, later, later," Envy replied, sarcastically. Then he said, "Look! Let's practice at that park over there! It's practically empty."

So Envy dragged the not-so-happy-looking Ed to the local kiddie park. Only a few toddlers and their parents were there chillin' next to the sandbox. Envy dragged Ed all the way up to the top of the slide.

"How do we do improv. anyway?" Ed asked.

"It's quite simple," Envy explained. "All we have to do is come up with a bunch of random crap that has almost nothing to do with the real _Titanic_! We just need to have the same characters!"

"What about a ship?"

"Screw ships! Pretend this slide here is an airplane!"

"So, um, we don't even need a storyline?"

"Hm," Envy thought for a second. "Okay, I got it! Instead of an iceberg, we'll crash into a cloud! And instead of sinking, we'll float!"

Ed couldn't help but laugh a little. Then he said, "Wait! How is that even possible?"

"Just go with it. Now you come up with something!"

"Okay, um, how 'bout that one _I'm king of the world_ part? We've gotta rip that off!"

"So . . ." Envy tried to get Ed to elaborate a little.

Ed stood on the edge of the slide and spread out his arms like how Rose did. "So, we'll have to be outside of the airplane to do that part!"

"And since we'll be standing on one of the wings of the plane," Envy added as he grabbed Ed from behind, like how Jack did to Rose, "we'll fall off!" Envy jumped of the slide and took Ed down with him. They could have gone _down_ the slide, but it was only a three-foot fall, so it wasn't a big deal. They laid sprawled on the grass, laughing.

"Hey, wait!" Ed said. "The main characters shouldn't die so early!"

"Who said we were gonna die?" Envy asked as he pulled out something that looked like a spray can from out of nowhere. "We'll use the _Axe_ effect!" A sign that said USE RESPONSIBLY flashed over Envy, followed by a smaller sign that said _Aztec Goddess does not claim ownership of Axe or the Axe effect._ "We're not going to be falling down; we'll be floating up, remember?"

A light lit up in the small section of Ed's brain that understands the concept of art and imagination. "Oh, I see! So, we'll spray ourselves with _Axe_ and girls will stick to us, pulling us back down to the plane by the laws of gravity and matter!"

"Yeah, you're getting it now! But try not to get all technical, okay nene?"

"Okay." Then Ed started to laugh some more as he pictured the play in his head. It was only him and Envy in the park. They had scared the other people away. Then Ed sighed and turned to Envy. "Why are you being so nice all of a sudden?" he asked, trying not to sound suspicious.

Envy gave Ed a questionable look. It took a while for him to reply. "I'm in a happy mood right now. Plus, I may not like you, but you're still my almost-half-brother-but-not-quite-due-to-a-technicality."

Wow, what a long title to live up to. It kinda caught Ed off guard. "Huh? . . . What's the technicality?"

"I'm not really human, remember?"

"And you're the one who said to not get all technical!"

Envy seemed to be deep in thought. Then he stood up and started to walk home. "Get Mustang expelled first. Then we'll talk."

Envy could be a cool half-brother if he really wanted to. Or was all this an act? Envy _did _prove to be a good actor . . . Ed didn't want to think about it.

_The next day, before school . . ._

"Brother, you're crazy!" Al yelled at his apparently crazy brother.

"Hey, Roy deserves this!" Ed declared as he shoved the gift certificate for Victoria's Secret (Ed never asked Al where that came from – he didn't want to know) into his backpack, along with the complimentary tequila that came with the apartment.

"Um, wait. What are you planning to do anyway?" Al asked. He thought to himself, _Hey! Why is he taking the only worthwhile things we have in this apartment? He's so selfish!_

Ed's plan went into effect in second period. While Roy was talking to some people, Ed stuffed the tequila into his backpack and placed the gift certificate under his desk. Then Ed casually walked to his own desk. "There," he told Envy. "That should be enough to get him expelled."

Envy glared at Roy suspiciously. "I don't think it'll be _that_ easy. I mean, if my plan didn't work, then what will?"

Johnson noticed the gift certificate right away. "Roy Mustang, what's that?"

Roy confusedly looked under his desk and picked up the gift certificate. "Um, I don't know . . ." Then he noticed _Victoria's Secret_. "Oh, wait! This is mine!" Roy was about to stuff it into his backpack, but Johnson stood in front of him with an open palm. So Roy regretfully handed the teacher the gift certificate.

Johnson gave Roy a shocked look as he stuffed the gift certificate into his pocket to keep it. "What else do you have in your backpack?"

Roy handed the teacher his backpack without much thought. He thought he didn't have anything to hide. But then Johnson pulled out the bottle of tequila. The students of Kelly High gasped dramatically. Alcohol is as bad as mass homicide to them. Johnson put the tequila back into the backpack and ordered Roy to go to the principal's office.

Ed gave Envy a smug look. "See? It was that easy!"

"We'll see tomorrow," Envy replied. "Don't get a big head."

But they didn't even have to wait that long. At lunch, they found Roy telling anyone that would listen, "So I was sent to the principal's office for having tequila in my backpack. I don't know how that happened, but whatever. Anyway, the principal let me free without even a detention! All I had to do was give him the tequila! And get this: the principal is . . ."

The girls around Roy squealed and the boys cheered. Roy didn't have to say the name. He showed them a picture. This intrigued Ed and Envy, so they tried to get closer to see the picture, but there were too many people in their way. They were only able to hear some of the comments the people made: "Wow, that's freakin' awesome!" "I know, huh?" "I wanna see him! Where's his office?" "You think he'll give me his autograph?"

"Do you know who the principal is?" Ed asked Envy.

"No clue. I've never seen him," Envy replied. Then he realized something. "Hey, you failed at getting Roy expelled! You suck, nene!"

"I didn't try hard enough this time!" Ed defended himself. "Winter Formal is coming soon. I bet I can get him expelled there!"

"Just as long as you get it done soon. You _don't_ want to piss me off."

Ed spent the rest of the school day trying to come up with a better plan. But his mind kept on drifting back to improv. He wanted to come up with something brilliant that they could add to the _Titanic_ play. His mind eventually became completely blank.

In Theater, Envy told Hoganson and the other students what himself and Ed – mostly himself – came up with the other day. Everyone laughed along and complimented on the brilliant idea. Then they started building the props. One of the students made a simple paper airplane to use as a model.

Ed only watched as the students gathered huge piles of blank paper and glue. Envy wasn't helping either. He walked to Ed, who was standing in a corner, and asked, "Can't you just use alchemy to build us a nice plane?"

"I wanna see how long it'll take for everyone else to realize that," Ed replied.

So Ed and Envy only stood by and watched the other students build a plane from scratch. At least it looked exactly like the model. Hm, but how much weight can it hold?

Aztec Goddess: Does anyone know who the principal is? Most, well, practically all of the clues can be found in this chapter. So, remember to R & R!

To **Everto Angelus**: I guess he just likes showing off is manly chest. But I think he should stop doing that in front of guys. It's scary. He's not even hot!

To **Paola**: I think the source code is the thing that shows you all the html codes on the web page you're on. I don't know how to get there, though. I'm not doing notpron anymore anyway. I want to dedicate as much time as possible to fanfiction!

To **Kyra Neko**: I needed a lot of expulsions. I'm planning on only letting one person out of the FMA cast graduate. But I dunno, that might change. I don't usually stick to all my plans. That's why there are so many random things in here!

To **Iwin Ulose**: Roy was being held under custody during homecoming, remember? And the only relationship Ed and Envy have in this story is an almost-half-brother-but-not-quite-due-to-a-technicality relationship! . . . Even though I _do_ like them as a couple. And I'm glad you think Spanish is cool!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Summer should be enjoyable, so hope it gets better for you! Anyway, there, I updated! Now it's your turn!

To **pure-reflection**: Hee-hee. Thank you! Hope you enjoy the rest, too!

To **Storm Alchemist**: Sorry, I haven't seen the series in a while. I think I fixed it all already. Thank you for pointing that out to me!

To **demonik**: Okay, I'll add that somehow. I don't think I need anymore teachers now. _Big Clue_: The principal isn't a school teacher. But he did teach me a few things, mostly about myself. Practically all the stuff he says describes me and my family perfectly!


	10. The Rumor

Aztec Goddess: Here were the clues for who the principal is from the last chapter: "Right now, right now?" "No, later, later." "Don't get a big head." "I know, huh?" And then there was that big clue in the very bottom of the last chapter. I'm sure most of you people know this guy! And I don't claim ownership of him. Don't know how that would be possible . . .

The Rumor

There was an assembly the following Friday mainly to warn students to be safe on Halloween, which would be on the weekend, but no one pays attention to stuff like that. But when the principal walked to the middle of the auditorium . . .

"SHAOW!" the principal yelled in a high-pitched voice, and the students cheered. "Hey, everyone! I'm your principal, George Lopez! No time for any stand-ups, though." Everyone went, _Awww!_ "Ah, fine. But just a short one."

Ed wasn't in the audience. He was sitting with the other Theater people off to the side of the room. Being as clueless as he was about Latin culture, he had no clue who the principal was. But thinking he'd learn something, he took out a notepad and pencil and wrote down everything George Lopez said.

"Spanish is nice," George Lopez started. "That's why everyone tries to speak it now, like in Starbucks." He mimicked a person with a really crappy Spanish accent: "_Un grande latte._ De cual leche? . . . _Oh, fuck_." Everyone laughed.

**Translation: "_A large latte_." "What kind of milk?"**

Ed poked at Envy with the pencil and whispered, "What did that guy just say?" He noticed that this caused the other Theater people to whisper, too. And they were looking at him. Ed didn't think much about this.

Envy socked Ed on the arm (his human arm) for poking him. "If you don't know, I'm not gonna tell you. Anyway, we're up. You ready?" Ed heard some people snicker at this. What's going on?

Ed had made a much better plane that morning, so the improvised play went perfectly. When they finished, George Lopez finished up the assembly by saying, "Just in case you're wonderin': yes, we did give them all a drug test. They turned out negative . . . that's if our nurse read it right." The students laughed harder than how they were laughing during the play.

Envy decided to stay a little longer in Theater after school, so Ed had to walk home alone. It's not like Ed cared, but the way Envy's attitude has been changing so often troubled him. What's up with Envy? He's still pissed at the fact that Roy isn't expelled yet?

Ed was tired, so he didn't take the time to really ponder. He opened the door to his apartment room, and went straight to bed. As he plopped down onto the sheets, he heard the bed . . . scream?

"AH! What was that for!" Wrath cried. He poked his head out from the covers and glared at Ed, who was on top of him.

Ed immediately jumped back off his bed. "Wrath? What are you doing here!"

"I don't like being alone, so I came here to hang out with Al!"

" . . . Hey, where _is_ Al?"

"He went to the store to buy more food. I was tired, so I stayed here and took a nap, until I was rudely awaken! You should be ashamed of yourself, Ed!"

"What are you talking about! You shouldn't be on my bed in the first place!"

"Oh, _now_ you tell me!" Wrath got off the bed. "But, um, can I stay here anyway?"

Ed gave Wrath a suspicious look. "What for?"

"My apartment room's too crowded. And I'm probably gonna come by every day anyway. Your brother's cool!" Wrath gave Ed the puppy eyes. "So can I stay? Please?"

"That might work on me if I trusted you a little more."

Wrath seemed offended. "What's so untrustworthy about me?"

"Gee, I dunno. Where should I start?" Ed said sarcastically. "Remember that time you tried to steal my body?"

"You need to be more specific. Are you talking about the first time or-"

"That's already one time too many!"

"Well, when was the last time I tried to do that?" Wrath defended himself.

" . . . Hm, good point. You can stay on one condition: tell me what's up with Envy."

Wrath thought for a while. "Yeah, I've been wondering why he's been acting weird lately. But the only thing he ever talks about at home is the next plan for – wait! I shouldn't be saying that!" Wrath grabbed a text book and hit Ed over the head. "Forget what I said! Forget it!"

"Ah! Fine, I'll forget! Stop hitting me!" Ed took the book away from Wrath. It was the Psychology book. Man, that left a mark. Wrath got pissed and tried to grab the book back. "Bad Wrath! Sit!"

Wrath sat on the floor and whimpered like a dog. Then the door sung open, signaling that Al finally came back. Wrath's face lit up and he ran to the door on all fours. "Man, I forgot how weird little kids are," Ed mumbled. (Aztec Goddess: I remember acting like a doggie for fun when I was little!)

Ed shook all thoughts out of his mind and decided to do a little bit of homework. All he needed to finish was Spanish homework, and it seemed impossible for him to do. He had to write an essay (in Spanish, of course) on why or why not to use the bathrooms at school. "Damn, what's the Spanish word for _no_?" Ed asked himself.

Several hours later, Al came into Ed's room with a quesadilla and a tamarindo drink. "Here's dinner. Maybe eating like a Spanish-speaker will help you think like one?" Ed tossed his essay aside (he managed to finish only the first paragraph with the help of the text book) and grabbed the food.

"Thanks, Al. But I don't think things work that way." Ed skillfully ate the quesadilla because he knows all about these types of foods now.

"Really? That's how Gluttony learned," Wrath commented as he entered the room.

"Yeah, right." Ed chugged the tamarindo drink. "I'll finish my homework on the weekend. I'm gonna sleep now."

Al and Wrath left Ed's room. Ed stripped down to his boxers and got into bed only to realize that sleep wasn't coming easy for him. He had too much on his mind. _Will I ever learn Spanish? Who the hell is George Lopez? I wonder where Wrath is sleeping. The Axe effect . . . No wonder Envy smells good. AH! Where'd that thought come from! Well, he does, but that's not the point! Okay, I'm gonna stop thinking NOW! . . . Well, I wasn't expecting that to work._

It was the middle of the night. Wrath entered Ed's room. "Hey, who are you talking to?"

Ed sat up. "Wait, did I say all that out loud?"

Wrath nodded and walked a bit closer to Ed. "You're not naked, are you?"

"What kind of question is that! But if you must know: no."

"Okay, good." Wrath crawled onto Ed's bed and made himself comfortable.

"Um, Wrath? What do you think you're doing?"

"Envy lets me sleep with him when I have nightmares," Wrath replied.

Since Wrath is so cute, Ed didn't have the heart to kick him out of bed. "Okay, whatever," Ed said. "Wait! Envy's nice enough to share his bed with you?"

"Envy can be really nice if he wants to be," Wrath replied, yawning. Then he asked, "Isn't he like your half-brother? How come you guys don't act like it?"

"Y'know, I'd like to know the answer to that, too."

This gave Wrath a great idea. "Hey, how 'bout I learn the answer for you? And in return, you take me trick-or-treating!"

"I'm too old for stuff like that."

"Please! You can practically pass for a ten-year-old!" Ed didn't look happy with that remark, so Wrath added, "A very, very _tall_ ten-year-old!"

"Fine, but I'm not dressing up. I'm just gonna walk you around Central, okay?

Wrath nodded, turned his back to Ed, and fell asleep minutes later.

_Halloween night . . ._

Wrath had used alchemy to turn some pillows into a cute bunny costume. Ed wore his usual clothes. Al came along too, and also got candy since everyone thinks his armor is his costume.

Wrath insisted that he should hold Ed's hand the entire night so he wouldn't get lost. He even stuck to Ed all the way up to everyone's front porch. Most people thought that Wrath was Ed's son, or daughter . . . mostly daughter. They somehow got to the secretary, Moon-Shoulders, and she thought so, too.

"Oh, so Wrath is your son, Mr. Elric? He looks so cute right now!" she said as she picked up Wrath. "And you look just like your mother!" she said to Wrath.

"Huh? Who do you think is the mother?" Ed asked. Al and Wrath looked just as confused as Ed.

"Isn't the mother that cross-dresser named Envy?" Moon-Shoulders asked innocently.

"What?" Ed almost screamed.

"Oh, sorry. _Cross-dresser _doesn't sound too nice, does it? But Envy is the mother, right? I've heard from several students that you two are together." Moon-Shoulders sighed. "Ah, young love. So beautiful. So fragile." She played with one of Wrath's bunny ears. "So cute!"

"Hm, I could have sworn Envy is a guy," Al said. He didn't seem to think much of what the secretary was saying.

"Oh! I see now!" Moon-Shoulders declared. She pointed at Ed. "That's why your form said _female_! You're the mother! And Envy's the father! But you didn't want people to think you're a slut, so you've disguising yourself as a man!"

Wrath gasped. "Mommy. How could you do that!" he asked dramatically.

Al slowly backed off. "I don't want to know what's going on here! I'm going to go back home, okay brother? Um, sister?" Al ran back home.

"WHAT KIND OF IDIOT BELIEVES THIS CRAP!" Ed yelled. He tried his best to calm down and asked the secretary, "Where did you hear all this from, exactly?" One of his eyes was twitching like crazy.

Moon-Shoulders put Wrath down and gave him some candy. "I think almost everyone in school is saying so," she replied. "Why? Is there some false information in it somewhere?"

Ed didn't bother to correct the secretary. He grabbed Wrath's hand and headed home,. "Hey!" Wrath whined. "We still have a couple more streets to go!"

Ed wasn't able to hear Wrath's whining. "I swear," he mumbled to himself, "if this is your fault Roy – what am I talking about? Of course it's your fault! This means I'm gonna have to do _way_ more than get you expelled!"

"HELLO!" Wrath's whining became increasingly louder. "WE'RE NOT DONE TRICK-OR-TREATING YET!"

Ed was still mumbling stuff to himself. Then he looked at Wrath. "And what's with you calling me _Mommy_?"

"I thought that was your costume! A lot of other people thought so, too!"

Aztec Goddess: (dramatic music in the background) And more drama kicks in! Man, will Ed ever get back at Roy for everything he's done? And what will Envy's reaction to the rumor be?

To:** Everto Angelus**: At least you don't have to worry about Armstrong showing up again. Maybe not until the last chapter, but I'm not sure 'cause this is still pretty far from the ending. Just wondering . . . have you ever heard of George Lopez before?

To **Paola**: Paola! I was expecting you to know who the principal was! I guess I'm not good at making riddles. (runs to corner and cries) Oh, hi Alvarez! Whoa, how long have you been here? Hey, you can try thisisnotporn. It's seriously not porn, but I think it's way harder than notpron.

To **urbanfae**: Whoa, how could anyone live in Border States and not know what a churro is? This reminds me, I haven't had a churro in weeks! Glad you liked that chapter! And my mom says I can't write anything that anyone could relate to. Now I must rub this in her face!

To **sexylucifer** (ch 7): That'll be so funny yet so sad if it was prom. Hm, now I need to consider where Kelly High should have all the other dances . . .

To **sexylucifer** (ch 8): I dunno how my grades dropped! Oh, well. At least no C's. I've also heard China's population will decrease like crazy if they keep up the feticide thing. But then again, you guys are all technologically advanced and stuff. Well, we'll just have to wait and see.

To **sexylucifer** (ch 9): I like the Axe part, too! Yes, that was very selfish and rude of Johnson to keep the gift certificate all to himself.

To **nadisrad**: Sadly, anything with gelatin in it has cow stomach, or any other animal part that makes it all gooey. I know marshmallows, jell-o, and tons of different types of medicine have it. Nowadays, you don't know what kind of food could have animal parts. It's a known fact that restaurants are allowed to have a certain percentage of insects and rat parts (usually just feces) in their food . . . okay, I think I said too much. Sorry for ruining food for you! I've been doing that a lot lately.

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: No! . . . But I guess it could turn into an Envy x Ed. I wanna avoid that though. I just want them to act like brothers for once. But they still have a long road ahead of them.

To **Iwin Ulose**: I remember doing improv. in elementary and junior high for little projects. Nowadays, I only do it for fun with friends when there's nothing else to do. I don't think I'll ever take Theater as a subject 'cause that'll take the fun out of it. That's why I don't like art classes. And my favorite pizza topping is PEPPERONI, all the way! Holla at yo frog! Whatever that means.

To **psychofullmetalfan**: I think that's the best line, too! Glad you liked it! Titanic is too long for its own good. If I owned Full Metal Alchemist, Ed and Envy would have eventually gotten along, at least like brothers.

To **demonik**: _Ding, ding ding!_ You're the only one who got it right! You deserve a thumbs up! (gives you a thumbs up) Glad you liked the little improv. Can you imagine doing something like that in real life? I got to level three, but I'm not really into it.


	11. New Students

Aztec Goddess: Europeans don't celebrate Thanksgiving, right? I don't see how they could . . .

New Students

Wrath woke up bright and early Monday morning to greet his homunculi friends before school. He quietly crept into their apartment room, remembering the promise he made to Ed: find out what's up with Envy. Wrath found Envy in the living room talking to Pride.

"Can't you use your _all-seeing _eye to tell me what to do?" Envy asked Pride, sounding really pissed off.

Pride wasn't paying much attention to Envy. He was busy sitting on the couch, reading the _Radish Times_, the school's newspaper. "I see . . . you're going to do _something_ about it," Pride replied.

"Wow, sometimes your vast knowledge frightens me!"

"Why, thank you!"

"I was being sarcastic."

"So was I."

Wrath came to the conclusion that he missed the most important part of the conversation. He was as confused as a donkey trapped inside a piñata. Then Sloth came by behind him and blew his cover.

"Yo! Where you been?" Sloth playfully shoved Wrath from behind – a bit too hard, though. Wrath tumbled to the floor.

"I thought you were over the acting-like-students phase," Wrath said as he got up.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Sloth picked up Wrath and cradled him like a baby. "I can't help it sometimes. So, where have you been? I was worried sick over you!"

"Next door," Wrath replied. Then he remembered his objective. "Hey, Envy! How've _you_ been?"

Envy didn't answer Wrath's question. He picked up his backpack and said, "I'm going to school now, okay?" So he left.

Wrath jumped out of Sloth's arms and sat next to Pride. "What's going on? What was Envy telling you?"

Pride put down the newspaper and scratched his head. "Let's see . . . what's the best way to explain it to you?"

"Just tell me!" Wrath pouted.

"Okay, so when a man – who can also theoretically be a woman – meets another man-"

"Use names!"

"Fine! So, Envy meets Ed. Envy tried to accept the fact that he and Ed are almost-half-brothers-but-not-quite-due-to-a-technicality. But this causes everyone else in the world to get the wrong idea."

"And that's why people are now thinking Envy is my dad and Ed is my mom!" Wrath finished. "Wow, that sounds so retarded when you think about it."

"Exactly," Sloth said. "And that's what angers Envy so."

"When did this rumor start?"

"I'm not sure, but people were already saying stuff about them a little before they joined Theater."

Wrath thought for a while. "Hm, so that would be after homecoming, right?"

"Right when Roy came back to school."

Just then, Lust, Gluttony, and Greed entered the living room, looking utterly exhausted. "Why didn't you stay up late to study for the huge Spanish exam?" Lust asked Pride.

Pride only had to point at his eye. The other homunculi muttered, "Lucky bastard."

Then Greed realized something. "Wait! The Spanish exam is TODAY?"

"That's what you get for going out clubbin' with Kimblee," Lust remarked.

"Aw, no big deal. It's not like I suck at Spanish like that guy next door."

_At Kelly High, first period . . ._

Ed had never noticed how often the other students stared at him and Envy before. Moon-Shoulders was right; almost everyone in school believes all that crap . . .

"I would like you all to welcome the new students," Borland said as class began. Three new students walked into the classroom, one of which almost made Ed scream. He hid under his desk in hopes that the new student didn't see him.

"What's wrong? Had an accident?" Envy asked Ed. He's been acting bitchy all morning.

"Their names are," Borland continued, "Russell Tringham, Abel, and Scar. Sit wherever you see an empty seat." Then Borland muttered to himself, "What's with all these students with no last name?" (Aztec Goddess: I call Scar's brother _Abel_ since I don't know his real name. If anyone does, please tell me!)

_Oh, crap,_ Ed thought. _There's an empty seat right in front of me!_ Ed heard someone sit in the aforementioned seat. _Please, don't let it be Scar. Don't let it be Scar._ Ed sat back on his seat and, lucky him, it was Russell who decided to sit in front of him.

"Hey, Ed!" Russell said. "Looks like you still haven't grown an inch!"

Ed ignored Russell's comment. "What are you doing here? You work?"

"I'd like to one of these days. You know, before Fletcher and I become homeless and stuff. So, how's this school like?"

"It's okay, I guess. But they're retards when it comes to out-of-school stuff. I mean, they're having Winter Formal in the middle of November. And I heard that club socials are in hospital parking lots." Ed stopped since he noticed that Russell's eyes were wandering. He was glancing around the room a lot but his gaze always fell in Envy.

Envy noticed this. He gave Russell a confused look, and Russell quickly turned away. "So, what were you saying again?" Russell asked Ed.

" . . . I forgot," Ed lied. He was too disturbed to continue. This made him feel annoyed for some reason. Russell's interested in Envy? That's just not right, no matter what the reason is. But maybe he shouldn't jump to conclusions . . .

The student sitting next to Russell whispered something to him. Russell gave the student an odd look, glanced at Envy again, then shook his head and started doing the assigned work. Okay, that had something to do with the rumor.

Second period came. None of the new students were there with Ed and Envy. Roy was blocking the door and he greeted them. "So, how have you two been?" he asked with a big smile on his face.

Envy shoved Roy out of the way without a word. Roy turned to Ed, still smiling. "What's wrong? Been mistreating your man?"

"You don't know what you're getting yourself into," Ed growled.

"Threats are all you have, huh?" Roy started to walk to his seat.

Then something came over Ed. He yelled, "HOW DARE YOU GRAB MY ASS, YOU PERVERT!"

The other students and Johnson gasped. Since they were all convinced that Ed is a female, and since violating a girl is a big deal at this school, Roy had just gotten in big trouble. "Roy, is this true?" Johnson asked.

"Wha – no! You all know Ed's crazy!" Roy said. "Ed already has a son, remember?"

"That's beside the point," Johnson said. "Violating a girl is an automatic three-day suspension. That's not gonna look pretty on your permanent record."

"But you have no proof-"

Envy raised his hand and said, "I saw it, and I know other people who did, too."

"But I didn't grab Ed's ass _today_!"

"So that means you've done it before?" Johnson said. "That's a double suspension! To the principal's office!"

Roy knew he was defeated, so he went to the principal's office to face his fate. Ed wasn't very happy about everyone thinking he's a girl again, but at least he got Roy in trouble. Maybe this would be the only way to get Roy _expelled_. He had to keep on getting Roy in trouble like this.

Ed took his seat. "I'll deal with the rumor," Envy told him. "But I expect you to finish off Roy." How was Envy planning to deal with the rumor? That question will be answered soon enough.

It was time for Spanish class. Once Ed and Envy took their seats, Envy said, "You don't look worried. I'm assuming you studied hard for this exam?" Ed could only gawk at Envy in disbelief. "Oh, never mind then."

"Exam! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Ed cried.

"It's been on the board for over a month. And the teacher's been constantly reminding us to study."

Gluttony laughed at Ed's stupidity. "You're screwededed!"

Before Ed knew it, there was a scantron and an exam as thick as a Harry Potter book in front of him. (Aztec Goddess: I don't own Harry Potter.)"Okay, Ed, calm down," he told himself. "It's no big deal. You can do this!"

_Twenty minutes later . . ._

Ed had successfully found the right place to write his name, date, and subject. But then again, the scantron was written in English. He was still stuck on the first question of the exam. He had finished reading a short story on the exam which he was pretty sure was about a man going to war and being turned into a cow by a tree . . . But he had no clue what any of the questions were asking for.

Envy was almost half-way done; Ed could see that from the corner of his eye. _No, I mustn't cheat! _Ed thought to himself. _Turn away! I can't cheat off Envy! That's just plain wrong!_ But it was too late. _A, C, C, D, B, A, A, C, D, B, C, B, damn it! Why couldn't Envy wait a little before turning the scantron over!_

Ed couldn't believe himself, but he wrote down the answers he got from Envy. So he had twelve done. Only eighty-eight to go!

Ed wasn't even half-way done when the bell rang. He heard Alvarez say something, but of course, he couldn't understand a single word. "He said if you're not done," Envy translated for Ed, "you have to stay here until you do finish."

_Five minutes to lunch . . ._

"Aw, screw this," Ed said to himself. He still had about thirty questions left. He practically guessed on all the others, so completely guessing wasn't going to affect his grade much. He was going to fail Spanish no matter what. It hurt Ed to realize this, but it wasn't completely his fault. He should be in Spanish 1, but . . . _Roy_ put him in Spanish Literature. Passing this class would really show Roy, but that didn't seem possible.

Ed bubbled in random answers, handed his scantron and exam in, then rushed to the cafeteria. Trying to think in Spanish left him _staving_. He ran into Russell along the way.

"Hey, Ed! I've been looking for you!" Russell said.

"What's up?" Ed asked.

"I've been meaning to ask you some things. First of all, the whole thing with you and Envy having a kid isn't true, right?"

"Of course it's not true! Only a dumbass could believe that!"

"Whoa, then there are a _lot _of dumbasses in this school. Anyway, how well do you know Envy?"

"Why are you interested in _Envy_?" Ed didn't mean for that sound wrong, but Russell didn't seem to notice.

"Just thought I'd get some background information, 'cause guess what? She asked me to go to Winter Formal with her!"

First, Ed was dumbstruck. Then he came to the conclusion that this was probably part of Envy's plan to get rid of the rumor. Then he realized something else: "Wait, did you call Envy a _she_?"

"Yeah! She's awesome! She can transform into anyone!"

"And you don't find that the least bit odd?"

They were already inside the cafeteria and had sat down at a table. Ed had started eating his lunch. "What's so odd about that?" Russell asked as he took out his own lunch from his backpack. "It just shows that she's got mad skills!"

Then a certain someone came along and interrupted Ed while he was finishing up eating. It was Scar. He stood in front of Ed, cracked his knuckles, and said, "We settle our differences here and now."

Aztec Goddess: So . . . does Scar's brother even have a name? And what's gonna happen between Envy and Russell? Don't worry – not much.

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Oh, I hope you feel better soon. I don't want _this_ fic to be an Envy x Ed because I'm trying not to put any real romance in here. This was originally supposed to be pure humor. I also thought it was going to be around twelve chapters, but that's probably not going to happen. Man, I change my mind a lot . . .

To **Everto Angelus**: OH, MY GOD! You don't know George Lopez! He's the funniest Mexican comedian in the world! His stand-ups are in English and basically the only Spanish words he uses are bad words, so he's easy to understand. He's funny because everything he says about Mexicans is true! Well, at least considering all the Mexicans I know.

To **Spearette**: I know! I just wanna hug the life out of Wrath! And I could really imagine him in a bunny costume.

To **Dark Dreamer xXx**: I think Axe smells awesome, too! I use it as an air freshener! It kicks all the girly body spray's ass! Hee-hee. Ed likes smelling Envy. I laughed when I wrote that.

To **nadisrad**: Hm, cow bones don't sound that much better as cow stomach. Where do people get these ideas? Anyway, when I think about it, Envy and Ed _do_ look like they could be Wrath's parents. Wrath looks kinda like Envy and Wrath is kinda part of Ed . . . Hm, maybe I should do some research.

To **demonik**: (joins you in happy dance) But Ed doesn't have a _pony tail_! He has a _braid_! And Envy has a manly skort! Makes you wonder which one is more feminine. . . Did you sleep in your room while you were painting it? I'd imagine you'd get dizzy.

To **Iwin Ulose**: Yep, I've been trying to start my romance fic already, and it's so freakin' hard! I guess it has something to do with the fact that I feel sick when I even try to read romance stories. Anyway, yeah, I was just trying to show how much Ed sucks at Spanish. That was pretty sad, though, not knowing _no_.

To **nonesofar**: Uh . . . . . . . . . huh? Can you give me a clue on who you are? Have you ever reviewed to me before? . . . Are you my mommy? Wait, I don't say that. I say _mamé_ with a naco accent. Yeah, I'm a naco. Now that I told you a little about myself, tell me who you are!

To **Paola**: SHH! No one must have a clue on that part! Oh, well. It's gonna be in the next chapter. Hee-hee. George Lopez somehow ended up in the FMA world! Muy chingón! Chile makes a lot of cuts in my mouth, but that's half the fun! It makes everything spicier!


	12. Winter Formal

Aztec Goddess: Well, you know the drill. I babble a little at first, and then the chapter starts. It's like freakin' magic. Man, this is the longest chapter I've ever written! Look at the scroll bar! Gasp!

Winter Formal

Is anyone wondering what Hughes has been up to? Well, since Roy was sent home, he went straight to HQ to check up on the place. He was greeted by Elysia at the door. She held out her hand to tell Roy to stop. "You've gotta say the password first!" she said.

"What for? I work here!" Roy said.

"No you don't! Daddy's the only one working here and he said this place can be my playhouse! So you need to say the password to enter!"

Roy rolled his eyes. "Lemme guess . . . Elysia?"

Elysia pouted. "Fine! You can come in, but you're not allowed to touch anything!"

Roy entered and was horrified at what he saw. Pictures – billions of them! They were stapled all over the furniture and the walls. And they weren't all pictures of Elysia. Most of them were altered pictures of the Military: Hawkeye's face on Armstrong's body, Fury hugging Havoc, and Roy in a skimpy dress!

"WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS!" Roy yelled. He started to rip some of the pictures featuring himself off the wall.

"Hey, stop that!" Elysia yelled. "Mommy, Daddy, and I spent a lot of time making those!"

After ripping some pictures to shreds, Roy asked, "And exactly where is your daddy?" He had this evil look on his face.

Elysia shrugged. "He's probably sleeping in one of the offices."

Roy ran to and barged into Hughes' office, where he found a finely built fort made out of blankets and chairs. "Hughes! Where are you?" Roy started to move aside some of the blankets, and was attacked by a rabid Hughes.

"Leave my fort alone!" Hughes hissed dramatically. He put the blankets back in place. "Only cool people are allowed in it, so go away!"

"Hughes, let's be serious for once," Roy said. "What have you been doing here!"

"Working! It's a lot of hard work to redecorate the entire place _and_ build the perfect fort to sleep in!"

"Redecorate?" Roy repeated. "You mean stapling pictures all over the place? That's _vandalism_!"

"No it's not, 'cause I own this place now! Oh, and you don't like the new look? . . . Then you probably don't wanna see your old office. . ."

Roy started to run to his office. Hughes went back inside his fort and covered his ears. As soon as Roy opened the door to his old office . . . "AAAHHHH! OH, DEAR GOD! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, HUGHES!" That was followed by a lot of profanity.

_Back with Ed and Scar . . ._

"You're gonna try to kill me in front of all these people?" Ed questioned Scar.

"Sure, why not? I've got nothing to lose," Scar replied. He took off the red jacket that's part of the uniform to reveal his tattooed arm. This intrigued a bunch of girls nearby.

"Ooh!" the random girls squealed. "Sexy!" They clung on to Scar and started stroking his pretty arm. Ed and Russell could only watch in amusement/disgust.

Then Abel came along. "Hey, what's going on?" he asked his confused brother.

"Hey, the nerd-look! That is so totally sheik!" some of the girls said as the grabbed on to Abel. "You two are coming with us!" And so the girls dragged away the two brothers.

"But this was my chance to _kill_ Ed!" Scar whined as he was being sent away to God-knows-where.

"Why are you complaining?" Abel asked. "Stuff like this doesn't happen every day!"

" . . . That was odd," Russell commented. Then he suddenly stood up from the table and waved at someone. Ed turned to see who Russell was waving at. Envy, of course. "Hey, Envy!" Russell stood up and ran up to Envy.

It freaked him out, but Ed couldn't help but watch Russell and Envy talk. Envy was wearing the female's uniform, which he filled out nicely. Even Ed had to admit Envy looks good as a girl. Ed couldn't hear what Russell or Envy were saying, but they were smiling and laughing a lot.

Then some random person came up to Ed. "Hey, isn't that new guy hitting on your boyfriend, er girlfriend?" he asked. "Wait, what _is _Envy? And what are _you_?"

"I'm a guy! Is that so hard to understand!" Ed yelled at the random person. "And Envy, _he's_ my, um . . ." Ed wasn't sure what to say.

"He's my half brother," Envy answered for him. Ed nearly jumped out of his skin from shock. Envy didn't say the almost-but-not-quite-due-to-a-technicality part! And his voice was a lot more feminine. Envy and Russell were sitting next to him, and they have already gone back to talking to each other.

"Oh, wow. That explains a lot," the guy said. "But then who are the parents of that one kid who got expelled?"

"Wrath's the secretary's kid, I guess." Ed replied. "And just wonderin' . . . HOW COULD ANYONE THINK I WAS HIS MOTHER! I'M FREAKIN' SIXTEEN!"

"Um, you could have had him when you were six?"

Ed couldn't even respond to that. All he could do was give that guy a disappointed look. The guy looked confused, so he just walked away.

"Hey, I know a good joke!" Russell said to Envy. "Why did the girl fall off the swing?"

Envy giggled a little just by thinking about a girl falling off a swing. He thought about it for a while. "I dunno, why?" he asked. Ed was pondering that question, too. There could be several answers if you think about it. Ed was thinking stuff like: _Someone pushed her off. She felt like falling off. Her name was Envy_. Ed chuckled at his last thought.

"Because she had no arms!" Russell answered. This made Envy laugh his ass off.

"Did she, ever get, back up?" Envy managed to ask between laughs.

Russell shrugged. "Don't see how that's possible!" Then he joined Envy in his fit of laughter.

Ed laughed a little, too. But it bothered him to see Envy and Russell act all buddy-buddy after knowing each other for only a couple of minutes. He knew Envy was faking it, but he doubted Russell was.

_Meanwhile, in the school library . . ._

Let's see what the forgotten but somewhat-important characters are up to. Yeah, I'm talking about Breda and Sheska. It was lunch time, so naturally, Breda was eating. But then he remembered he needed a certain book for English class, so he went to the school's library, where he found Sheska buried under a ton of books.

"How long have you been here?" Breda asked Sheska as he helped her out of the pile of books.

Sheska looked dazed. "Hey, that's a good question! But did you know that this library has over five hundred books on things you can do with radishes, and no books on academics? Very interesting, don't you think?"

"Um, sure . . ."

Then Lust entered the library. "Weren't you in my English class?" she asked Sheska. "Everyone thinks you've been ditching these last few weeks.

"You've been here for _weeks_?" Breda asked Sheska in disbelief.

"Oh, dear! I hope I don't get expelled!" Sheska gasped.

"Did I say weeks? I meant _months_," Lust lied. "School had already ended. But at least you have a chance to celebrate America's Independence Day for fun before you get kicked out of this country!"

"Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea!" Sheska squealed. She waltzed to the door. "I'm off to Mexico to get the best and most affordable fireworks in the world!" And that's exactly what she did. Breda didn't have a chance to correct Sheska's misunderstanding. He was too busy reading a fascinating book about radishes.

_About two weeks later, the day of Winter Formal . . ._

Spanish class was almost over. Envy had been in his female form the entire time, and people have yet to ask him about it. Ed has been trying to ask him about being called simply his "half brother", but he didn't know how to word the question. _Were you just being lazy, so you didn't say the entire part? Or_ _was that what you really meant? Or are you just plain nicer around Russell?_

Ed's friendship with Russell became awkward. All he ever talked about was Envy, and it really annoyed Ed. _Envy's a liar. He can't be trusted. He only does whatever is most convenient for him. And he's so freakin' weird! _

The bell rang, breaking Ed's train of thoughts. "Elric," Alvarez called to Ed. "I need you to stay after class for a little while."

"He's talking to you in English!" Envy whispered to Ed. "This can't be good. Heh, sucks for you!" Then he left to lunch, like the rest of the class.

Ed nervously walked up to Alvarez, who was sitting on his desk with a little paper in his hands. A scantron. "I had just finished grading all the exams," the teacher said. "Looks like you had no problems with the first couple of questions . . ."

"Um, can I see my grade?" Ed asked. Alvarez handed him the scantron. He was afraid to look, but he needed to know . . . It was what he expected to get: a big fat **F**. Thirty-one out of a hundred, to be exact.

"And you're grades on homework could be much better, too," Alvarez said. "You're failing miserably! Can you even speak Spanish?"

". . . No."

"Then you should get a transfer-"

"No!" Ed threw himself onto Alvarez and held on to his legs. "I'll try much harder from now on! You won't understand, but I _need_ to stay in this class!"

Alvarez looked freaked out. "Okay, fine! But don't blame me if you don't graduate! And stop touching my legs! It's creepy." Ed stood back up, and Alvarez continued, "I advise you to get a tutor. Perhaps an A student like Envy?"

Ed shuddered at that thought. He still owed Envy two favors, so it wouldn't be a good idea to be tutored by him anyway. Ed wanted to learn Spanish on his own, so he planned to study his ass off the second he got home. But something came up . . .

"Hi, Ed!" Winry greeted Ed at the apartment. "Just thought I'd check up on you to see what you've been doing!"

"Oh, okay," Ed said. Then he headed towards his room to study.

"Hey! Where are you going? I haven't seen you in a while! Let's hang out!"

"Take her to Winter Formal," Wrath demanded rather than suggested. "Or at least get her out of here! She scares me!" Wrath hid from Winry behind Al.

"Hey, that's not a very nice thing to say," Al said.

"You're too cute to be true!" Winry squealed at Wrath. She dived to try to catch him, but he moved out of the way right in the nick of time.

"I don't wanna go anywhere!" Ed whined. "I need to study!"

Winry stood back up. "Winter Formal sounds like fun! Let's go!"

Ed didn't stand a chance. It's not like he can turn his blade against Winry, so he let her drag him to the outside of the apartment. Winry looked around. "So, where's this Winter Formal being held at?"

"At the Home Town Buffet down the street," Ed replied. (Aztec Goddess: That's yet another thing I don't own.)

So a mysteriously hyper Winry and a reluctant Ed went to the aforementioned Home Town Buffet. They were the only ones wearing casual clothes there. Man, Ed was still in his school uniform!

"Why didn't you tell me this was gonna be formal?" Winry whined at Ed.

"Wasn't that kinda implied?"

"Huh? Whatever do you mean?" Winry thought it over. " . . . All this thinking is making me hungry. Where's the food?"

"Are you feeling okay, Winry?"

Winry ignored Ed's question because she found where some of the food was "hidden": right next to her! And she also found where all the plates were stored: right next to the food! It was a very proud day for Winry.

Ed left Winry alone and wandered around the restaurant to see if anyone he knew was there. But it was very hard to move around since half the school was stuffed inside a single restaurant. Okay, so not _everyone_ there was inside the restaurant; the people that wanted to danced were forced to go to the parking lot; but there were still tons of people.

Ed thought he saw Gluttony, which seemed a little suspicious. If Gluttony was there, then Lust had to be around. (Note: Ed doesn't know that the homunculi were at the other dance.) He tried to follow the freaky-looking homunculi around, but crashed into someone in his pursuit. Russell.

"Hey, Ed," Russell said. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Oh, hey, Russell," Ed said awkwardly. He glanced around. "Envy isn't here?"

"Of course she's here! You don't recognize her?" Russell pointed out a really hot girl getting some desserts not too far from them. Maybe if you look really closely at her face, you can tell she's Envy. But Ed, and several other people, found it very hard to look at Envy's _face_. He gave himself some dangerous curves and a revealing black dress.

Russell slapped Ed over the head. "Quit staring at her like that! You have no respect for women, do you?"

Russell was being serious. Now Ed was worried for him. Then Envy walked to them holding a bowl of ice cream. He handed it to Russell and wrapped her arm around Russell's free arm. Ed felt sick.

"I think I saw Roy in here somewhere," Envy told Ed. "You better keep your promise." She turned to Russell. "Let's go, nene." And so Envy and Russell disappeared into the crowd.

_Hey!_ Ed thought. _Envy used to call me that! I'm being replaced as a person he lies to! Wait, what am I complaining about?_ Ed felt confused. No, wait, he still felt sick. _GAH!_ _I was staring at Envy's cleavage! _He calmed down rather quickly. _Okay, now to look for Roy._ He searched his pockets to see if he had anything to use against Roy. He found a quarter. This gave him an idea.

_Meanwhile, in the parking lot . . ._

Lust, Greed, and Pride sat on the sidewalk and waited for a certain someone. "Are you sure she's even coming?" Greed whined at Lust. He was extremely bored.

"Yes, I made sure everything will go to plan," Lust replied. "Even ask Pride!"

"Yeah, she's coming," Pride said. He pointed at something in front of him. "She's over there."

It was Sheska wearing a sombrero and a colorful poncho. She was dragging along a huge box covered with dozens of warning stickers written in Spanish. "Hey, Lust!" she said. "Um, are you sure this is the best place to set off illegal fireworks?"

Greed was intrigued. "Ooh! I wanna see what's in the box!" He ran up to the box of mystery and started opening it. He pulled out something that looked like a little missile attached to a really long pole.

"We need to wait until nightfall," Lust said. "And we are not the ones that are going to set them off."

"Hey, I should be able to set some off!" Sheska whined. "I bought them!" Then she thought over the entire situation and looked at her surroundings. "Oh, wow. This place is really crowded. I don't think this is a good idea . . . Plus, these _are_ illegal. They're practically bombs that shoot up in the air – at least most of the time . . ."

_Back with Ed . . ._

Success! Ed had found Roy sitting with the other Military people. And Winry was there, too, but just to bug. "Drinks go on the _left _side of your plate, you freak!" Winry yelled at Roy. She pushed Maria out of the way to sit next to Roy and fixed his mistake.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Roy yelled at Winry. "We're busy here! You have no right to listen to the Military's affairs!"

"Hey, how 'bout me?" Ed asked, pissed off because he was being left out.

"You're an enemy now," Roy replied. "'Cause you have one of the enemies living with you!"

Ed looked disturbed. "You mean Wrath? But how do you even know that?"

"Um, sorry, Ed," Brosh said, scratching his head due to nervousness.

" . . . We've been doing a lot of undercover work," Havoc explained.

"The homunculi are trying to get us expelled," Roy said to Ed. "And we have reasons to believe that you are working with them–"

"That's crazy talk!" Ed yelled. "You've been giving me far too much crap all year, and I'm sick of it! I challenge you to a game of wits and skills!" Ed showed his quarter to Roy. "The loser will have to do one thing the winner tells him to do! So, heads or tails?"

Roy thought it over. "Okay, but we'll all have to jump you if you use alchemy to your advantage. If I win, you have to wear a girl's uniform until winter break. I choose tails."

Winter break. That meant an entire month. But Ed had full confidence in himself. It's about time he'd have some good luck. "Fine, but if I win, you'll have to come to school with a spray can – stark naked – and write _George Lopez sucks_ on the walls, okay?"

"See? You _are_ trying to get me expelled!"

Ed didn't reply. He flipped the quarter up in the air and let it hit the floor. It spun around, gradually becoming slower and slower, but still swaying between heads and tails . . . Heads . . . tails . . .

Aztec Goddess: Wow, this is way longer than I'm used to, but I mustn't forget about review responses!

To **nadisrad**: It's the_ Radish Times_ because Kelly High is home of the fighting radish! My school's the fighting _Irish_. I decided on using a radish just because it rhymes. Plus, it sounds funny!

To **Everto Angelus**: It's okay if you don't know him . . . unless you live in California! It's pretty hard to not know him around here. I tried as hard as I could to make this chapter long. I'm surprised I actually finished in two days!

To **nonesofar **(ch 11): Oh, I see now . . . I think. And milk is our friend! Do not dis da milk! Maybe if you're nicer to it, it won't imprison you when it finally does rule the world!

To **nonesofar** (ch 8): Milk is good for you! Poor Ed hates milk. That's why he's so short and got so freaked out when he grabbed Psiren's boob. Now he can never be normal.

To **Iwin Ulose**: I'm trying to get used to romance, and . . . LOL! Man, I could just imagine Russell saying that! But then Ed would run away crying. (I think I fixed that typo already.) Ed: I am NOT gay! . . .(mumbles) Except in every other fanfic.

To **Dark Dreamer xXx**: Don't worry, you'll never have to wait long! I'm learning how to type faster (I REALLY suck at it), but I get things done no matter what anyway.

To **Peter Kim**: Wow, you're the first to ask that. Bradley (Pride) is a student, so he has nothing to do with it. And Dantae, well, you'll see later. But the right answer is waaaayyy simpler than what you came up with.

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: I wanna read your FMA fic soon, but I haven't seen the ending yet, so, yeah. Poor Ed never stood a chance on the Spanish exam.

To **demonik**: Hey, if Ed is really a girl homunculi, then he and Envy were meant to be! Ooh, but think of the children . . . they'll look so cute! And they'll live happily ever after and visit your newly painted room to get high! Aww! Now THAT'S romantic!

To **sexylucifer**: Well, Roy is a pervert. I wouldn't be surprised if he did naughty things to Ed in the anime while they're off screen . . . O.o. Poor Envy's all left out.

To **Paola**: Hm, I thought I fixed that mistake already. (shrugs) Oh, well. Eric Cartman's mom is . . . Riza Hawkeye! Don't you think they look alike? But seriously, I have no clue. His mom is . . . his mom, I guess.


	13. Expulsion 2

Aztec Goddess: When I saw I had over a hundred reviews, I was like: **O.O** . . . I LOVE YOU GUYS IN A NON-PERVERTED WAY! (cries dramatically)

Expulsion 2

And so the quarter spun like it never spun before. It was going incredibly slow and looked like it was going to stop on tails . . . and it did. Ed fell to his knees and started yelling at the poor defenseless quarter. "YOU LITTLE BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU!" Roy pointed and laughed at Ed.

A waitress came up to Ed. "I'm sorry, sir," she told him, "but you and your quarter are gonna have to take it outside. We don't want any trouble." Then she gave out utensils and plates filled with food to the Military. "Here are your orders. Enjoy!" Then she walked away, dragging along Ed to the door.

Winry was eyeing the waitress suspiciously. Then she realized something. "Hey, the customers are supposed to get their own food around here!" The Military was already eating at that time.

Then Maria glared at her spoon suspiciously. "The utensils are dirty!" Everyone gasped. "They're trying to kill us! I knew it!"

Roy examined his utensils carefully. " . . . Gunpowder?"

Russell was nearby, and seemed to have lost Envy. He pushed his way through the crowd and eventually ran into him. "Hey, where were you? . . . And why are you dressed up as a waitress?"

"Oh, I forgot." Envy changed back to his skimpy black dress. "I needed to make a call and . . . um, only staff members are allowed to use the phone."

_Meanwhile, in the parking lot . . ._

"So, is it dark enough yet?" Sheska asked Lust.

Just then, Gluttony walked out of the restaurant and joined Lust and the others. "Envy has finished setting it all up," he said.

"What does that mean?" Sheska asked.

"Don't pay attention to him," Greed said. "He makes no sense, but he's apparently jealous about something." Greed pretended to think. "I know! It's because I'm not gonna let him set off _my _fireworks!" He took a couple more of the fireworks out of the box and started setting them up along the sidewalk.

But Gluttony had no interest in the fireworks anyway. Once Greed finished emptying out the box, Gluttony jumped inside and started rolling around in it.

Greed took out some matches and before he could use them, Sheska attacked him. "WAIT!" she screeched. "I'm gonna set off the first one!" She pushed Greed to the ground and took away the matches.

Greed sat on the floor, dumbstruck. "I was _pushed to the ground_ by some weak girl!" He covered his face in embarrassment. "I – I just don't know what to believe in anymore."

Pride tried to cheer Greed up. "Um, look at the bright side! I'm sure you get more girls than her, right?" But that made Pride feel sad. He had a family who disappeared into a plot hole, so he has no one! Pride wasn't up to seeing the fireworks anymore, so he went back to the apartment.

Sheska lit up her first firework. It went up in the air, then back down on someone's car. "HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!" she cheered.

The dancing students in the parking lot finally noticed Sheska, the fireworks, and the others. They all looked at her funny. "What are you talking about?" they asked. "It's the middle of November!"

Sheska was about to ask why they would say that, but was rudely interrupted by one of the students. "AH! MY CAR!" he screamed. "Where the hell did it go?"

"Where _could_ it have gone?" his girlfriend asked.

"I dunno, but there's only a pile of burning crap where my car was parked." The guy thought over the situation. Fireworks. Pile of burning crap. Hm . . . "God damn it! I've been jacked! Hey, everyone! Help me look for my car!" The students split up into groups and ran opposite directions down the street.

Sheska sighed of relief. Then she heard several fireworks shoot up in the air. They exploded all beautifully; the way they are supposed to. "Hey!" Sheska turned to Greed. "You meanie! Leave some for me!"

"Greed, stop it," Lust ordered. "Envy called the police several minutes ago. We can't be seen around the fireworks." But Greed wasn't listening. Or maybe he didn't hear Lust since everyone in Hometown Buffet suddenly burst out of the doors to see what was going on.

All this time, Ed was standing next to the restaurant doors, cussing out his quarter. That poor, unlucky guy was hit by the door and was trampled over several times. He recognized Envy at one point, so he grabbed on to his leg. Envy almost fell over, so he grabbed on to Russell.

Ed pulled himself up and asked accusingly, "What'd you do this time, Envy?"

Envy didn't have time to reply. Russell had punched Ed back down to the ground. "Don't touch Envy! And what's your problem with her?"

"Don't you see? He-"

"_She._" Russell corrected Ed.

Ed rolled his eyes as he stood back up again. "Fine. _She_ doesn't even like you! The only reason she's with you is to stop the rumors about me and her!"

Envy could only watch this argument in amusement. But he knew he had to say something to get out of the situation and continue with the plan to get the Military people expelled. So, Envy pretended to be crushed. "You're an asshole!" He yelled at Ed, then ran off, pretending to cry.

"Now look what you did!" Russell was about to punch Ed again, but Ed blocked him.

"Yeah, Envy's a good actor," Ed retorted. "You should have been here earlier to see our skit for Theater. He-" Ed's voice was drowned away by more loud explosions from the fireworks.

One of the fireworks hit the Hometown Buffet, and started a fire. The State Military watched in awe. "Wait, shouldn't we be doing something about this?" Maria asked Roy.

"No, we're only high school students now," Roy replied. "Our job is to either cause or just watch these types of disasters."

"Oh, that makes sense," Havoc mused.

"It's a good thing I brought marshmallows!" Brosh said as he took out a bag of marshmallows from out of nowhere. The other Military people picked up sticks from the ground, and they all walked closer to the fire.

Envy walked to the nearest phone booth and called the cops for the second time that day. "Hey, I called half an hour ago," he said. "Buildings are burning down now, and you better get here before the culprits leave. . . A coffee crisis? Oh, I see. . . Yeah, I suppose the buildings will still be burning in the next hour. Okay, see ya." Envy hung up. "Man, the people around here are idiots!" he yelled at no one. "Well, I better make sure none of the Military people leave." He walked back to the Hometown Buffet.

Envy disguised himself as Ed and came up to the Military people who were peacefully roasting marshmallows in a very open fire. "There you guys go, making me feel left out again!" he whined.

"You don't deserve marshmallows!" Roy said. "Ever since you've been hanging out with that freak, Envy!"

"He's so . . . slutty," Maria added. "Is that why you liked him in the first place?"

Envy almost couldn't control his anger. Yeah, _almost_. "What the hell, you bitch!" Envy bitch-slapped Maria. "And I never liked Envy!" Envy thought as fast as he could to end this quickly and put a huge dent in Ed's rep just for fun. "I . . . I love Jean Havoc!" Before Havoc could defend himself, Envy grabbed his ass. Then Envy ran off to meet with Lust. He changed back to his usual form.

"How much longer do we have to wait?" Lust asked Envy.

"I dunno. You'd think that at least the fire department would show up by now, with the fire spreading and all. Makes you wonder why everyone's so calm. . ."

Ed and Russell were still fighting next to the doors. "I'm just being a good friend and telling the truth!" Ed defended himself.

"You're just being an evil little brother to your sister!" Russell retorted.

Ed calmed down. "So, he told you about that?"

"Yeah, when we were at my house and she was-"

"AH! Don't tell me!" Ed immediately covered his ears.

"SHE WAS TUTORING ME FOR SPANISH!" Russell finished.

"Oh, okay then." Ed put his hands back down. "But seriously, Russell. You shouldn't trust Envy so much."

Just then, news reporters, George Lopez, cops, and firefighters came (in that order). The last few fireworks went off when they came.

George Lopez looked up at the sky in awe. "Wow, it's so beautiful! . . . Wait, Mexican fireworks are illegal here." He turned to all the students present and said to them, "Sorry guys, but I'm gonna have to expel the people behind this."

The students whined. This all meant that they were stuck in the parking lot until they were each proven innocent. "Yeah, I know this sucks," George Lopez said. "I don't wanna be here with you guys either, but principals have certain_ duties_, or some shit like that." He thought for a while. "Sabes qué? I'm only gonna pick out the people who really look like they were apart of this."

**Translation: "Know what?" That's one of his special lines in real life.**

Everyone formed a circle around where the fireworks were set up. Greed was still there with matches in his hand. "Um, I didn't do it," he tried to defend himself. The fact that he was covered in gunpowder didn't help much.

"You're expelled, and so is that guy rolling around in the firework box," George Lopez said, pointing at a saddened Gluttony. George looked around and immediately noticed Sheska still in her sombrero and colorful poncho. "You're expelled, too."

"What do you mean?" Sheska asked. "School has already ended! It's the fourth of July!"

"Okay . . . before you're expelled, you're gonna need to take a drug test."

Lust came up to the principal. "I believe I know who else is involved in this," she said. She led George to the State Military.

"Is there a problem, sir?" Roy asked George.

George looked at each Military person suspiciously. "Yeah, you guys smell like gunpowder."

"Um, it's just the air!" Maria lied, well, not really. She held her hands out to the principal. "See? We're clean!" The others – except stupid Denny Brosh – did the same. Denny didn't wash his hands like the others out of stupidity, so he had to dust the gunpowder off his hands using his pants.

"You're obviously expelled," George said to Denny.

The others gasped. "You can't do that!" Roy yelled. "Pretty soon, there isn't gonna be a State Military!"

George shrugged. "What do I care? Do I _look_ like I'm from around here?" Everyone shook their head. "Exactly, so is anyone else here guilty?"

"I always see that other blonde with matches," Lust said, pointing at Havoc.

Havoc took out his matches. "That's only 'cause I smoke!"

George glared at Havoc suspiciously. "So where are your cigarettes?"

Havoc put his hand in his back pocket, then got that _oh, crap_ look on his face. "Damn it! Ed must have taken my pack of cigarettes! Man, I don't even wanna know what he's doing to it . . ."

"Hey, that means you're expelled, too," George said to Havoc. "That makes what – five now? That sounds like enough. I'm going home." And so George left to wherever the hell he lives.

The Military glared at Lust. "You're behind this, aren't you?"

Lust looked shocked. "I barely got here!" The Military didn't look convinced, so she added, "Prove me wrong." The others had no response for this, so Lust left them with a smug look on her face.

Envy caught up to Lust and asked, "So, how much of the State Military is gone now?"

"We've got three more down, if you count Sheska. But we lost Greed and Gluttony."

"Those idiots. Oh, well. It's not like they were doing much anyway." Envy was throwing a little box up and down for fun while talking. Havoc's cigarettes. "In fact, I'm the one doing all the hard stuff!"

"That's because you like being the center of attention."

"Yeah . . . So when are we gonna tell you-know-who our demands?"

"You mean Ed, right?" Envy nodded. "Back to detesting him, I see." Envy nodded again. "Then we'll have to wait a little longer."

Aztec Goddess: Here's a recap: Hawkeye, Fury, Wrath, Armstrong, Greed, Gluttony, Sheska, Brosh, and Havoc are all expelled. Man that's like half the people already!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: I'm afraid to be spoiled! But I bought the entire season off ebay the other day, so I'll probably be able to read your story some time next week.

To **Everto Angelus**: Yay, I get a salute! (feels proud) I hope that's the chicken dance playing in the background! (starts dancing)

To **nonesofar**: Milk has given me super powers! Defy it, and you shall be crushed by a lawn mower! Join us! JOIN US!

To **Runa**: You were right, Ed's crappy luck bit him in the ass again! Right now, I'm trying to think of another brilliant thing Al has to go through later on. But this chapter was made to see who would get expelled next.

To **Iwin Ulose**: Yeah, that would have been a good idea, but I want Ed back in a skirt to make things more difficult for him! I have decided to write two completely different types of stories for this one project for a school program. I was thinking of making a Humor, then a Romance, but to be totally opposite, the Romance is probably gonna be more Angst than anything.

To **nadisrad**: Thank you for helping me reach this mark with all your reviews! So, has the boat dock recovered yet? I only got the usual: being attacked by sparks from Morning Glories. It wasn't so bad this year though.

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 1): Too bad for the FMA cast, high school isn't going too be all that great for them.

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 2): Glad to hear that!

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 3): Don't worry, high school isn't as bad as it is for Ed. Unfortunately, high school teachers rarely give out treats for being good. (cries) I miss elementary school!

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 4): Yeah, but it was hard for me to imagine Hughes doing that. So, are your sister and cousin old enough to read this?

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 5): No, not really, unless you're lucky.

To **sexylucifer**: No, Ed just thinks _female_ Envy is hot. I can't have them falling in love in this story! If that happens, I'm gonna have to change a lot of my plans.

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 6): Of course I'll continue! I really wanna see how this will turn out 'cause I have no clue myself!

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 7): For some reason, Ed doesn't strike me as the type of person who would know any Spanish, even though his name sounds like _Eduardo_ in the Japanese version . . . Oh, well.

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 8): Yeah, that would be cool, but it'll suck not being one of the anime characters.

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 9): I feel like that, too!

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 10): Yay!

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 11): No, I don't think that line is in the series, but if you really think about it, it's true.

To **Lil-Kudo** (ch 12): Lucky you, not having to wait long for the update. And I can't thank you enough for all the reviews, but I'll try: THANK YOU times infinity to the infinite power!


	14. New Side Quests

Aztec Goddess: I didn't mean for a certain line in here to sound perverted, but that's just how it came out. Anyway, happy reading!

New Side Quests

Ed went back to the apartment feeling like he was missing something . . . "Hey, where's Winry?" he asked himself as he walked up the apartment stairs. He shrugged. "Hopefully, she's still not inside Hometown Buffet."

The fact was: Winry had run back to the apartment like a wet chicken as soon as the fire started, much to Wrath's dislike. Poor Wrath was knocked out by a wrench so Winry could cuddle him. Al was too busy reading the classified ads to help poor Wrath.

"Hey, I'm home," Ed said as he entered the apartment room.

"Ed! Why'd you stay for the fire?" Winry asked while she was practically strangling Wrath.

"Things came up. Y'know, like fireworks," Ed replied. "Wait, what are you doing to Wrath? Where's Al?"

Al came out of his room, newspaper in hand, and declared, "I have decided to get a job!"

"Why?" Ed asked as he forced the now semiconscious Wrath out of Winry's grasp.

"Well, someone needs an income around here," Al replied. "The money I won from the battle with the Fab Five won't last much longer-"

"Huh? What are you talking about?" Ed asked, utterly confused. He pulled Wrath to safety away from a whining Winry.

"Hey, I wasn't done cuddling with him!" Winry whined. " . . . Who is he anyway?"

"I'm . . . Ed's son!" Wrath replied sleepily.

Winry gasped dramatically. "Ed, is that true?"

"Yeah, sure," Ed replied sarcastically. "Anyway, Al, what kind of job are you planning to get?"

"Since everyone starts out working in a restaurant, I guess I'll start like that, too." Al replied.

"But then who am I gonna hang out with all day?" Wrath whined. He heard Winry snicker evilly. He slowly turned his head to see the happy look on her face and almost cried. He said to Ed, "Please, mommy! Don't tell me _she's_ staying here!"

"You can always go back to the other homunculi," Ed replied. "But not right now. It's ten o'clock. That's way past your bed time!" _Holy crap!_ Ed thought. _I really do act like his mommy!_

"Who's sleeping where?" Wrath asked.

"I'm a guest, so I should get a bed!" Winry said.

"I don't even need a bed," Al said. "And there's a couch right here, so . . ."

After an entire minute of careful planning and preparation, the sleeping arrangement went like this: Winry got Al's bed, Wrath got Ed's bed, Al got the living room couch, and Ed ended up on the bathroom floor.

"Wait a minute!" Ed said as he picked his head up from the cold tile floor. "How the hell did this happen?" No one answered him. They were either already asleep or just didn't want to answer him. Ed didn't bother to use his brain to think of sleeping at least on the carpeted living room floor. He just made himself as comfortable as possible (still not very comfy) and fell asleep.

_The next day . . ._

Envy was feeling pretty low again, but mostly pissed off when he found out Roy wasn't one of the Militarists that got expelled. He met up with Ed walking to school the next day and started yelling at him. "What the hell? Half the school year is almost over and Roy is still around! And why are you wearing a girl's uniform again? You want more rumors to start or something?"

"This is freakin' Roy's fault again!" Ed yelled back. "You think I like this?" He pulled his skirt down as low as possible to make sure his boxers wouldn't show again. "And you know what else I don't like? You using Russell like this!"

"Jeez, you're acting like I'm doing stuff to him! He's the one who – aw, forget it." Envy sped up his pace.

Ed was forced to break into a jog. "What? What are you saying?" Envy didn't respond. Ed gave him a horrified look. "You're _pregnant_!"

Envy whacked Ed over the head. "_No_! I was gonna say that _he_ came on to _me_ first! I plan to end this 'relationship' before he gets ideas like that anyway."

Ed rubbed his head. "Y'know, the weirdest part about this is that he really does like you."

"Yeah, it's a bit awkward."

_Meanwhile, on the streets with Al . . ._

"Wow, it looks like that one Hometown Buffet has already been replaced by another restaurant," Al said to himself. He went over to the new restaurant to investigate. It looked like a mini Kelly High: red and white. It had a sign with a huge red W on it and under it read _Winis_ (the Spanish word for _weenies_, pronounced the same way).

Al inspected the door. It had a _Now Hiring_ sign on it. "Oh, goody! This could be my new job!" Al entered the restaurant and asked to speak to the manager. He was an average Mexican with the most common Spanish name in the world: José. (Aztec Goddess: I literally have at least ten family members with that name!)

"Um, hello. I'm Al," Al introduced himself. "I'm looking for a job here."

"Any experience with winis?" José asked.

"Um . . . excuse me?"

"Winis! The thing in the middle of a hotdog!"

"Can't you just say _hotdog_?" Al was feeling very uncomfortable.

"No. It's only a hotdog when the wini is between the buns."

Al couldn't even respond to that.

"What, you got a problem with the word _wini_? You being racist to Mexicans now?" (Aztec Goddess: Yeah, _wini_ is the word Mexicans use. At least every Mexican I know.)

"No, sir! I'm just-"

"Good, you're hired! Now go meet up with your fellow workers!" José gave Al a funny red and white hat and pushed him to behind the registers where he was introduced to Gluttony and Greed.

"Hey, aren't you guys my neighbors?" Al asked. "And aren't you guys homunculi? What are you doing here?"

"We were forced to work," Greed said. "That's what we get for getting expelled."

Gluttony went off to the kitchen to eat his ass off. "Should we stop him?" Al asked Greed.

Greed snorted. "Yeah, I'd like to see you try." Then he got a customer.

"Excuse me, but what are _winis_?" the customer asked.

Greed sighed. "The thing in the middle of a hotdog."

"Why can't you just call them hotdogs then?"

Greed had a lot of trouble saying this: "As our motto says . . . It's only a hotdog when the wini is . . . between the buns." Greed covered his mouth as if he was about to throw up. "Excuse me . . ." He ran out back and started laughing hysterically. "I DON'T BELONG AROUND _WINIS_! I SHOULD BE OUT CLUBBIN' AND PICKING UP GIRLS! BUT _NOOOO_, I HAD TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT!"

Al, as freaked out as he was, turned to face the camera and said, "Please don't let this happen to you, kids! Stay in school and away from places called _Winis_!"

_In Kelly High, seventh period . . ._

Ed's been having a lot of trouble during passing periods. Now he had to sit in the uncomfortable fold-out chairs in Theater, even though his ass hurt like crap. "Why is it that everyone thinks I'm 'that one hot girl from the first day of school'?" Ed whined to Envy. "And why do all the guys feel like they need to pinch my ass?"

"Apparently, you have a woman's ass," Envy replied. "Consider it a compliment! At least you're popular now, right?"

"Ha, ha. Very funny," Ed retorted as he rubbed his ass.

"Listen up, class!" Hoganson said. "Like, second semester is starting soon, and we're gonna work more with making stages from now on. The theme is: foreign countries! So, I like expect you guys to do a little traveling over Winter break!"

Envy's face lit up. "Hey, let's go to Mexico!" he said to Ed. "At your expense, of course!"

"No way!" Ed replied.

"You can't say no 'cause you still owe me two favors!" Envy declared. Ed groaned. "Heh, you'd think I'd forget or something?"

" . . . How many people am I paying for?"

"Well, me and Russell, of course. And Fletcher will probably need to come, too."

"You're bringing them?" Ed whined. "It's gonna be so awkward for me! And why Mexico? I can't even speak Spanish!"

"Oh, yeah. Alvarez said to me that I should tutor you. You're failing, aren't you?" Envy gave Ed a sly look.

"No!" Ed lied. "I just need some help with the conjugations and translations and . . . everything else."

"Did you know that Russell is getting an A in his Spanish class thanks to me? Care to owe me another favor?"

"I'd like to know what you want from me in the first place."

Envy stared at Ed as if he was the most retarded person in the world. "After all this time you've known me, you still don't know what I want?"

Ed gave Envy a nervous look. "It isn't anything . . . perverted, right?"

"Yes, of course it is," Envy replied sarcastically. "In fact, all of us homunculi want to be apart of it. We want something so horribly sick from you, something so disturbing that it'll have to be censored, and it's called the philosopher's stone."

Ed's expression while Envy was elaborating was priceless. He looked like he peed his pants, er, skirt. But when he heard the last two words, he calmed down, until they fully registered in his brain. "You know I can never make a philosopher's stone!" he said. "You remember what the secret ingredient is, right?"

"_Human flesh_," Hoganson replied dramatically. He was sitting behind Ed, listening to their conversation the entire time. Ed nearly jumped out of his seat because of this.

"How did you know that?" Envy asked the teacher.

"Everyone knows stuff like that now," Hoganson said matter-of-factly. "Ever since George Lopez became our principal. He knows so much about alchemy and stuff like that, it's like, crazy!" Then he started to whisper. "I heard that he used some form of alchemy to find his way here! But don't spread it, okay?"

School ended. Envy went to Russell's house to tell him and his brother about the trip they're going to take to Mexico. Ed went to the principal's office to do some investigation about George Lopez.

Luckily, Ed made it to the principal's office just before he was leaving. "Hey, Mister Lopez!" Ed called out. "I have a question to ask you!"

"Um, okay," George replied.

"You're foreign, right? How did you find your way here?" Wow, Ed didn't realize how informal he was being to his principal.

George shrugged. "I crossed the border."

"No time for jokes!" Ed whined. But George wasn't really joking. "I really wanna know the truth! It's for um, Journalism!"

"No, it's a secret."

"C'mon! Tell me!" Ed whined as best he could. It seemed to be quite effective, especially since he looked like a girl at that moment.

"Fine, I'll give you a clue: I had help from the most powerful alchemic force in the world. Wow, _alchemic_ sounds so sophisticated!" With that said, George Lopez left.

Ed stood in place, talking to himself for a while. " . . . Could he be talking about the philosopher's stone? Oh, that'll be great! So all I'll have to do is come up with a way to steal it from him! Wait . . . if he has the philosopher's stone, won't that make him an alchemist? I've never seen him use alchemy before though . . ."

Ed talked to himself for quite a while, until a custodian showed him the way to the door. As he walked home, he started talking to himself again. "Poor Wrath. Maybe I should bring him with me to Mexico. Yeah, no one will care if Winry's alone."

_In the middle of the night . . ._

Wrath missed his old friends, so he decided to pay them a little visit. Sloth was up late working on school papers in the living room. "Hey, Sloth! How are you tonight?" Wrath chirped.

"Tired," Sloth yawned.

"What are you doing?" Wrath curled up next to Sloth on the couch and looked at the papers. They looked just like any other school forms to Wrath.

"I need to make sure I made no mistakes on who's expelled," Sloth explained. "Let's see . . . only ten State Militarists registered for this school. And . . . six are gone now. Wow, such little numbers."

"Where are the other Military peoples?"

"I suppose they have already left the country to not deal with the No Stoopid Peoples Act. Those crafty bastards didn't want to deal with the humiliation of high school."

"Oh, I see. Hey, is anyone else here still awake?"

"Probably not. And you shouldn't wake them. They've all been angrier nowadays."

"Don't worry, I'll be alright!" Wrath jumped off the couch and entered Envy's room. He carefully opened and closed the door, tiptoed up to his bed, then jumped on top of the sleeping Envy.

Envy's muffled voice sounded like a distinguishable _HOLY SHIT!_ He threw off his covers and searched for the intruder.

"Envy! I missed you!" Wrath jumped onto Envy again and hugged him. Then he got a confused look on his face and backed away from Envy. "Oh, I knew something was different. Why are you being a female more often now?"

"It's part of my plans," Envy replied, then went back under his covers.

"Hey, don't fall asleep just yet! I wanted to tell you that I'm going with you guys to Mexico!"

Envy didn't look so happy at Wrath. "We're leaving in three weeks. Couldn't you have told me any other time before that?"

"Yeah, but I just couldn't wait!"

Wrath ate pillows that night.

Aztec Goddess: Please go to my homepage to see my fanart about this story! If you do, don't forget to leave comments!

To: **Everto Angelus**: Hey, that's actually the right answer! No one really noticed Ed in Winter Formal, and that saved his ass. Oh, and Ed is happy to hear that you like his ass. Ed: Finally, a _girl_ notices my nice ass!

To **nadisrad**: Well, since George is a celebrity and stuff, I guess he has a lot of houses. But in this story, like any other principal, he probably lives in the little condo called the handicap bathroom stall.

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Hey, did you update already? The eBay person said that my DVDs might take two weeks to arrive, they don't know. Damn them!

To **Lil-Kudo**: Oh, okay. I guess I'll check out their stories when I get the chance.

To **nonesofar**: HAHA! That won't work on me 'cause I don't drink soda! Did you know that drinking it every day of your life will eventually make holes in the outside of your stomach?

To **Iwin Ulose**: Yeah, but a story doesn't need romance to be angsty. Now I think I wanna write something really violent next. I dunno. I guess I'll find out once I finish this story.

To **Paola** (ch 12): Yay, you finally read! Hm, maybe I should draw some of the pictures Roy saw . . . It might be too scary though.

To **Paola** (ch 13): That'll be cool if the real G. Lo reads this! But what are the odds of that? Anyway, are you gonna make your own blog thingie?


	15. Yahualica

Aztec Goddess: Sorry it took me an extra day to finish this chapter. It's just that I've been feeling really sick (like coughing and sneezing sick), so, yeah.

Yahualica

Al quit his job at _Winis_ a week later so he could get at least one paycheck. He got paid in pesos and when he went to a store to exchange it for whatever currency they use, it amounted to two dollars, forty-nine cents, and nine-tenths of a penny. "What can I do with this?" Al asked the clerk.

The clerk shrugged. "You can buy a gallon of gas before the prices go up again."

"But we don't have the gas price problem here," Al replied. " . . . And I don't even have a car!"

"Oh, then go get a job!"

The clerk was about to shoo Al out of the store, but then Al asked, "Can I work here?"

"Um, you don't mind working at a nail salon?"

" . . . Of course I don't mind!" Then Al thought to himself, _How'd I end up here in the first place?_

_The beginning of Winter break, at the post office . . ._

"I want an ice cream, Mommy!" Wrath whined while tugging at Ed's jacket when they were getting their passports. After this, they were going to meet the others at the airport with only a backpack each for luggage since, well, they don't have much.

"Quit calling me that," Ed muttered to Wrath while trying to talk to the office person. "No, my ID's correct. I _am_ male . . . and so is Wrath."

The office person looked shocked. "Wow! Are you sure? DAMN!" Then she pulled out two little booklets and handed them to Ed. "Anyway, here are your passports."

Ed and Wrath left the post office and headed to the airport, hand-in-hand, of course. Whenever someone walked by, they'd go _Aww!_ Wrath playfully swung Ed's arm back and forth much more than needed. "Can we get some candy then?"

"Wrath, we'll be late if we make any stops."

Wrath stuck out his bottom lip and gave Ed his best puppy eyes.

"Damn, stop doing that!" Ed whined. ". . . Fine, we'll stop for candy!"

_An hour later, at the airport . . ._

"What took you guys so long?" Envy yelled at Ed. He was still in his female form and wearing another skimpy dress again. He noticed a little bit of chocolate on Wrath's bottom lip. "You went out to spoil Wrath's appetite? _Great_." Envy took out a napkin and cleaned Wrath's face.

"Sorry, daddy," Wrath replied. Then he stretched out his arms at Envy and went on his tippy-toes.

"You big baby," Envy said as he picked Wrath up.

"Hey, where are Fletcher and Russell?" Ed asked.

"Waiting in the plane," Envy replied as he, while carrying Wrath, walked towards where the plane was. "We have everything sorted out already. All we need is for you to pay for it all."

"Um, okay . . ." Ed said, wondering how much it would all cost. He went to the ticket salesperson to figure out what to do.

"You must be Edward Elric," the lady said. Ed nodded. "Okay, let's see . . . Two children tickets, and three adult tickets, correct?"

Ed shrugged. "Sounds right."

The lady typed stuff in her computer and said, "First class, pleasant service, air conditioning, cable television, a hot tub and bathroom privileges. That comes up to $29990 even." Ed's jaw dropped to the floor. "Yeah, I know. It's the best deal you'll ever find!"

Lucky for Ed he took half of Al's money prize from the Fab Five ($30000), but since he paid for Wrath's snack, he ended up with about a buck or two in his pocket. After paying up, he asked, "How much would this have cost without all the extra stuff?"

"Oh, about $4000," the woman estimated.

Ed did a little pissed-off dance, then joined the others on the plane. It was a pretty damn nice plane, all slick and shiny and stuff. Ed wondered when technology had time to advance so quickly. Then he saw what was written on the side of the plane: _George Lopez_.

"Hey, did anyone see what was written on the side of the plane?" Ed asked the others. "And WHY DO WE NEED A HOT TUB, ENVY? DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I'M JUST A STUDENT NOW?"

Envy shrugged, already in the hot tub. "I wanted to know what it was! It's awesome!" He stuck his tongue out at the others. "But only girls are allowed in it!"

"Then get out of it!" Ed yelled. Russell kicked him. Ed was about to say something, but the plane started moving and since he wasn't in his seat, and was just kicked, he fell over.

"DORA, NO!" Wrath and Fletcher yelled in unison. They were watching "educational" television. (Aztec Goddess: I don't claim ownership of Dora the Explorer.)

"Is my monkey friend Boots hiding under that angry cow?" Dora asked the viewers. She walked up to an angry cow.

"Boots is up that tree!" Wrath and Fletcher cried. "Don't go near the cow, Dora!"

Dora flipped the cow over. "_Cow _is _vaca_ in Sp-" She couldn't finish. The angry cow flipped itself back up and kicked the crap out of Dora. Wrath and Fletcher could only stare at the TV screen in horror.

"So much for educational shows in Spanglish," Russell commented. (Aztec Goddess: Yep, I spelled that right.) "Change the channel, Ed."

"Yeah, and when I have my back turned, you and Envy are gonna start doing stuff," Ed retorted as he picked himself off the floor for the millionth time in my fanfics.

Naturally, that statement gave Russell some naughty ideas. "Whadaya say, Envy? Can I join you in the hot tub?" Envy shook his head, submerged himself in the water, then came back up and, well, just use your imagination. "You tease."

Ed felt sick again. To get his mind off things, mainly Envy's female body, he asked, "So, does anyone know _where _in Mexico we're going?"

"Yahualica," Russell replied with a fairly good accent. "There are dozens of corrals there. We should be able to find one that will let us stay there for free as long as we do some work."

"And what if we can't find one?"

Envy and Russell exchanged glances, then shrugged in response.

_Yahualica, Mexico . . ._

I'm giving the characters a break, so, yes; they did find a corral they could work at. The owners are a young couple named Petra and Cheseto.

Everyone except Ed knew how to introduce themselves properly. Envy explained to Petra and Cheseto their situation, and the couple gladly gave them two bedrooms in their house to share and a crap load of work. The five peoples were led to the corral and given instructions.

Ed was just mindlessly looking around in the meantime. _Damn, so many animals,_ Ed thought. _I wonder if I can name any in Spanish . . . Burro! Yay! And, um, chickens are pollos! And peacocks . . . hee-hee. PEA COCKS! I bet that's taken literally in Spanish!_

"Lalo!" Petra was saying. "LAH-LOH!"

"What's she saying?" Ed whispered to Envy. It looked like Petra was looking at Ed.

"That's what _Ed_s are called in Spanish," Envy replied. Then he went off to the chicken coop to feed the, well, chickens. Wrath and Fletcher were washing the piggies, Russell was feeding the cows and donkeys, Cheseto was inside, I guess, so Ed was left with alone with an angry Petra.

"Pavo real!" Petra kept on repeating to Ed.

Ed held a finger up. "Wait, I know this! Real means real and pavo means . . . turkey! You want a real turkey!"

Petra raised an eyebrow at Ed, then pointed to the peacock roaming around the back yard. Then she gave a bucket full of water and a rag to Ed and said, "Lávalo." Then she went back inside her house.

"Okay . . . that's either another way to say my name," Ed said to himself. He looked at the stuff Petra gave him. "But she probably wants me to wash the peacock . . . or myself. GAH! Why is Spanish so confusing? Well, I'm not taking a bath out here, so I'll wash the peacock."

Ed walked up to the peacock and the peacock gave him the evil eye. It knew this meant war. Ed didn't think much of this bird, so he tactlessly came up to it with a wet rag. He was sent flying seconds later. The peacock let out a battle cry and charged at the fallen Ed. "Why do I always get the hard stuff?" Ed whined.

Then Ed remembered something. He clapped his hands, touched the ground, and formed a cage around the peacock. "You stupid bird!" Ed laughed as he stood above the bird and poured the bucket of water all over it. But the bird looked happy. In fact, it was laughing at Ed as it rolled around in the dirt and got a hell of a lot dirtier. "Crap! Stop that!"

Ed jumped into the cage he made and tried cleaning the peacock off with the rag. It was a long, painful battle, but Ed managed to make the bird look no dirtier that how it was in the first place. It was very late and everyone was already inside the house, so Ed decided to call it a day.

Wrath met Ed in the main hallway. "Um, why are you bleeding?" he asked.

"Peacocks suck," Ed replied. "So, do I get a bed or something?"

Wrath walked Ed to their room. "Well, it depends. Envy gets his own room since he's a girl right now, so the rest of us have to share the other guest room and there are only two beds."

"We share with Fletcher and _Russell_?" Ed asked, sounding a little disgusted.

They opened the door to the guest room and it was, well, pretty plain. Who'd spend time making a guest room look nice anyway? Fletcher and Russell sat on one of the beds, talking to each other. Wrath jumped onto the other bed. "Am I sharing a bed with Mommy?" Wrath asked cutely.

"Why does he call you that?" Russell asked Ed.

"I guess he thinks it's cute," Ed replied. He said to Wrath, "Okay, but don't get used to it."

_The next day . . ._

Ed gave in to the inevitable. He had his first Spanish lessons from Envy that day. They were alone in Envy's room.

"First of all," Envy said, sounding all professionally, "you must know how to pronounce all the letters. Recite the Spanish alphabet."

Ed sounded horrible: "Ahh, beh, seh, deh-"

"You've already messed up!"

Ed thought Envy was just being an ass. "Quit lying for once! Just teach me Spanish already!"

"You forgot the letter _che_," Envy explained. Ed was confused, so Envy elaborated, "_Che _comes after _seh_. There are four extra letters in Spanish: _che_, _ll_, _ñ_, and _rr_."

Ed was as amazed as a little kid seeing aluminum foil for the first time. "Wow! How'd you roll your R's like that?"

Envy lowered his eyelids at Ed. "Are you saying you can't do it?" Ed nodded. Envy sighed and demonstrated how to roll R's several times before Ed had the courage to try it himself.

So, Ed did what he was told: he put his tongue on the roof of his mouth, and blew. No noise came out. Envy slapped his forehead. "It's not like whistling, idiot!" he yelled. He demonstrated again: "Rrrr!"

"Nnnn!" Ed tried to copy.

"Not _nnnn_, rrrr!"

"Nnnn?"

God only knows how long Wrath was in the room, but he started laughing his ass off. "You guys look so funny!" Wrath laughed. "Ed, you're sad. Anyway, Petrrrra said that we're going to town right now to do some trading and stuff."

"You're hopeless," Envy said to Ed. Then he left the room with Wrath.

"Nnnn . . ." Ed said to himself, not even trying to roll his R's. "I'll just avoid using words with that kind of R," he decided. He went to town with all the other peoples, but then went off on his own because he also decided that the best way to learn Spanish is on his own.

He spent all day at a bar. After listening to several peoples' conversations, he concluded that about every word with the _che_ sound in it was a bad word. So he learned to listen to every other word. It got pretty boring, so Ed asked for a beer. In fact, Ed didn't eat or drink anything but beer that day. And he didn't realize it was beer until he felt dizzy and found himself giggling at every bad word the people were saying.

The bartender asked Ed to pay up, and Ed told him to put it on his tab. Then he realized something. "Entiendo! Entiendo!" Ed hugged the bartender then ran out of the bar for dear life. He pranced around the street saying, "Nomás necesitaba la cerveza! Y ya puedo hablar español!" Everyone clapped and cheered for him.

**Translation: "I understand! I understand!" "All I needed was the beer! And now I can speak Spanish!"**

Ed ran into Envy on his way back to the corral. "Guess what!" he said. "I figured out the secret behind speaking Spanish!"

Envy, of course, didn't believe Ed. "What secret? Lemme hear you speak Spanish."

There was a slight problem: Ed was already sobering up. He replied, "Ay ya! Soy muy caliente!"

**Translation: "Oh, enough! I am so horny!"**

Envy scratched his head and gave Ed an odd look. "Well, as long as you know what you said."

Aztec Goddess: After a lot of hard work, it seems like Ed is on the road to learning Spanish! Yay! Good for him! Let us celebrate!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Don't worry about that bad review. Everyone has a different sense of humor, so you can't make everyone happy. Plus, man, that person wrote a LOT. To me, it seems like that person just felt like bitching to someone, and that unlucky person was you.

To **nadisrad**: Thanks for commenting on my fanart, but you should write in my blog since I'm practically abandoning my xanga. I'm practicing on drawing Envy right now. I want him to come out perfect 'cause the first time I drew him, I was like: WTF? Who the hell is that?

To **Lil-Kudo**: Oh. I don't know much about Inuyasha. And, y'know, I didn't realize how wrong the whole wini thing sounded until probably late elementary school. I'm used to hearing it being used all casually and stuff. But then George Lopez once said, "Get the winis! The ones that get big when they're hot!"

To **Everto Angelus**: Your beautiful speech cheered Ed right up! Now he has hopes that in the future, I won't torment him as much for being the target of so many perverts! But poor Ed still has to deal with so much more in other fics . . .

To **nonesofar**: Well, you would have to drink a crap load of milk for that to happen. Plus, that'll give the chubby people the right to say, "I'm not fat, I'm just big boned!" See? Milk is your friend, no matter how you see it! And the sugar is in my stomach. It's been proven that sugar doesn't cause hyperactivity at all.

To **Iwin Ulose**: I'm still deciding in the next fic . . . My mind's blank right now. Wow, it's 10:20pm right now. I took waaaaaaay toooooo long to write this chapter. Sorry!

To **notshorty329**: So . . . what do you think of the rest of this story. Sorry, but I think the first chapter is misleading because it's probably the craziest.

To **Kierrn Saro**: YAY! Wow, when I started fanfiction, I never thought that I would be good at humor, but it looks like my stories are successful. Thanks for reading!

To **Kagome Tendo**: Hm, I forgot if what Roy did to Ed was intentional . . . (thinks very hard) I guess I never decided on that. Anyway, Roy does so much to Ed in this story; I'm almost feeling bad for him. . . . No, not quite.


	16. Grapes: Nature's Wish Makers

Aztec Goddess: Well, I've got nothing on my mind, so I'll just start the chapter now.

Grapes, Nature's Wish Makers

After only a couple of days, Al was skilled enough to give people manicures in his sleep. Well, he had no choice since he always fell asleep when a customer would tell him their life story. It was always the same thing when a student came in: they'd talk about how confusing the whole Envy and Ed thing was. Al never bothered correcting their confusion. So as far as all the other students knew, there were two Eds and two Envys – a male and a female of each.

Al came home from another hard day of napping and that's when he realized that Winry's still around. She was snooping around Ed's room looking for nothing in particular. But she was very focused on finding nothing considering that she literally turned Ed's room inside-out.

"What are you doing, Winry?" Al asked as he casually started putting stuff like furniture in their rightful place.

"This is a common thing everyone does when they have some catching up to do with old friends," Winry replied as she flipped Ed's bed to its side and examined every inch of it.

"You're a bit late for that," Al said. "Most of our stuff was destroyed by, um, some accident concerning fairies and non-alchemic related magic."

Winry gasped. "_Magic_? That makes you a traitor! How could you, Al?" She took out some drawers from Ed's nightstand. A little piece of paper flew out and it landed face-up between Winry and Al. They gawked at it, completely dumbstruck.

"Um . . . maybe it's not what it looks like!" Al said in a scared voice, trying as best he could to believe what he just said.

Winry fell to her knees. "I can't believe it. Ed's a _pervert_! It's not well drawn, but there's no doubt about what it is!" She covered her eyes dramatically. "Throw it away! I don't wanna see it again!"

"But if we do that, Ed'll know that we've been going through his stuff!" Al stared at the paper in confusion now. "How did this end up here in the first place? . . . Let's just put it back and think nothing about it."

"_Nothing about it_?" Winry repeated like a drama queen. "Ed drew a picture of Envy – without his skort!" She began to cry. "Why can't I have any normal friends?"

"Hey!" Al was offended. "You shouldn't have snooped around my brother's stuff in the first place! Plus, the drawing looks unfinished, so stop getting the wrong idea!"

Winry curled up into a ball in the corner. "Quit denying what that drawing means!" She rocked herself back and forth trying to calm herself down.

Al sighed, picked up the crappy drawing of Envy, and put it back where it fell out. "I'm sure it's just a memento." Then he asked Winry, "Got anything else planned for today?"

Winry's face brightened as she remembered the events to come in a matter of hours. "Let's go see what Hughes and his family are gonna do!"

_Somewhere in Yahualica . . ._

Scar and Abel were running around town frantically, trying to get away from the gang of girls that dragged them out of school that one day when Scar wanted to kill Ed. These Ishbalian brothers have done a lot of traveling – Paris, California, Ontario, and other random places – but they could never get away from their little fan club.

"So . . . tired," Abel panted. "Can't even . . . run right . . ."

"Now you're the one complaining!" Scar replied. "Oh, crap," he said as he almost ran into a wall. The brothers had run into a dead end.

"Yay, we win again!" the leader of the girls cheered. "Let's get 'em, girls!"

"What else could you want from us?" Abel cried.

"The usual," another girl replied.

"We _love_ foreigners!" all the girls squealed in unison.

It really sucks when you're outnumbered in a situation like this. Lucky for the Ishbalians, Ed and Wrath came by carrying crates of grapes. They stopped to see what was going on. Abel called out to them, "Hey! Guy my brother wants to kill! Help us!"

The girls turned to face Ed and Wrath and gave them the evil eye. "You better not interfere with love!" The girls told them.

"Okay," Ed replied, then started walking to his destination again.

Wrath put his crate down and tugged at Ed. "But we've gotta help them! Those girls are bullying them! Look at all the bruises they have!"

"Um, yeah, _bruises_," Scar said as he fixed up his jacket collar.

Ed sighed. He could never say no to Wrath. "Fine. Hey, girls!" He called to the girls. "You're the Foreign Lovers Club from school, right?" The girls nodded. "Well, guess what? You're all in a foreign country right now!"

The girls gasped in glee. "Oh, my god! He's so totally right!" the leader said. "We could like get a different guy for each of us here! Onward, girls!" So the girls left Scar and Abel to pursue new options.

"Wow, and people say _you're_ a slut," Abel commented to Ed.

"WHAT?" Ed screamed. His crate would have hit the floor, but Wrath came to its rescue.

"Oh, don't worry about it!" Abel comforted Ed. "They say the _female_ Ed is a slut, so as long as you don't wear a skirt anymore, no one will ever realize that you're the same person!"

Wrath looked as pissed off as Ed. "Don't call Mommy a slut!"

"Mommy?" Scar repeated, looking amused.

"Don't ask," Ed retorted as he and Wrath grabbed their respective crates and walked away.

"I feel like I'm forgetting something . . ." Scar mused. He thought for a while. "Oh. Damn it! Now I'm indebted to Ed!"

"That's a good thing!" Abel replied. "Now you don't have to worry about killing him and focus on the important stuff like how we ended up here and how the hell we're gonna get back home!" Abel had a good point there.

_In the evening, at the corral . . ._

Russell had just finished his last chores: feeding and grooming the peacock. That bird seems to be super nice to everyone except for Ed. Well, maybe that's because Ed's always the one that ends up giving it a bath. Russell leaned on one of the gates and petted the peacock, waiting for a certain someone.

That certain someone came out of the house moments later wearing a traditional Mexican dress (those long, colorful ones). "The New Years festival is tonight!" Envy said as he walked up to Russell. "Is that what you wanted to talk about, nene?"

". . . Six weeks," Russell replied.

"Hm?"

"It's been six weeks. Didn't you know that?"

"Oh! Of course I know! Wow, that's pretty long considering we're in high school." _ What? Is he expecting a six-week anniversary?_ Envy thought.

Russell looked kinda embarrassed but really serious while saying this: ". . . Don't you think we're going too _slowly_?"

_Well, now looks like a good time to end this!_ Envy thought. "What are you talking about?" he asked Russell, sounding devastated. "Are you saying that all this time you've just wanted to get in my pants?" _Hm, when was the last time I wore pants?_

"I've never even gotten in your mouth!" Russell sounded just as devastated, but he wasn't faking it.

"So is that what you wanted to tell me all this time? You're horrible, Russell! Relationships should be built on tru-ust!" Envy's voice cracked. He made it sound like he was about to cry rather than trying not to laugh. Envy stormed back inside the house before hearing Russell's response, but he was pretty sure it was over between them.

Envy went to his room, stood in front of a full-sized mirror, and sighed. "Finally! Now I can turn back to my most beautiful form!" So Envy turned back to his popular male form with the sports bra and manly skort. "I miss you!" Envy cried as he hugged the mirror.

Wrath entered the room. "Yay! You're back to normal!" He gave Envy and the mirror a hug. "So anyway, when does the festival start? What do I wear?"

"It'll start in less that an hour and you can wear whatever you want. But I don't want to hear you complaining on how cold it's going to be outside."

Wrath nodded. Then he went back to the room he sleeps in, and jumped onto his and Ed's bed to wake up the poor sleeping Ed. Ed always had the most work around the house. "Wake up! You know how close to midnight it is?"

Ed lazily sat up. "I dunno. What does the clock say?"

Wrath stared at the clock on the wall for a long time. "It looks like this!" Wrath outstretched his arms as far away as possible.

"Nine fifteen?"

"Um, sure. How close is that to midnight?"

Ed was too tired to roll his eyes so he just plopped back down onto his pillow. "You should take a nap, too. You'll never stay up 'till midnight."

"Yes I will!" Wrath protested. "Plus, I wanna go to the festival! It's gonna start soon!" He started jumping up and down on the bed. Eventually, Ed fell off and became completely awake.

"Okay, we'll go! Damn you and your cuteness!"

_About an hour later . . ._

"Churros! Pan dulce! Sugar canes!" Wrath was dragging Ed all around downtown to every food cart in sight. It would have been pretty dark at ten o'clock at night if fireworks weren't constantly going off. Everything looked discolored due to the fireworks. Drunks danced harmoniously on the streets. Mariachis were everywhere. The only thing that set this night apart from all the other nights in Yahualica was that everyone had grapes. Well, except for Ed and Wrath. They didn't really understand the point in that.

There were tons of game booths all over the place too, but I'm just describing everyday Yahualica again. Seriously, there are festivals every night over there. But holiday festivals are naturally more extravagant.

Wrath played the shooting the duck game, hit all the targets, and won a stuffed bunny on his first try. Ed came to the conclusion that the game was simple, so he gave it a couple of tries. He found out how much he sucked, but lost twenty bucks before that realization. On his last try, Ed threw the gun at one of the ducks. It hit the target, but the duck remained standing.

"That thing's rigged!" Ed swore as he and Wrath walked away from the booth to check other stuff out. "It's because I can't speak Spanish! I bet that guy was talking shit about me! Man, how'd I understand Spanish a couple days ago?"

"I remember Envy dragged you home one day and you were speaking nonsense in Spanish," Wrath replied. "He said you were a little drunk."

"Aha! Beer! I remember now . . . kinda!" Ed declared. "Is it okay with you if I get a little drunk right now?"

Wrath gasped. "That'll make you a bad influence! And if you really wanna learn Spanish, why didn't you ask me to help? I'm pretty fluent, you know!"

Ed thought for a while. "Oh, yeah! You were in my class! But if your idea doesn't work, I'm getting a drink, okay?"

Wrath nodded. He led Ed around again, and this time pointing stuff out and saying the Spanish word for it. He taught Ed the basics like table is mesa, games are juegos, drunks are borrachos, and so on and so forth.

It was about ten minutes until midnight when Wrath got too tired to walk around anymore. Ed gave him a piggy back ride to where all the people were gathering at. It was an open field that gave everyone the best views of the fireworks. Most people were lying down on towels with plates of grapes in hand. But they weren't eating any.

"Hey! Over here!" Ed heard Envy call to him. Envy, Russell, and Fletcher were sitting on a towel, and they had grapes, too. Well, Russell wasn't really sitting since he was on all fours begging Envy to change back into a girl and take him back. Fletcher had all his attention focused on his twelve grapes placed perfectly on a small glass dish. He was trying his hardest not to eat them. They were each wearing cozy looking ponchos, which is freaking smart because Ed just realized that it's freaking cold!

"I'm sorry, Envy! Forgive me!" Russell cried. "I promise to be a better boyfriend!"

"Forget it! You've hurt me enough already!" Envy replied dramatically.

Ed rolled his eyes then sat Wrath and himself down next to Envy. "So, what's with the grapes?" Ed asked.

"Ah! Don't say _grapes_!" Fletcher cried. "They're so tempting! I can't stand it!"

"It's your own fault," Envy replied. "You could have eaten some earlier, but now you have to wait!"

"Envy . . ." Russell started.

Envy was getting really annoyed by Russell. "Listen, if you can accept me as a male, then I'll give you a second chance."

Well, that shut Russell up. "Um . . . let's sit somewhere else, Fletcher. Sitting next to Envy is confusing me." And so the Tringham brothers left.

". . . So, what's with the grapes?" Ed repeated himself.

"That reminds me . . ." Envy handed Ed and Wrath each twelve grapes on a small glass dish. "They're courtesy of Petra and Cheseto. You eat twelve grapes for the last twelve seconds before New Years and make a wish for each one. That's tradition here in Mexico."

"Oh, I see. But why grapes?"

"Because grapes make wine!" Envy pulled out a bottle of wine from nowhere. "This is the first thing you drink on New Years! It's another tradition!"

Dozens of fireworks shot up at once and made a lot more noise than usual. This startled Wrath since he was almost falling asleep. He looked around in confusion. "What was that?" he asked, sleepily.

"That means that there's one minute left until midnight," Envy explained. "They tell time by using fireworks 'cause it's not like there's a huge clock around here. There's gonna be more like that, then the finale."

"Oh," Wrath yawned.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to stay up," Ed said to Wrath.

"But I need to now!" Wrath pouted. "There's only one minute left and I need to make my wishes!" He held his stuffed bunny close with his free hand and shivered. "I'm . . ."

"You're _what_?" Envy questioned, sounding a bit threatening.

"Nothing! It's just . . ." Wrath didn't need to finish. Envy sighed and handed his poncho to Wrath, which he used as a blanket.

The really loud fireworks started again, signaling the twelve-second countdown. Everyone ate their grapes and made their wishes. All of Ed's and Envy's wishes were something along the lines of finding the philosopher's stone. But Wrath had something completely different in mind.

"FELIZ AÑO NUEVO!" everyone cheered. (Aztec Goddess: Hopefully, I don't need to translate that.)

Then the finale started. It was ten minutes of continuous blinding lights that made pretty flowery designs in the sky. In the middle of the show, Ed grabbed the bottle of wine from Envy and yelled over the fireworks, "I've waited long enough! I wanna be fluent at Spanish again!"

"Hey, give it back!" Envy yelled back as he made a dive for the wine. "You probably don't know how to open it!"

"How hard could it be?" Ed grabbed the cork with his automail arm.

"If you pull too hard, you'll-" Well, it's obvious what happened next. Of course Ed pulled too hard, and he and Envy were covered in fizz in an instant. Wrath was at a safe distance, so he just enjoyed the extra little show. Envy took away the bottle. "You shouldn't even be drinking! You're a minor, and you're short, too!"

"MY SHORTNESS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DRINKING!"

"Ha! You admit you're short!"

". . . Damn."

"Anyway, short people get drunk a lot faster." Envy took a sip from the bottle. "I'm sure you'll get tipsy with just the fizz on your face!"

"C'mon! Just a sip!" Ed whined.

Envy stared at the bottle as if it was his prized possession. "Ask me later when I start acting drunk." The fireworks started dying down. "I shouldn't even be giving you a chance. You're just a nene, after all."

That last comment made Wrath smile. Feeling extremely tired, he rested his head on Ed's lap. "Do you guys know what I used all my wishes for?"

"Your own bed?" Ed guessed.

"Lingerie?" Envy guessed as he took another sip of wine.

"Hey, does that mean you're drunk already?" Ed asked hopefully. Envy shook his head.

"You guys are way off!" Wrath replied. "I wished for . . ." Wrath yawned. "For you two to get along. You guys are more fun that way!" With that said, Wrath fell asleep.

Aztec Goddess: So are Ed and Envy finally gonna get along for sure? Um I dunno. I guess I'll find out with the rest of you readers!

To **Everto Angelus**: Yeah, I gave Ed a break. Hopefully, he'll be able to pass Spanish class without having to get drunk at school . . .

To **urbanfae** (ch 15): Hey, I used to say JELLO, too! But that was just because all my cousins said it and it sounded right . . . anyway, now I'm beginning to wonder if drinks can really allow you to speak Spanish . . .

To **urbanfae** (ch 1): As long as the typos are fixed. I put in _corals_ instead of _corrals_ in my first submission of chapter fifteen! So you're Castilian? I can't speak like them without sounding retarded.

To **Iwin Ulose**: Yeah, I guess I could have added that, but how could the ticket person have known that Ed _wasn't_ one of the children? Heh, the beer hat thing sounds like a good idea, too! Does that exist in their world? Oh, and I'm feeling much better now.

To **Lil-Kudo**: I'll try to go back to updating every other day again. I'll try not to get sick again or worse, develop _writer's block_! (scary music in the background)

To **nadisrad**: Yeah, I don't trust Dora either. It's scary when she just looks at you for an entire minute when you're supposed to respond to her questions. That idiot always acts like I really did answer her! It's creepy.

To **Lolafreak**: In one of the earlier chapters, it says that Hughes stapled pictures of his daughter all over Roy's office, as well as draw flowers and a big _Roy x Ed_ on his desk. What else could he have done? Let's see what Hughes has to say. Hughes: Well, when I got my car back, I crashed it into one of the walls of Roy's office. I think I also left some half-eaten food and dirty laundry all over the place. And . . . I think that's it!

To **nonesofar**: Of course I gave it back! It's the soda that's taking over your mind! You'll see the truth when the epic battle of Milk versus Soda begins!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Ed appreciates the beer you bought for him. Ed: Gracias! Oh, I said _thank you_ in Spanish! Skills! (does the Mexican hat dance)


	17. Closer to the Truth

Aztec Goddess: You know what I've been wondering for the longest time? How is it that homunculi have belly buttons? Heh-heh. _Belly button_ sounds funny! Anyway, I don't claim ownership of Oprah, bonbons, or Nike.

Closer to the Truth

Al was getting sick and tired of his job, so he went back to looking through the newspaper at home. "What kind of job do you think I'll be good at, Winry?" he asked.

Winry was watching Oprah on TV while eating bonbons. "I dunno, Al. It's been a while since _I_ worked!"

Al flipped through the ads. "But what do see me working as? Someone who takes care of pets? A dentist? Pharmacist?"

"Don't you need licenses for stuff like that?"

"Oh, that's right . . ." Al turned the page and gasped. "Hey, I think I found the perfect job for me! I'm gonna be a shoe salesman!"

"That's wonderful, Al!" Winry cheered.

"Yeah, listen to this!" Al read the ad. "Local shoe store seeks shoe salesman. No experience required. No work required. Just show up and you'll get paid for all your effort!"

"Then go for it!"

Al left the apartment right away to pursue his new career.

_A couple days later, on the George Lopez plane . . ._

It was the last day of Winter break. Wrath and Fletcher were harmoniously watching TV on the plane again. Russell was, I dunno, reading. And Ed and Envy seemed to be getting along quite well. In fact, they were apologizing to each other for all the stuff they've done.

"Um, sorry for staring at you so much when you were a female," Ed said awkwardly.

"It's alright. I would have been worried about you if you didn't," Envy replied. "Oh, and sorry for being an ass towards you for so long . . . and speaking about assess . . . stay away from Jean Havoc. Don't ask."

"Um . . . okay. Anyway, I think I know who has the philosopher's stone!" Ed said triumphantly.

"Our principal, right?" Envy replied.

Ed lost his enthusiasm. "How'd you figure that out?"

"Well, he's the one who's been adding countries from the _other side_ to this world," Envy replied casually.

Ed was shocked. "Really? That's crazy! I didn't know the philosopher's stone could be _that_ powerful!"

"What confuses me the most is that not many people seem to notice that. People like _you_!"

Ed twiddled his thumbs in embarrassment. "I was _suspecting_ something like that, but then I thought I just plain sucked in geography."

"DORA!" Wrath and Fletcher cried again. "Why must you be so retarded?"

"I can't seem to find the train!" Dora stated like a retard.

"Let's walk on the train tracks!" Boots said. "We'll find it that way!"

Wrath and Fletcher didn't have time to turn away. It all happened too fast. The train came, and left behind only half of Dora and Boots. It was pretty damn gory for a little kid's show. The poor little boys screamed their heads off. Fletcher jumped onto Russell and Wrath jumped onto Ed.

"Why did we even leave the TV on that channel?" Russell asked as he tried to calm down his hysteric brother by petting him.

"Fletcher and I wanted to be brave!" Wrath cried.

Ed cradled Wrath like a baby. "It's okay, Wrath. You're just a little kid."

"Yeah, only you're cuteness matters!" Envy added.

"Aw! I love you guys!" Wrath gave both Ed and Envy a big hug.

Russell ruined the moment by saying, "Fletcher, Wrath. You two should get back to your seats."

_Back at Kelly High, at the end of the day . . ._

So many guys were disappointed to see the male Ed back in school. It's like whenever he's around, the female Ed disappears. They just couldn't quite figure that part out . . .

"You're gonna see the principal again?" Envy asked Ed as he headed out the door of seventh period.

Ed hastily caught up to him. "Of course! There's no doubt that he has the stone, right?"

"Yeah, I guess . . . I'll be expecting it soon then."

Ed nodded. They went different directions. But when Ed entered the principal's office, no one was there. "Hey, what the hell? Principal's can't leave early!" Then Ed shrugged, and decided to take advantage of the moment. First, he looked through the letters on the principal's desk. Ed groaned. "They're all just fan letters."

Ed quietly opened one of the drawers. He found a diary inside, so naturally, he began to read it:

_Okay, how do I start one of these things? Wow, I just did. Man, why do I get the feeling that somebody drugged me? One second, I was on my way to Tijuana, and the next thing I knew, I'm here in some place called Central, I think. And people here take alchemy so seriously, it's crazy! I don't know how some people can't use it here; I figured it all out really fast. And let's see . . . what else is worth mentioning? I'm the principal of this one retarded school. And . . . Oh, yeah! I missed my world, so I duplicated some countries and added them here. And it's all thanks to this kick-ass thing I found. Man, it's so awesome; I don't know how to explain it! It's like something all powerful and stuff and it makes ANYTHING possible! Don't know what it's called, so I named it Paco._

"Paco?" Ed repeated to himself. "Whatever. That's definitely the philosopher's stone –"

Before Ed could finish his sentence, the door swung open. Ed had his back to the door, and found himself completely immobilized. Then he felt something wet like water hit the back of his neck. "S-sloth?" Ed managed to spit out as the water found its way to his mouth. The water immediately receded.

"Oh, it's just you," Sloth replied. "Wait, what are you doing here?"

Ed was practically having a heart attack, so he couldn't respond right away. ". . . I was just . . . cleaning?"

"Oh, okay then. But you should work on not talking to yourself so loudly. We wouldn't want other people to get interested in the philosopher's stone, right?"

"So you know . . ."

"It is undetermined whether or not George Lopez has the philosopher's stone, but the odds seem to tilt to that side."

"When can I see him again to make sure we're right?"

Sloth shrugged. "He's always taking personal days. I don't know when we'll see him again."

"Oh, that sucks . . . So can I go back to cleaning?"

Sloth gave Ed a questionable look. "You think I'm stupid or something? But if you insist: I want all the rooms in this hallway spotless before you leave campus." With that said, she left the room.

"Damn." Ed cursed. Then he went back to searching through the drawers. But nothing else looked suspicious, so he commenced to do some real cleaning.

_A month later (that makes this February), in the apartment . . ._

Winry seemed to be attached to the couch. She has become obsessed with TV and was trying to rub off her bad habits onto Wrath.

"I don't want to watch Oprah!" Wrath cried as Winry had him restrained to the couch by using a lot of rope. "It's so boring! Mommy, Daddy, help me!"

"Winry, stop whatever the hell you're doing," Ed said, not really paying attention to what was going on. He and Envy were on the floor working on their miniature versions of stages. Ed's was turning out pretty sad. He was using a shoebox and all he had in it were rocks (people), confetti (fireworks), and grass (grass). And let's not get into his background coloring.

Envy was also using a shoebox, but he painted it so it wouldn't look cheap. His fireworks were painted all beautifully in the background. His people and buildings were made out of clay, and they were well detailed. All he had to do was fix up the lighting (a bunch of wires, mini colored light bulbs, and one of those fat rectangular batteries).

"Why isn't anyone helping me?" Wrath whined.

"Shut up and watch TV, cutie!" Winry ordered. "It's good for you!"

"We'll pay attention to you later, Wrath," Envy replied. He twirled a wire around a mini light bulb, and got shocked by it. "Shit! How the hell do you do this?"

"What are you trying to do anyway?" Ed asked. Then he took a good look at Envy's shoebox. "Hey, you're done already! Quit wasting your time and help me with mine!"

"No! You shouldn't have waited 'til the last day to work on it!"

Ed stood up from the floor. "I've been working really hard on this all week!" he yelled.

Envy looked at Ed's shoebox and almost laughed. "You can't be serious."

Wrath looked sad. "They're back to hating each other," he mumbled.

Winry patted Wrath's head. "No, it's alright. That's just a normal fight." They watched in awe as Ed pounced on Envy and started pulling his hair. Envy did the same and added some nails to the face. ". . . Okay, that's not normal for two _guys_."

Then Al came home. He swung and shut the door as loudly as possible and sounded really annoyed. "A fat woman came to the store today."

Envy and Ed ended their cat fight to listen to Al's wondrous story. Al almost always came home with a new story about a fat woman coming to the shoe store.

"She asked for a size six," Al continued. "So I asked her what kind of style her kid likes. And she got really offended for some reason. Before I knew it, I was trying to get some size six pumps on her feet. And I swear, if I didn't have this armor body, I would have died today! That freakin' shoe exploded on me!"

"Wow, Al," Ed commented. "Being a shoe salesman sounds dangerous!"

"You don't even know the half of it," Al sighed. "_No work required_ my ass." He lazily walked to his room.

Envy fiddled with his wires some more. ". . . Aha! Success!" He got the light bulbs to go on and off in a pretty pattern. "Now I must go nurture Wrath!" Envy untied Wrath from the sofa and took him out for a walk.

"It's not fair," Ed pouted. "It was my turn to take Wrath out for a walk!"

"Wow, you sound so motherly right now, Ed," Winry commented.

"Hey, I am a _great_ mother! . . . Wait, what the hell am I saying?" Ed didn't want to waste any time pondering his confusion. "Whatever. I need to finish this." He went back to working on his shoebox.

"Can't you just use alchemy to fix up your box thingy?" Winry asked.

"That's not fair to the people who have to do everything themselves. But look at Envy's! How the hell did he do it?"

"How 'bout you jack Envy's then?"

"He'll probably murder me."

"Oh, that sucks. But, y'know, he's been a lot nicer to you lately." Winry gave Ed a suspicious look. "What did you do to him?"

Ed mimicked Winry's look. "What do you think I did?"

Winry gasped. "Oh, my God! No, you, didn't! But, wait; he's a homunculi. Wouldn't it just grow back?"

"The truth is I didn't do anything. . . I guess it's what Wrath said . . ." Then Ed gave Winry a disturbed look. "Wait, what were you thinking?" Lucky for Ed, Winry couldn't bring herself to telling him.

_The next day, in seventh period . . ._

Ed, Envy, and all the other students in seventh period Theater stood in a line with their mini stages, waiting to present them to Hoganson. It was soon Ed's turn. Envy had just finished receiving his A.

"Would you like want another day to finish this?" Hoganson asked Ed.

"Why would you say that? I stayed up all night to finish this!" Ed replied. But the thing is that all the extra hours he put into his project didn't really change it much.

"For one thing, I don't know any country with the word Nike all over it," the teacher replied. "And why is it so . . . rocky?"

"Those are people!"

"Please turn in your _completed_ project tomorrow."

Envy pointed and laughed at Ed for a while. When he finished he said, "Okay, I'll help you on your project today. But you better get more information on the philosopher's stone right away."

"Yeah, I know. I'll go see if the principal is here today."

So when school ended, Ed marched back to the principal's office. And lo and behold, he found George Lopez doing paperwork there! "Hey, principal!" Ed said. "I'm not leaving until you tell me where you have the philosopher's stone!" George did not respond. "Hey, don't ignore me!"

George looked up from his paperwork. "Oh, didn't see you there. You lost?"

Ed's eyebrow twitched. _Was he saying something about my height?_ "No, I'm just here to ask for the philosopher's stone."

George ignored what Ed said. "Man, you look just like this one annoying girl I had to talk to one day."

"Did you even hear me? I – want – the – philosopher's – stone!"

"Yeah, I heard you the first time. One question though: what the hell is that?"

"It's the thing that can do ANYTHING!"

"Oooohhh! . . . Why would I give you something like that?"

"Um, because I asked nicely for it?"

George considered this for a while. Ed had just made a very good point. "Tell you what: I'll let you borrow it once you graduate, okay?"

"But I don't wanna wait that long!" Ed whined.

"Too bad then. I can't just let some retard borrow something this powerful. You need to have at least a high school education."

Well, that only seemed fair, so Ed gave in. "Fine, see you on the last day of school."

"Why so confident? I've noticed that all the new students are dropping out like crazy this year."

Ed didn't really have a response for this. "Um, 'cause I'm cool like that?"

Aztec Goddess: So, is Ed truly _cool like that_? What are the odds of him surviving another expulsion chapter? Cookies will be rewarded to anyone who knows where I got the Al being a shoe salesman idea. Anyway, I dunno when I'll update next. Just got the full FMA season on DVD. Wanna see it a couple of times, so, yeah.

To **Lil-Kudo**: It's hard to get cured from writer's block. But how is it prevented? Is there a type of antibiotic or something? That'll be awesome.

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: I know, Wrath is too cute to be real! Wait, he isn't, Damn. I dunno when it happened, but I suddenly started liking Wrath and I love treating him like a baby!

To **nadisrad**: If you look at the pic Ed drew of Envy in the anime, you'll see that he really isn't wearing his skort. But then again, he doesn't even have a lower body. What I find odd is that Ed wasn't embarrassed to show his drawings to people. I mean, if he can draw perfect transmutation circles, why not Envy?

To **urbanfae**: I don't like speaking to most adults either since I speak really improper Spanish. It's not my fault! I learned it from my relatives in Mexico, and they're ranchers! Almost every other word we say is a syllable shorter than it should be. I can't break that habit!

To **Iwin Ulose**: There are still a couple more chapters to go. I still need to explain to No Stoopid Peoples Act, the philosopher's stone's whereabouts, and maybe some other stuff. Oh, like how Ed's been doing in his Spanish class!

To **nonesofar**: HA! You can try as hard as you can, but I'll always come back! I'm a goddess, after all! . . . And what are momos? Sounds tasty.

To **Paola**: Coin? Is her name Penny? Dime sounds like it could be a cool name. August fourth sounds familiar . . . Is that when we get out of summer school? Anyway, I'll answer your questions about this story at school.


	18. The Master Plan

Aztec Goddess: Sorry for the delay! I'll try to update again tomorrow if I'm fast enough. And has anyone heard of _Married with Children_? If not, then never mind.

The Master Plan

"What the hell is this?" Envy asked in disgust as he examined Ed's "mini theater." They were in Ed's apartment room. Winry was still glued to the couch because some idiot decided to run an all day Oprah marathon . . . on every single channel! The horror! Anyway, Wrath was bouncing happily on Ed's bed as Envy chucked Ed's project out the window. They heard a violent car crash outside.

"Envy! You could have killed someone!" Ed yelled.

Wrath ran to the window to see what happened. He started giggling. "Look! That dancing man is on fire!" Wrath laughed and clapped his hands in glee.

"That was probably just a coincidence," Envy replied. Then he grabbed an empty shoebox from the closet. "Anyway, we need to start on your project from scratch. . . Just use alchemy and get it over with, nene."

"But I don't like feeling like I've cheated!" Ed whined.

"Don't you think you have more important things to worry about?"

Ed thought for a while, but his mind was pretty much blank. "Um, I can't get the philosopher's stone until the end of the year," he explained. "I need to graduate first."

"I see . . . But seriously, have you forgotten about the Spanish exam tomorrow?"

Ed let out a girlish yelp. "No way! When'd the teacher mention that? Wait, what's the Spanish word for _exam_?"

"Examen."

"But then what's _parking lot_?"

"Estacionamiento."

"Damn," Ed murmured to himself. "I always get those two mixed up."

Envy covered his face with his hand. "Don't tell me you've been studying the school's parking lots."

Ed scratched his head in embarrassment. "Um, only the faculty's parking lot . . . There are sixty spaces. They're all six feet apart except for two which are about an inch off. Weeds grow between - AH!" Envy aimed the shoebox at Ed's face, which he narrowly dodged. It now laid on the floor al crumpled up.

"Fix up your Theater project so we can get started on Spanish," Envy demanded. "You can't expect to graduate if you fail that class."

So Ed clapped his hands and made a decent-looking mini theater out of the shoebox. "But I don't need to worry about Spanish anymore!" He declared triumphantly. He dived under his bed and pulled out a box full of beer. "See? I'm smart, aren't I?"

"But I got expelled just by having a hangover!" Wrath said. "You can't go to school drunk!"

"Y'know, you were violently attacking the chalkboards for squeaking that day," Envy added. "That probably has more to do with your expulsion."

"Oh, really?" Wrath asked, trying to remember that day.

"Yeah," Ed replied. "Anyway, you guys don't have to worry about me getting expelled! This plan is foolproof!" Ed pointed to the beer. "See? It's _Corona_, Mexican beer! That's to ensure that I'll speak Spanish when I'm drunk!" (Aztec Goddess: Don't own _Corona_. It only tastes good with salt and lemon!)

"But how's that gonna help with you not getting expelled?" Envy asked.

"It won't. . . But you can!"

" . . . Huh?"

"I'm planning on getting drunk right before third period. So I'll still have to make it all the way through seventh while drunk. But if you go along with everything I do, it won't look like I'm drunk, and I'll make it through the day! Heh, good thing tomorrow's Friday!"

Envy shrugged. "Okay. Sounds easy."

_The next day, the passing period before Spanish class . . ._

Ed and Envy raced to the nearest bathroom right after second period. They locked themselves in the handicap stall since it's so spacious and homey. Ed started chugging a beer bottle right away. Envy had to be there because, well, Ed was gonna drink a six pack in seven minutes. He could black out and stuff.

Unbeknownst to Ed and Envy, an unlucky guy came into that bathroom just to wash his hands. He got a lot of bad images instead due to listening to Ed and Envy's conversation.

"Go faster!" Envy was saying.

Ed had just finished his fifth bottle. He gasped for air and chocked a little since he tried to breath and drink at the same time. "I can't – wait! Damn, I'm getting wet." Ed fell on his ass due to drunkenness.

Envy sighed and opened the fifth bottle for Ed. "Open your mouth. I'll put it in for you." So Envy helped Ed chug the last bottle since Ed was already having trouble holding stuff. "Almost there . . ."

Ed came out of the bathroom stall panting and leaning on Envy for support. They casually walked out of the bathroom. That one unlucky guy was still there with a hand outstretched to a faucet, but he was completely frozen in place the entire time.

Envy helped Ed to his seat and sprayed himself and Ed with Axe so they wouldn't smell like beer. Lust turned to them and asked, "What happed to Ed?" Ed was hugging his desk and whispering beautiful words to it.

"Um, he studied too hard for the exam," Envy replied.

"Oh, I see." Then Lust handed a folded piece of paper to Envy. "This is the plan for Mardi Gras. Ed might need to see this, too."

Envy opened up the paper and glanced through it. "Wow, that's a little more elaborate than usual, don't you think?"

"Ed still needs to fulfill his promise of getting rid of Roy. Desperate means call for desperate measures."

Alvarez then told his class to shut up, then handed out the exam: as thick as a novel, as usual. But this time, Ed breezed right through it, as expected. He understood every word, knew all the right answers, so the only problem he had was completely filling in the bubbles on the scantron.

"Ya está!" Ed cheered when he finished the test twenty minutes earlier than everyone else. He ran up to the teacher, test and scantron in hand, and gave him a big hug. Then Ed skipped back to his desk and took a nap.

**Translation: "It's done!" (I think it's improper, though.)**

"Um, are you feeling okay, Elric?" Alvarez asked, all disturbed because a guy hugged him.

"Don't mind him!" Envy answered for Ed. "He's um, a big Oprah fan!" That response made Alvarez shudder, but then he went back to grading papers and stuff.

Envy had to show Ed the way to fourth period. When they got to class, Ed refused to sit on the desk because his chair was a slightly lighter hue than all the other chairs in the room. So Ed sat on the floor.

The teacher, Boullon, had an important announcement to make. "This will be my last day as a teacher this year," she said. "I'm going on maternity leave."

"Wow," Ed sounded amazed. "And all this time, I thought you were just getting fatter." The class grew dead silent and Boullon had a murderous look on her face.

"Don't mind him," Envy defended Ed. "He's um . . . anorexic?"

"Oh!" Boullon gasped. She patted Ed on the head. "You poor thing! It's so brave of you to even show up at school!"

When that class ended, Ed ran out of the room ahead of Envy. He began to run around the campus while butchering a Selena song while Envy chased him down. (Aztec Goddess: Don't own Selena or any of her songs.)

"Amor prohibido murmuran por las calles!" Ed screamed rather than sang. "Porque somos de distintas sociedades!" Ed started doing the waltz with his backpack in front of all the people in the cafeteria trying to eat.

**Translation: "Prohibited love murmurs through the streets!" "Because we're from different societies!"**

Envy tackled Ed. "Shut up, nene!" When he noticed that everyone was staring at them, he said, "Um, we're practicing for Theater." Everyone said stuff like _Oh! Okay! Wow! Awesome!_ They clapped for Ed and Envy, then resumed eating.

Ed had calmed down a little by the end of lunch, so nothing too hectic happened after that. He only refused to speak to his Psychology and Business teachers, one for being too tall, and the other for speaking too loudly. But he was utterly tired in Theater.

Envy had to turn in Ed's project for him because Ed had fallen asleep. He was on the floor, stomach exposed, and drooling.

"Um, like, what's wrong with Ed?" Hoganson asked.

"He's having a drool day," Envy replied.

" . . . Excuse me?"

"It's one of those days when you can't do anything but drool." Envy sounded all scientific when he said that.

"Oh! Hey, I had a drool day last week! Well, let's like hope that Ed doesn't have a drool day on the last assembly day!"

Envy wasn't able to wake Ed up when school ended, so he had to carry him back home. Winry was having the time of her life watching Oprah get her ears pierced. Poor Wrath had spent the day picking up all the empty boxes of bonbons Winry had thrown around. So he was ecstatic when he saw his "parents" come home.

"Yay! We can play now!" Wrath squealed. He hugged Envy. " . . . Wait, why's Mommy sleeping?"

"Um, because nene wants to play a certain game," Envy replied as he went into Ed's bedroom and dropped him onto the bed. "There's only one rule: keep an eye on him until he starts having body spasms. Then you'll have to wake him up, okay?"

Wrath pouted. "That doesn't sound like a fun game!"

"Too bad." Then Envy took out the paper Lust gave him earlier. He read it carefully, then took out a pencil and made some marks. He handed it to Wrath. "If nene successfully wakes up, give this to him." Envy started to leave the room.

"Where are you going?" Wrath asked.

"I need to buy stuff," Envy replied. Wrath looked really sad. Envy sighed. "We'll go out and buy _you_ stuff tomorrow, okay?" Wrath's face lit up and he nodded. Then Envy left the apartment to buy the stuff needed for Lust's plan.

_In the evening, at the homunculi's apartment room . . ._

Lust was flipping through the channels in hopes that one station didn't have Oprah's face on it. Pride was on the kitchen table doing his homework. Gluttony had just come home from Winis to declare that Greed was promoted to manager and he moved into some random girl's house.

"That bastard just wanted to ditch us," Lust hissed.

"But he's useless to us anyway," Pride said. "It wasn't like he was going to help us pay our taxes in the first place."

"Yeah, I suppose . . ."

Then Sloth barged into the room looking completely horrified. She was shaking all over.

"What happened?"

"The – the . . ." Sloth couldn't even say it. She slowly walked into the middle of the room. The hand that was carrying her suitcase turned to water. The suitcase fell to the floor and opened right up. Papers scattered everywhere. Sloth's gaze fell on one of the papers. The other homunculi decided to look at it as well.

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" Lust, Gluttony, and Pride cried in unison as they ran around the room in a fit of freaked-out-ness. Sloth fell to her knees in front of that paper and was trying to think rationally about the situation.

Then Envy came home carrying a bunch of black bags. "Hey, I got all – what's going on?" Envy walked up to Sloth since she was the only one not running around and screaming like a lunatic.

"The – the . . ." Sloth began again. She pointed to the paper in front of her.

Envy put his bags down and picked up the paper. "What's this? . . . A form for subs-"

Envy gasped and dropped the paper. "No freakin' way! Why now?"

"It . . . gets worse," Sloth said. She mumbled something almost inaudible. (She knows we live here.)

"Shit. Then I'm not staying here!" Envy left the room and went next door.

_The next day . . ._

"Yay! Now I can see Daddy every day at my house!" Wrath cheered as he skipped around the toy shop Envy brought him to. He stopped in front of a stuffed bunny. "But what happened that made you move?"

"Something, or rather _someone_ came up," Envy replied. "I dunno if I should even go back to school."

"That's better! Then I won't have to be all alone with the scary Oprah lady on school days!" Wrath pointed to the stuffed bunny. "I want that one."

"Don't you already have that?"

Wrath picked up the stuffed bunny and pointed to the pink bow on its ear. "I don't have a _girl_ bunny! You don't want Mr. Bunny to be alone forever, do you?"

Envy just blinked a lot, resisting the urge to hug Wrath and tell him how adorable he is in front of so many people. " . . . Is that all you want?"

Wrath nodded. He hugged the stuffed bunny close. "Yeah, this and a happy family!"

"GAH! Damn you!" Envy couldn't resist the urge anymore.

_Monday, first period . . ._

Ed stared at the empty seat next to him, then realized something. "Hey, wait! I saw Envy come to school today! Where'd he go?" Ed threw a crumpled piece of paper at Russell. "Did you hear me?"

"What?" Russell hissed. "I'm over Envy, so leave me alone, Lalo!"

Ed looked confused. That name rang a bell . . . oh, yeah. It's his Spanish name. "Since when do you call me that?"

"Since I realized it matches your height."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE USES A MUSHROOM AS AN UMBRELLA?"

"Um, I didn't say that, but it's nice to know what to give you when it rains," Russell replied smugly. Ouch. Ed got burned.

Speaking of burning, which makes you think about fire, the Flame Alchemist decided to give Ed crap that day, too. Ed fell flat on his face in the beginning of second period due to Roy's well-placed foot.

"What was that for?" Ed yelled as he picked himself up.

"I'm in a good mood today," Roy replied. "Just wondering, Ed . . . how many girlfriends have you had this year? Oh, and Envy doesn't count."

"None of your business, pervert," Ed hissed.

"I can make it my business since you shouldn't be hanging around the homunculi in the first place."

This conversation reminded Ed of the paper Wrath gave him when he regained consciousness the other day. "The homunculi aren't so bad. They only wanna get rid of you!" With that said, Ed marched to his desk.

The seat next to him was empty again. _This doesn't make sense_, Ed thought. _Okay, maybe I didn't literally see him go to school, but Wrath said he left early. _Ed rubbed his neck. _Damn, he didn't have to throw me off the bed if he wanted to sleep on it. . . . What made him decide to move anyway? _

That question was answered in fourth period. Boullon was replaced with Dante. "Hello class," she said, sounding as nice as usual. "I will be your English teacher for the rest of the school year. Call me Ms. Dante."

After class, Ed asked Dante, "What are you doing here?"

"That doesn't sound very nice," Dante replied as she looked through some papers on her desk. "I'm merely here to check up on _them_. But it seems like they're avoiding me. I found their apartment number, but no one was there when I went. And I haven't seen any of them on school campus today."

"Oh, so you have nothing to do with Envy disappearing?"

Dante sighed happily. "It's nice that this is a uniform school. Some people simply don't know how to dress."

Ed figured that he shouldn't get involved, so he just left for lunch. _The homunculi aren't really disappearing, right? But I didn't see Lust or Pride in third period . . . This can't be right. What about the paper? They were planning a lot of things for next month._

Aztec Goddess: Hope this isn't too confusing. Things will be cleared up in the next chapter. Wow, this was like chapter eighteen! That sounds like a lot when you think about it!

To **Lolafreak**: I've survived through an entire episode of Oprah! But I was on the internet while watching it, so, yeah. I dunno why I decided to put Oprah in this story. Tis a mystery I'll never figure out . . .

To **Lil-Kudo**: I'm sure Ed figured it out sooner or later, but I don't think guys like to really think about stuff like that. This makes me realize something: Winry was so perverted in that part!

To **Iwin Ulose**: I guess George Lopez is only popular in the west coast or something then 'cause he's on Comedy Central a lot and he has his own series on, um, ABC, I think. Anyway, I finally finished watching all my DVDs! Man, there are still some unanswered questions. I guess I'll have to get my hands on the movie then.

To **nadisrad**: I know! Not even I can draw circles like that! And I wouldn't know what to do if I had ownership of bonbons. That's too much power to handle!

To **nonesofar**: Dude, I love milk, so like cheese, too! And flying bison can still be milked 'cause they're mammals! Anyway, my friend Paola would like you to read her review to see what you'll think.

To **Paola **(ch 17): Wow, that says a lot.

To **Paola** (ch 16): That was beautiful! I love the way haskhsaks dla and Ed had a romantic stroll along the seashore. But then that bitch Elena had to come along and ruin their plans for a wedding! I was so happy when haskhsaks dla killed Elena in the end!

To **Ghostlyfire**: Really? It's mostly Asians here? I looked at some of my reviewer's sites and I've haven't seen an Asian so far. Anyway, how'd you know that I was gonna get Ed drunk for Spanish? Get out of my mind! AH! (runs into a wall)

To **sexylucifer** (ch 13): Yep, just 'cause I love George Lopez. Y'know, I haven't eaten a marshmallow in a long time.

To **sexylucifer** (ch 14): I dunno. I've gotta try it.

To **sexylucifer **(ch 15): Tis so shiny! You must obey the all powerful aluminum foil!

To **sexylucifer** (ch 16): So, have you updated yet? Lemme check . . .

To **sexylucifer** (ch 17): Yeah, the life of a shoe salesman is pretty damn sucky.

To **demonik: **Yeah, it would have been censored. If you want a clue, think _manhood_. Anyway, maybe learning Spanish by drinking is a type of drunkenness like happy drunk, violent drunk; why not have a Spanish drunk?

To **Everto Angelus** (ch 16): Really? Were you able to speak a little Spanish at that time?

To **Everto Angelus** (ch 17): Heh, the word _snorted_ reminds me of the word _snorkel_. What silly words!

To N**ayru**: I usually update really soon all the time, but things have been coming up. Thanks for reading! Hope you become a loyal R & R-er!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Yep, that's exactly what I had in mind in the first place. But I dunno how smart that was. At least he raised his grade in Spanish class.


	19. Mardi Gras

Aztec Goddess: Sorry for taking so long again! It's just that, man, the longer a story gets, the harder it is to write . . .

Mardi Gras

Lust, Pride, Gluttony, and Sloth ditched the apartment and invited themselves to live with Greed and one of his girlfriends. This is so they could prolong their fate of meeting with Dante.

"Guys! What the hell?" Greed yelled at his fellow homunculi when he noticed that they were hanging out in his girlfriend's living room. Oh, and he was only wearing a bath robe. And it's like the middle of the day.

"We're almost like a family!" Sloth replied. "Nothing any of us does can keep us apart forever!"

Greed looked around the room. "Then where's the palm tree and the crybaby?"

". . . They don't count," Lust replied.

"Yeah, because they have bigger roles in this story than us," Pride added.

Gluttony was busy eating a table.

_Meanwhile, at Kelly High . . ._

Ed searched high and low for any trace of the homunculi in the cafeteria, but to no avail. He saw a glimpse of Russell with his new girlfriend once (just some random girl). Then he unknowingly walked close to the table Roy sat at. He was talking to a beautiful exotic woman with flowing black hair, dark skin, and bright green eyes.

"Where'd you buy her?" Ed retorted.

"Her name's Naomi and I didn't buy her, so go away Havoc-grabber," Roy snapped back.

Ed looked stunned by that remark. "What the hell is that suppose to mean?" he asked.

Naomi grabbed Roy's arm and started pulling him away. "Let's go, Roy. I don't feel comfortable around midgets."

Ed could only stand there in pissed-off-ness as the couple walked away. "Damn, why does _he _get a girlfriend?" Ed growled under his breath. "And why does she have to be so damn _hot_?"

The rest of the school day wasn't very enjoyable for Ed. After so long, he and Envy were finally getting along, and Envy had to disappear like that. It sucked. Then Ed started worrying about Wrath. _Oh, no! What if my poor Wrath has disappeared, too? I'll never see his sweet face again! And I've never even told him that I love him! . . . Wait, why am I thinking like this?_

Whether Ed would like to admit it or not, he _would _miss Wrath like crazy. I mean, wouldn't you? So Ed worried and worried until he came home and found the bundle of cuteness sound asleep on the living room couch. The TV was off. Winry was unconscious on the floor and it seemed like she had a bump on her head where possibly the remote control hit her.

"Aw, Wrath!" Ed squealed. "You're the only one who can still look cute even after committing an act of violence!" He hugged the sleeping Wrath.

Wrath woke up a bit startled. "I didn't do anything!" he began. "The Oprah lady was on the floor when I got here!"

"That doesn't matter!" Ed said. "I'm just happy you didn't disappear like the others!"

"Disappear?" Wrath sounded devastated. "You mean my daddy and my other mommy and my fat cousin and my lazy eyed uncle and my slutty sister and my pimptastic brother are gone?"

Ed counted the list of people on his fingers. Yeah, they sounded like the other six homunculi. "Wait a minute! _Slutty _and _pimptastic_? Where'd you learn that kind of language, young man?" Ed scolded Wrath.

"I heard it from them," Wrath replied. "But why would they disappear and just leave me here all oblivious? They don't like me!" Wrath began to cry.

"What are you talking about?" Envy sleepily came out of Ed's – well now _his_ bedroom.

"Daddy!" Wrath ran up Envy. "Mommy was trying to scare me by saying that you and the others disappeared! Go hit him!" (Aztec Goddess: Yeah, I know. Wrath calls Ed his mommy but still refers to him as a guy.)

"Disappeared?" Envy repeated. "What made you think that, nene?"

"Well, maybe because you and the other homunculi weren't at school today," Ed replied.

"I was thinking of going, but then I just ended up buying some breakfast, then came back here."

"Then we went to the movies!" Wrath said. "Then to the Swap Meet, and then we ate there, and then we came back here and that's when I hit the – I mean fell asleep on the couch!"

"Okay . . ." Ed said. "But why'd all the homunculi ditch today?"

"Yeah, where are they?" Wrath asked Envy.

"They're freeloading off one of Greed's girlfriends," Envy replied.

"Why?"

"Because _she's_ at school now."

"You mean Dante?" Ed asked.

Wrath gasped dramatically. "That crazy lady that wants nothing less that the philosopher's stone?" He sounded utterly terrified. "Does she expect us to have it right now?"

"Probably," Envy replied. "But I don't wanna see her right now. We had an . . . argument the last time we talked."

"Something about your clothes?" Ed guessed, remembering what Dante said about some people not knowing how to dress.

Envy threw a conveniently located rock at Ed. "None of your business! The only thing you need to worry about is how we're gonna get away with what we're gonna do in Mardi Gras!"

_A couple days later . . ._

It's awkward when a bunch of people only your boyfriend knows decides to live in your house. While Greed and Gluttony were out working, Greed's girlfriend tried to break the ice between herself and the three other homunculi. They sat around in the living room.

"So . . . any relation to Greed?" the girlfriend asked Lust, Pride, and Sloth.

"No," they replied.

"Then you guys are just friends?"

The homunculi made a so-so gesture with one of their hands. " . . . Meh."

Now the girlfriend didn't know what to think. "Then, like, what the hell are you doing on my property?"

That question was answered when a stranger barged into the house. Well, she's not really a stranger to the homunculi: Dante!

"Oh, dear God!" the homunculi screeched as they hid behind Greed's girlfriend.

"Don't tell me you're gonna start living here, too," the girlfriend groaned.

"Heavens no!" Dante replied. "Why would I want to live around so many people? I'm here to yell at the homunculi! So, HOW DARE YOU ALL TRY TO AVOID ME?" The homunculi flinched.

"We're high school students now!" Pride whined.

"Exactly. We have too much work to do anyway!" Lust added.

Sloth thought for a moment. "Damn, I've been missing work . . ."

Dante looked disappointed. "Don't think I don't know that you all are disobeying orders," she replied. "Getting Ed to create the philosopher's stone should come before breaking apart the military. You all need to learn how to prioritize! Now, where are the others?"

"Greed and Gluttony are working at Winis," Pride answered.

Dante lowered her eyelids at Pride. "Cut the crap."

"No, he's being serious," Lust and Sloth said. The girlfriend nodded in agreement.

" . . . Do I even want to know where Envy and Wrath are?"

Lust shrugged. "They're most likely with the Elric brothers. That's next door to where we were staying before."

"Oh, okay then," Dante began to leave. "I expect to see you all back in school tomorrow and I want a full analysis on this principal I've been hearing so much about." Then she left and headed to Ed's apartment room.

The homunculi sighed of relief. Dante wasn't as pissed as they expected her to be. "Well, now that that's over," Lust said as she pulled out the black bags Envy brought to them the other night, "let's go over our latest plan."

" . . .What do you have in the bags?" the girlfriend asked, a little scared.

"Thank you for asking!" Lust replied. She opened one of the bags to show the girlfriend its contents.

The girlfriend gasped dramatically. "Oh, my God! Who are you people? Don't you know that stuff like that is illegal?" She looked like she was about to faint.

_Fourth period, the day before Mardi Gras . . ._

"Now you all know that Mardi Gras promotes the use of drugs and alcohol," Dante was telling her class, "which is why celebrating it is strictly prohibited in Central. I would advise you to leave for the weekend, but the school wouldn't like that."

"Really? Mardi Gras' like illegal here?" Ed whispered to Envy.

"That's why it should be easy to-" Envy whispered back, but was interrupted by Dante.

"Would you like to share something with the class, Envy?" Dante asked.

Envy didn't respond. He only glared at the old lady. Dante ordered him to stay after class. Alone.

Dante felt like being a smart ass, so she started the conversation in a sweet voice, "It's nice to see you wearing pants, Envy."

"What the hell do you want now?" Envy spat.

"I need to make sure you're doing your job. So, how hard have you tried to get the philosopher's stone in the last seven months?"

Envy shrugged. "There are more important things to worry about right now." He began to leave the room and added sarcastically, "It's been a pleasure speaking to you again."

"So what happened?" Ed asked Envy during lunch.

Envy wasn't going to respond anyway, but Lust and Pride had come up to them. "They took our suggestion," Lust said proudly, motioning towards Roy and his girlfriend.

"And we got the other two to come, as well," Pride added.

Envy's face lit up. "Wow, how convenient!"

Ed didn't quite understand what they were saying. "What's all that mean?" he asked.

"If all goes well," Envy answered, "you'll be the only militarist on campus!" Wow, wouldn't that be sad if Ed and Hughes end up being the only two military peoples by the end of the year? Just think of how little would be done . . .

_The next day (Saturday) . . ._

Roy woke up early to get ready for his double date with Naomi; the other couple is Ross and Breda. How'd that happen? Not even I know.

Anyway, it seemed like a perfect plan since it's Mardi Gras so all the rowdy teens are far away. They were going to watch this one romantic movie Lust had suggested to them. Why'd they even listen to her? 'Cause they're dumb like that.

So Roy borrowed one of Hughes' cars again to pick up his date. Too bad Roy didn't know that Envy had reached Naomi earlier, had locked her in her closet, so now he's disguised as her. And so the plan had gone in motion.

Lust, Pride, and Sloth went to watch the movie too and sat at the far back, out of sight, to have control over things. Along with Envy, they had those certain items he bought that day. All they had to do was get them all over the militarist in the exact right moment . . .

Not too far from the theater, there's a Starbucks (duh). Ed bought some coffee there and placed the full cup near the entrance of the theater to lure the most essential part of the plan: cops. Once a cop was in sight, Ed would give the signal to everyone else by casually walking inside the theater.

So how difficult was this for Envy? It pained him to keep his body from cringing whenever Roy felt the need to play footsie, touch his leg, play with his hair, et cetera. So, yeah, Envy was in a LOT of pain.

"Are you feeling okay, Naomi?" Roy asked Envy, putting a hand on his knee.

_IF HIS HAND GOES ANY HIGHER-_ Envy's mind screamed, but he made himself sound calm, "Yeah, I'm okay. It's just that all the previews before the movie bug me, I guess."

Breda and Ross were sitting nearby.

"Yeah, what's up with the previews?" Breda asked, sounding pissed.

"You need to learn to be patient," Ross said.

"You need to learn how to act on dates," Breda lowly mumbled.

_WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER?_ Envy's head was screaming again. He kept on glancing at the entrance. _WHERE THE HELL IS ED? GAH! HIS HAND-_

Ed was having trouble finding a cop. He J-walked a couple of times while coming up with a better plan since the coffee thing was a complete failure. A light bulb appeared above his head as he realized another cop magnet: doughnuts! So Ed ran across the street to the local bakery, stole a box of doughnuts, broke a window for no reason, then lined up some doughnuts along the sidewalk in front of the theater.

Ed knew that the homunculi didn't want to wait long, so he was getting even more desperate for a cop. He stood in the middle of the busy street for a while. He wrote _DON'T_ in front of _STOP _on some stop signs. He even took off his shirt and shoes and started walking in and out of the closest store. It was driving him crazy! No one seemed to notice all the illegal stuff he was doing!

Romantic movies are not Lust's and Sloth's cup of tea. They gagged each time a character said something fluffy like "I've seen the moon light up the sea, but I have yet to find something as beautiful as you," or "Why is it that without you, I have no reason to live?" Pride, on the other hand, was really getting into it. He was on the edge of is seat as the movie's music became all dramatic, meaning that one of the main characters was on the verge of death, or something stereotypical like that.

"We were asking too much of Ed," Lust sighed. "It must have been four hours already. The movie should be almost over . . ."

Sloth yawned. "It hasn't even been an hour."

Pride shushed them, "Women," he mumbled. "They don't know how to appreciate a good movie."

So, back with Ed. He was throwing rocks at passing cars and broke several windows but he was ready to cry. Even after cutting down street lights, he remained unnoticed, so there still weren't any cops around. He became beyond desperate, so he chose to use his ultimate resort: taking out one of the things Envy had bought earlier. According to Envy, this thing is so illegal, cops from all over the city will show up suddenly if someone reports it, and that's a definite thing.

Ed reached into his pocket and pulled out this shiny, colorful object that seems to be a necklace made out of beads. This object has many names, but it is most commonly known as The Mardi Gras Beads! Cars suddenly stopped and the pedestrians started running around in hysteria. As Envy predicted, hundreds of cops did come out of nowhere and immediately pinned Ed down to the ground.

"Everyone, remain calm!" the cops were screaming. Then one cop yelled at Ed, "Where the hell did you get something like that?"

"Um-" Ed was about to explain himself, but got hit by several batons.

"We said REMAIN CALM!" another cop shrieked. "NOW ANSWER THE GOD DAMNED QUESTION!"

"Some people gave it to me for free," Ed replied.

"WHERE? WHO?"

And so Ed led the way to the movie the others were watching.

Aztec Goddess: You know that an Expulsion chapter is coming up next, so, until next time!

To **nadisrad**: Smirnoff? Don't think I've ever heard of that. And I think ANYTHING can be made to sound perverted! It's actually quite easy. And as for your Spanish neighbor, if you hear words with the "ch" sound, he's saying "fuck" and things similar to that.

To **Lil-Kudo**: Dante's this one old lady who uses the homunculi to get the philosopher's stone. Um, hope this isn't a big spoiler to you. I'll try not to go into details in this story. But you probably need to know that she knows how to beat the homunculi. That's why they're so afraid of her in this story.

To **Everto Angelus**: Heh, that does sound cool! Lemme try to say it . . . piss-drunk! LOL! Glad you like the cutesy Wrath! Some people don't like OOC's . . .

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: I suppose his life is getting _slightly_ better, but man, poor Ed. He has to go through so much crap in my stories before things turn out okay for him. But that's fun!

To **MetalWing Alchemist**: You don't have to say sorry, especially since fanfiction edits repetition. That sucks that some reviews aren't allowed to be as dramatic as they should. T.T

To **Nayru**: I tried drinking six drinks in five minutes. Tis fun to try, but impossible. This makes me wonder how Ed lasted all day without going potty. O.o

To **Iwin Ulose**: It isn't obvious? Al the shoe salesman! Anyway, I've got a cousin who's searching all the Japanese FMA sites for the movie right now. He only found a couple of short clips so far though. T.T Guess we'll all have to wait a bit longer . . .

To **CowNapkin**: Me too! Married with Children, along with Whose Line is it Anyway, was my inspiration to start writing funny stuff!

To **nonesofar**: There's no such thing as rotten milk 'cause it turns into yogurt! Ha! Milk is invincible!

To **Ghostlyfire**: Wow, I guess the saying's true: Great Mexicans think alike. Wait, me and my friend think alike, and she's _Guatemalan_. . . Hm, maybe I've just been to everyone's site except for all the Asians? All this makes me wonder how cow tongue tastes like . . .

To **sexylucifer**: Thanks! And, FINALLY! YOU"RE BACK!


	20. Expulsion 3

Aztec Goddess: Wow, chapter twenty. Sounds like this is coming to an end soon . . . but I'm not exactly sure how to get there! (nervous laugh)

Expulsion 3

While Ed was having a craptastic day as usual, his brother Al couldn't be . . . happier! A fat lady hasn't stormed by his store in weeks, and all the shoe-loving perverts were rolling in! Okay, that may not sound like a good thing, but Al is a shoe salesman and he's selling shoes and that's all that matters to him. His armor is overflowing with money now and it finally felt like he was living the good life! Then Jean Havoc walked into his store.

Havoc only planned on buying a pair of shoes that day - a simple procedure he has done many times before, but just by looking at Al drove him into hysterics. "Oh, my God! You're –you're – you're related to _him_!" Havoc ran to a corner, took out an egg timer, put in on five minutes, then began to cry.

All the other customers looked at each other in confusion, then one by one, began to leave the store. Al got pissed. He walked right up to Havoc and kicked him. "What's the matter with you? You're scaring away all the customers!"

Havoc cried and cried and blurted out stuff like, "Why don't girls grab my ass?" "Why'd it have to be a guy?" "Why can't I stop smoking?" "Why am I so fat?" Then his five minutes were up, so he stood up and looked like he hasn't been crying at all. "Sorry, Al. It's just that I allow myself five minutes of unmanliness a day. So, what were you saying?"

"Um, I think it was something like _what's the matter with you _and _you're scaring away all the customers_."

"Oh . . ." Then Havoc exploded in a fit of anger. "HEY! Don't act like you don't know what happened! It's your freakin' brother's fault I have problems now!"

Of course Al didn't know what Havoc was talking about. "Huh? Something happened between you and my brother? . . . Wait, he . . . grabbed your ass?" Havoc hesitantly nodded. "Why are you making such a big deal out of it?"

"He . . . a guy _touched_ me!"

"Geez, you don't have to say it like _that_!"

Suddenly, Havoc threw himself at Al and pleaded, "Please, help me find a girlfriend!"

_Meanwhile, with the militarist and the homunculi that aren't expelled yet . . ._

The movie was almost over – ten more horrendous minutes to go, according to Sloth. Lust had fallen asleep and Pride was still on the edge of his seat in anxiety. As for Ross and Breda – Breda was also asleep and Ross was on the verge of tears due to the sadness of the movie, I guess. And Roy was enjoying himself, therefore Envy . . .

_I swear, I'm gonna kill whoever came up with the yawn and stretch crap_, Envy told himself. He was pretty much scared stiff with Roy's arm around him and his head resting on Roy's shoulder. _Oh, God, when will this end? Where the FUCK is Ed?_

"Can we leave a little early, Naomi?" Roy asked Envy in a sweet voice.

"Huh?" Envy literally squeaked.

"You promised on our third date we'd go over to my house and-"

Envy suddenly sat straight up and gave Roy an odd look. He didn't mean to, it's just that, well, what would you do in this situation?

_Meanwhile, outside of this theater room . . ._

Ed was searching for the theater room the other were in as the cops ran around the anteroom like crazy, breaking stuff with their batons and shooting at flies. Yes, the Mardi Gras beads did make them quite jumpy.

"I'm sure you cops are always really busy," Ed said to the cops as he opened the door to the theater room, "so I don't wanna waste your time by making you run into the wrong room, so lemme just check if the people with the beads are in here before you guys, okay?"

The cops saw no problem in this, so they let Ed do whatever the hell he wanted to do. Ed silently crept into the room unnoticed. He quickly spotted Sloth, so he waved to her. Sloth waved back, then started nudging Lust to wake her up. Ed went back out of the room and told the cops, "Okay, they're in here, but try not to cause a huge uproar, okay."

"Dude, we're cops," a cop said. "We know how to handle cases like this."

"The possession of Mardi Gras beads?" Ed asked, almost to himself. "Whoa, this country's sad."

Then the cops trampled over Ed to get inside the room and started shooting in the air. A cop with a megaphone said, "Everyone in this room will be put under arrest until proven innocent of not possessing Mardi Gras beads!"

Most of the people watching the movie booed at the cops and started throwing half-eaten food at them. "We're trying to watch the ending!" they screamed.

The cops turned to the big movie screen. "Dude, this movie's the shiznite! Okay, we'll wait!" So the cops sat down in front of the screen and watched the end of the movie with everyone else.

During all this stupidity, Roy was beginning to understand that "Naomi" was a bit different today. "And . . . what . . .?" Envy asked, sounding a little disturbed.

"And, y'know . . ." Roy replied. "C'mon, I already paid for it the last time we went out, remember?"

Envy pursed his lips to keep from smiling. What a lovely gift of blackmail Roy has just given him! "I . . . I don't think we should be doing this," he made himself sound depressed. He searched through his – actually the real Naomi's – purse and pulled out what looked like a ton of money and jewelry. But it's hard to tell since it's dark in the theater. "Here's your money back. I'm leaving." Envy dumped the stuff he had just taken out on Roy's lap and left the theater. The cops didn't notice, of course.

Roy left right after Envy leaving all the money and the jewelry behind. He found Envy helping up the semiconscious Ed that has many shoe imprints all over him. "Can you walk on your own, nene?" Envy asked Ed.

". . . Nene?" Roy repeated. "Hey, you're not Naomi, you're, you're Ed's-"

"If you say _lover_, I'm gonna make it so you piss sitting down from this day on," Envy spat as he turned back to his usual form.

"Okay, whatever. I'm gonna leave now to look for the real Naomi." As Roy began to leave, Envy tackled him and knocked him to the floor. Since Ed lost his support, he fell down, too.

"I won't let you leave until you swear you'll drop out of high school!" Envy yelled as he held his fist up to sock Roy.

Roy quickly put his fingers in a snapping position in front of Envy. "You seriously want to challenge me? I swear I'll make you a drop out!"

And so Envy and Roy started a fight in the anteroom over an argument that made even the semiconscious Ed laugh. Within seconds, there wasn't much of the anteroom left thanks to Roy's fire alchemy that could never seem to hit Envy.

_Back inside the theater room . . ._

"Pride, quit watching that damned movie and help us!" Lust and Sloth whispered at him.

"Sh! Go without me!" Pride whispered back.

Lust and Sloth sighed, then shrugged. They supposed that they really didn't need Pride's help. They could sneak Mardi Gras beads onto Ross and Breda by themselves. They went to the seats behind the two oblivious militarists. It wasn't a problem sneaking some of the necklaces onto Breda since he was still asleep, but that's when the credits began to roll.

"Aw, that was a great movie, wasn't it?" Ross asked as she stood up from her seat and turned to Breda. She immediately noticed Lust and Sloth with their hands on Breda. "Hey, what the hell?" she yelled as she attacked the homunculi.

The homunculi threw the necklaces at the angry Ross as they easily dodged her punches. "The beads are presents!" Lust explained.

"Yeah, we're giving them out to everyone!' Sloth added as she handed some Mardi Gras beads to the couple that were sitting behind Breda and Ross. It's odd that they didn't say anything about the beads or the fact that their space was being intruded, but maybe that's because they knew a little something about homunculi.

Ross made a big scene about two slutty women giving her date jewelry and she was constantly trying to attack them, but Lust easily held her back without even needing to use her special powers. Eventually, this caught the cops' attention since they weren't as focused on the credits as they were on the actual movie.

People started to leave the theater hastily and the cops weren't up to doing anything about that. "The movie was so sad!" most of them were crying. But the three focused cops decided to make it their job to break up the fight among Ross, Lust, and Sloth. They freaked out when they saw the Mardi Gras beads all over the place.

One of the cops pinned Ross to the ground and started beating her with his baton. Another cop shocked Sloth with his taser and she momentarily turned into water. "What was that for, asshole!" Sloth screamed. The cop found this amusing, so he kept on shocking her with his taser.

The third cop had cuffed Lust and was trying to ask her out on a date. Lust stabbed him with her nails in response. He fell over and she stared at his motionless body for a while.

"Whoops. I killed him." Surprisingly, all the other cops noticed this, so they ganged up on Lust.

_Back outside the theater room . . ._

The anteroom no longer existed. Roy was still trying to strike Envy, but to no avail. And Envy hasn't been able to get close enough to attack Roy again. "Give up already, you bastard!" Envy yelled. "'Cause I know I can get you in trouble with your business with Naomi!"

"Well, I know you're the murderer of the alternate Maes Hughes!" Roy yelled back.

"You have just burned down half the theater!"

"You've been involved with all the crap that happened in the last dances!"

"Well, um . . . you're a pervert!"

"And you're, um . . . sadistic!" By then, Roy and Envy had pretty much stopped fighting.

"Damn, I guess we're even then," Envy stated.

Roy scratched his head in confusion. "Yeah . . . I guess so. Well, then we'll just have to wait until one of us screws up again before we can conclude who should drop out."

Envy groaned. "What a waste of time . . . Get out of my sight before I choose to kill you." Roy took this as his cue to run to Hughes car and drive back home. Envy walked up to Ed to see how he was doing. "Hey, let's get out of here before the cops notice that half this place is missing."

"But wait, what just happened?" Ed asked, all dazed. He stood up and started brushing debris off his clothes.

"We'll find out soon enough."

_The next day, at Ed's apartment . . ._

Oprah was cancelled for the day and Winry wouldn't stop crying about it. She was on the floor throwing a tantrum. The news about the Mardi Gras beads and the theater were on every single channel. Ed, Al, Envy, and Wrath sat around the TV to try to figure out exactly what happened.

So far, the cops were being blamed for the destruction of the anteroom, the stolen doughnuts, the broken car windows, and just about everything else Ed did. All the people that were still inside the movie theater after the credits were arrested. Discarded money and beads were found unattended, so everyone there, except the cops, were found guilty of possession.

Also, the news reporters reported a woman on the verge of death that was trapped in her own closet. "Oh, I knew I forgot something," Envy commented. Then the phone rang. Envy was expecting a call from the other homunculi, so he answered it. "Hey, so what happened?" he greeted them. ". . . Okay, but what about you guys? . . . Holy crap! That's a LOT for bail! Go ask Greed for it. . . . Yeah, I know he won't, but ask him just to piss him off, okay? . . . No, Roy got away. WHAT DO YOU MEAN _I_ SUCK! YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES IN JAIL! . . . Naw, I don't feel like helping. See you in the summer then!" Envy hung up even though Lust's, Sloth's, and Pride's pissed off voices could still be heard on the other line.

"What did they say?" Ed asked Envy.

"It turns out that Ross, Breda, Lust, Sloth, and Pride are pretty much stuck in jail until the end of July," Envy replied. "So none of them are going to graduate."

"Oh, wow," Al commented. "Who would have thought that so many people would get in trouble over a bunch of harmless plastic beads?"

Then the door swung open. It was Dante on her routine checkup on all the homunculi. Wrath shrieked and hid behind Envy for protection. "You should really stop breaking into peoples' homes," Envy spat at Dante.

The non-homunculi had grown used to Dante's constant intrusion, and knew they had no part in her conversation with Envy and Wrath, so they casually went on with watching TV.

"You're the only one left," Dante said to Envy. "I'm expecting quite a bit from you now. And I've got some work for you, too, Wrath." Dante threw down a pretty big pile of papers next to the homunculi. "I am well aware that it will be Spring Break soon, so I expect you two to figure this all out with all the free time you'll have. That is all." With that said, Dante left the room.

"That's not fair!" Wrath pouted. "Just because she's so old and all powerful doesn't mean that she can boss us around like that!"

Envy looked at some of the papers. "Actually, that's exactly why she can boss us around like that. Hm, these all look like reports on the principal."

After hearing the word _principal_, Ed couldn't pretend to be oblivious anymore. "Why would she give you reports?" Ed whined. "You guys don't think I can get the philosopher's stone on my own?"

"Well, you really sucked at finding cops yesterday," Envy retorted.

"That wasn't my fault!" Ed started grabbing as much of the papers as possible. "I'm gonna figure everything out about the principal on my own!"

"You can't do crap on your own!" Envy started listing things. "You needed me to get a date for homecoming-"

"I didn't really need that!"

"You needed beer to stop failing Spanish – I even helped you get drunk!"

"Who needs _help_ getting drunk?"

"And you-"

Wrath covered his ears and yelled. "Stop it!" He gave Envy and Ed the puppy eyes. "I thought you two were already done fighting each other . . ."

Since neither Envy nor Ed had the heart to keep Wrath unhappy, they apologized then decided that they'll all work on the reports together. Al had to restrain Winry and keep her mouth shut so she wouldn't ruin the moment. All she wanted to do was squeeze Wrath and tell him how cute he is.

Aztec Goddess: So now the only FMA characters left in school are: Envy, Ed, Roy, Russell, Scar, and Abel. (Dante doesn't count.) Only one will survive! Who will it be? Well, I think this story is only gonna be twenty-four chapters long, so you'll find out very soon!

To **Lil-Kudo**: Oh, okay then. It's just that I freak out when I get spoiled. Like when I missed that episode when Hughes dies when it first came out, so in school, my friend said, "That was so sad when Hughes died!" I was like, "? Why'd you tell me? And who killed him? Envy?" "Yeah, how'd you know?" " . . .GAH!" Man, I hate my guessing skills. I even guessed right when it came to who died in the latest Harry Potter book. T.T

To **ooOAnimeChildOoo **(ch 1): I'm already going to Kennedy High, and I don't think we're on welfare, but we're pretty damn poor. There's been construction going on for three years now all over campus, and the workers haven't even finished building the frames for our future auditorium or gym (both separate buildings). Construction was so bad in the beginning of last year, we didn't have PE at all in first semester. That was fun, though!

To **Lolafreak**: Yeah, Envy really knows how to take one for the team. We should honor him for having to deal with Roy! And I liked the pimptastic part, too! It took me a while to figure out how I could put that word in my last chapter, but I did it!

To **MetalWing Alchemist**: I wonder why too many exclamation points aren't allowed. Lemme try something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay that should be 20 exclamation points. Anyway, thanks for saying the last chapter was funny. I feel like I'm running out of ideas for this story . . .

To **Everto Angelus**: Yeah, I strike when you least or most expect it, if that even makes sense! Funky chickens dance together! I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore so I'll just start on my next chapter!

To **White bandana **(ch 2): I wanna keep writing until the day I die! Or until I get a career. Whichever comes first. And I prefer the anime over the manga, but yeah, Full Metal Alchemist is currently my favorite book. And of course you'll hear back from me 'cause you're a reviewer!

To **White Bandana** (ch 4): Don't worry, I had no problem reading it. And, yeah, Ed has pretty much given up the whole being popular thing because that is just too unrealistic for him now. Poor Ed! I always give him crappy luck!

To **White bandana** (ch 6): Ed didn't have much of a choice when it came to trusting Envy, but as you can see, their relationship is still a bit shaky, even though they're living in the same apartment room now. Are Indian languages hard to learn? I've heard some Indian songs and they sound so pretty, but confusing to me.

To **ooOAnimeChildOoo** (ch 19): I made up Kelly High, and it wasn't meant to sound bad, just retarded. And my school color is green, too! Well, green and gold. We're the "fighting Irish". (snorts) Our mascot's a leprechaun and we have a huge rock painted yellow in the middle of campus and that's supposed to be the blarney stone. I think Kelly High would be more fun! Radish pride! Woot!

To **Nayru**: Roy is like a cockroach – he's hard to kill. . . . Unless you Raid his ass, but that's not as effective on humans. (I don't own Raid.) But don't worry, the odds of Roy graduating are pretty slim if you think about it since Ed and Envy both want him gone.

To **Kitsune Freak**: I never planned on Ed just walking in and pointing to Roy. That would be cutting Ed waaaaay too much slack, don't you think? And Roy's simply one hell of a lucky bastard!

To **CowNapkin**: Heh, when you say _shoe_, I imagine your horse wearing human shoes! Anyway, Wayne Brady is so freakin' awesome, but his own show didn't do quite well, T.T I don't think I've ever heard of Unhappily Ever After. Is it still on TV? What channel?

To **arynna**: Beads can be classified as a deadly weapon! Just look at it with its choking and whacking abilities! Anyway, yeah, I know it's crazy hat doughnuts didn't work. But it was really Ed's fault because he could have tried flinging them in the air rather than placing them on the sidewalk. Stupid Ed!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: None of that makes you a bad writer! And who knows, maybe once you can use a computer again, you'll have a bunch of great ideas by then! I really want to know how your stories will end, so good luck!

To **AnimeCrasherz**: Well, some stuff that happens in this story has something to do with my real life. The whole Titanic thing is a good example. It's actually a real improv. my friends and I made up in a Chinese Food Restaurant! And the only reason I have for putting a lot of Mexican things in here is because _I'm_ Mexican!


	21. Spring Break

Aztec Goddess: OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Over two hundred reviews! (dies of heart attack) . . . Okay, now I'm back to go on with the story!

Spring Break

Al woke up extra early since he promised Havoc that he'd get him a girlfriend before he breaks down into another five minutes of unmanliness. Needless to say, Havoc's family strongly dislikes those dreaded five minutes.

But there was a little problem Al had to face first: Winry was already watching TV and the only way out the door would be to walk between her and the TV. Al took an imaginary deep breath, then did a little sprint to the door. But he wasn't fast enough.

"What the hell's your problem, Al!" Winry yelled. "I could have missed a very important millisecond of my show! How dare you think you can get away with this!" Al got freaked out, so he dashed out the door. Winry chased after him with a huge wrench in hand. "Don't run away from me! You'll never get away! I know where you live!"

Al jumped down all the stairs and Winry tumbled down after him. "Winry, you're obsessed with Oprah! You need help!" Al yelled back as he ran out of the apartment for dear life.

"I am NOT obsessed! You don't know what _obsessed_ is!" Winry yelled back as the two of them ran down the street.

"But that's all you do! It's like Oprah's the only reason you came to live with us!"

"Well . . . 'cause it is! Freakin' Grandma kicked me out of the house when I wouldn't stop watching Oprah!"

Al stopped abruptly and Winry ran into him. She fell to the floor, bleeding a little. "Wow, that's sad," Al commented. "But since when do _you_ have a TV?"

Winry got up and rubbed her forehead. " . . . I don't remember. But what's important is that you and Ed are nice enough to let me freeload off you guys!"

Then Al noticed that they had stopped right in front of Havoc's house. How convenient! "Hey, I know a place where you can freeload as long as you want without pissing your old friends off!"

"Really? Oh, that's awesome!"

"But there's a catch."

"What?"

"YouneedtobeHavoc'sgirlfriend," Al quickly replied.

"Yeah, I guess I can make friends with a hammock!"

"Okay, so it's settled then!" Al walked Winry up to Havoc's doorsteps, rang the doorbell, and as soon as the door opened, Al shoved Winry inside the house, then ran as fast as he could to his shoe store.

_A couple weeks later, back at the apartment . . ._

Envy, Ed, and Wrath haven't had a good sleep in weeks. They have every waking moment trying to make sense out of the reports to have maximum leisure time in Spring break, but already half the break has flown by! It was late one night when the three of them made quite a shocking discovery . . .

Ed threw up his arms in distress, then fell flat on some of the papers. "None of these things are adding up!" he whined. "If George Lopez really does have the stone, then why the hell isn't he acting all powerful and stuff?"

Wrath was sleepily looking through some of the other papers. "Says here he doesn't have any _credentials_, so how is he a principal, and why?"

"He doesn't do much as a principal," Ed commented. "Maybe it has something to do with money?"

"He's loaded. And . . . look at this." Wrath handed Ed a newspaper clipping from _the other side_.

Ed read the clipping out loud, "_Neighboring countries have disappeared. Police are baffled. _. . . What the hell?"

"I guess the police from _the other side_ aren't that different from our own."

"No, Wrath, that's not the weird part. It's just that I remember reading that George supposedly duplicated countries from wherever the hell he's from, but if they've disappeared from their original place, then . . ."

"_Equivalent exchange_?"

Ed was started by this realization. " . . . But then that would mean that he _doesn't_ have the philosopher's stone! . . . No way! That's impossible! He told me that I could borrow it once I graduate!"

"But where's the proof that he even has the stone?"

Ed groaned. "Maybe if we look harder, we'll find something."

At the moment, Envy had made a hand puppet out of a paper bag that came out pretty good. He slid the puppet onto his hand, and moved its mouth as he spoke in a funny voice, "So far, we know George Lopez is Mexican, has lovely wife Ana, and has head twice the size of a soccer ball. This don't help us crap. Only one solution . . ." Envy picked up a conveniently located sick with his puppet's mouth. "We whack reports with stick!" And so Envy commenced to violently whack the reports with a stick.

Wrath clapped and giggled at Envy's little show. Ed, on the other hand, was not amused. "What the hell have you been doing all this time, Envy?" he asked.

Envy answered in his normal voice. "I started working on my Theater project. How 'bout you?"

"Oh . . . crap. When did the teacher assign another project?"

"Right before Spring break. We're supposed to come back with a little puppet theater."

"But – but what about all this crap Dante gave us?" Ed whined.

"Mr. Puppet has a point," Wrath pointed out. "_This don't help us crap_! Plus, I think we should get some good sleep one of these days. But, y'know, it's been too quiet around here . . ."

Wrath was right. It's been uncomfortably quiet the entire time they were working on the reports. Sure, Al came in and out several times a day, but there was still something missing. Something very annoying and talkative was missing . . . The trio turned to the TV, and it was OFF!

"Holy crap!" Ed yelled. "Since when has the TV been off?"

Wrath looked around the room. "Could it be . . .?" he asked himself as he stood up from the floor and walked around the living room. "Yes! The Oprah lady is gone!" he cheered.

"Wow, and all this time I thought she was stuck to the couch!" Envy replied.

Ed scratched his head in confusion. "You think she's been gone for a long time?" And that was their shocking discovery. Pretty sad, huh?

_At Havoc's house . . ._

Jean Havoc still had no clue on when or how some random blonde chick ended up living with him, but he was not one to complain about something like this. They actually got along pretty well since Havoc got addicted to Oprah in one of his prior five minutes of unmanliness. But it was still hard for him to keep a conversation going with her.

"So, any other interests besides Oprah?" Havoc asked Winry during commercials.

Winry thought for several seconds. "Hm, I know I used to really be into something before I got a TV, but I can't really remember. . . . I think it has something to do with Ed's-"

Havoc jumped to the back of the couch. "Ed? Where? You saw him in here?" He asked, all paranoid.

"I don't think so, but urg! Now this is gonna bug me! Why can't I remember my old hobby?" Winry scratched her head with the wrench she always carries around.

Havoc sat back down next to Winry. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll remember one day," he said in a sweet voice.

"Aw, you're so nice, um . . ."

"Jean Havoc. And um, you are . . .?"

"Winry Rockbell! Nice to finally know your name! I've been living here for the past couple of weeks!"

"Yeah, I noticed." Havoc scooted closer to Winry. "Um, Winry, I think I – oh, wait! Oprah's back on!" And so the almost-couple harmoniously watched the rest of Oprah.

_Where Scar and Abel are at . . ._

The last time we saw these two Ishbalian brothers, they were in Yahualica where they were rescued by Ed from the Foreign Lovers Club. Well, they still haven't left Mexico. Now they're lost in a desert.

Abel was holding the map. "Let's see . . . that guy from the bar said that there should be an airport somewhere beyond this desert. And according to this map, we should be running into a little Mexican dog pretty soon."

"What? Lemme see that map!" Scar took the map away from his brother. "I don't see a dog. What the hell were you looking at?"

"It says _Chihuahua_ right next to the word _Desert_!" Abel pointed to what he was looking at on the map.

"That's because this is the Chihuahua Desert," Scar explained.

"Nuh uh! There's no _Chihuahua_ Desert! Chihuahuas are little Mexican dogs, so quit lying! Why do you always lie? Quit lying to your own brother! You're such a liar!"

Scar whacked Abel over the head with the map. "A dog has the same name as a desert. Get over it already."

"But that's so . . . _tacky_!" Abel whined.

"Yeah, I know. But we'll have to deal with it until we find a way out of here. That is, if our food and water supply don't run out 'til then." Scar and Abel only had enough money to bring along a box of gum and a bottle of water. They would have had so much more if they didn't blow all their cash on illegal fireworks and all you can eat buffets for every meal when they were back in Yahualica.

After a couple more minutes of walking, Abel declared, "I need to pee and there aren't any trees or bushes around here!"

Scar thought about Abel's statement for a while then asked, "Hey, I've been wondering something for a while. Ever since you lost your, um , y'know, how _do_ you pee?"

"They grew back after a while!"

"Whoa, awesome!" Scar held out a fist at his brother. "You deserve some props, man!" Abel complied by hitting his own fist against his brother's.

Scar and Abel became in a much lighter mood, but that didn't change the fact that they were utterly lost, and have been that way since Winter break. They've missed like four months of school!

_Back at the apartment, the last day of Spring break . . ._

"What a fantastic way to waste our last break from school," Ed retorted as he worked on his puppet theater only hours before school would start again. But he got smart this time around: he used alchemy to make perfect puppets out of paper bags and a cardboard box to make the set. He was done making the props in a matter of seconds, but still needed a script. "All we did was work."

Since Envy had already finished all of his homework, he went back to looking through the reports to see if they missed anything important. Wrath was asleep on the floor next to him. "Quit whining. Wrath and I had to do a ton of pointless work, too."

Ed started writing down his script. He went as far as writing his name and _seventh period Theater_, then asked, "Hey, Envy. What was your script about?"

"It was about a guy asking for help on his homework, and never receiving it," Envy replied sarcastically. He faked a sniffle. "It's such a sad story." Then he started throwing some papers around in hopes that he'll find whatever the hell he's looking for that way.

"C'mon, don't you think you owe me something? I mean, you're freakin' freeloading off me!"

"Correction: I'm freeloading off your brother. He's the one with a job." Then Envy found what he was looking for. "Aha! Hey, listen to this. It's something George wrote to his wife: _Hey, good news! I don't need the operation, so your kidney's safe! Remember Paco, that thing I've been telling you about? Well, I got the idea to put it next to my kidney, and just like that, I felt like I got a new one! Man, there was this red light and stuff. I should have taken a picture._"

" . . . Red light?"

"Sounds like the philosopher's stone, right?"

"But it could be one of those incomplete – wait no. Incomplete stones wouldn't be strong enough to move around countries. Hey, this is great! It finally sounds like we're not on a wild goose chase anymore!"

"Yeah, so if you get expelled, I'll kill you, okay?"

Ed shrugged. "Sounds fair, considering I _won't_ get expelled!"

Aztec Goddess: Well, since Scar and Abel haven't been going to school, consider them expelled. That leaves Ed, Envy, Roy, and Russell left. And just in case you're wondering: yes, there is a Chihuahua desert in Mexico.

To **sexylucifer** (ch 19): Yeah, I know. Now I feel so bad for putting my favorite character in son much pain! (cries for Envy)

To **Everto Angelus**: Yeah, there are so many possibilities when it comes to what Roy can do to Ed once they're back in school. But Ed doesn't need Roy to be in hell in this story!

To **sexylucifer** (ch 20): I always go easy on Al because he's so freakin' nice! I can't put him in horrible situations like his brother!

To **MetalWing Alchemist**: Heh, I only hope this ends way better than my last story! I seriously didn't know what to do in the last one, but I'm a little prepared this time!

To **Angel-of-Music1331**: Poor Abel didn't stand a chance. Hope to hear from you as soon as possible!

To **Nayru**: Considering Ed's luck, the chance of him surviving seems slim, but you just never know! And, hmm, Russell doesn't seem in any danger. I should change that.

To **nonesofar**: Um, the only thing I was able to read was I GO KILL EVIL COWS I LIKE. (gasp!) Are you admitting that you like cows? Don't worry; it's only natural to love animals with so many stomachs! Praise the cows!

To **CowNapkin**: Oh, I guess I'll never be able to see that show. That's weird, though. I thought I've seen every crazy show Fox has ever come up with. Maybe it was on WB? I'll check it out on the net when I have time.

To **Lil-Kudo**: Wow, that's crazy! Hey have you ever said something and then you hear the exact same thing on the radio? That used to happen to me so many times. I thought people were out to get me!

To **Iwin Ulose** (ch 19): Thanks, but I don't think ALL my chapters are that great. Man, I fell like I can't seem to beat my first chapter, but whatever. So have you seen all the episodes of Married With Children? Do you know how it ended?

To **Iwin Ulose** (ch 20): This is basically how much my cousin and I found about the movie: type 'Hagaren' in Google, and most of those Japanese sites should lead you to some trailers. But trailers are all we can find so far! (cries)


	22. Defined

Aztec Goddess: Yeah, I know this took a while, but that's 'cause I actually studied for summer school finals. But it's all over now, so YAY! I got all A's! Oh, and I don't own Ruffles.

Defined

The school year was coming to an end; so of course, everyone that hasn't been expelled yet was being crammed with homework. George Lopez hasn't been seen on campus in weeks, so that gave Ed and Envy so much more time for homework. Oh, joy. Poor Wrath was always left with no entertainment, so he often found himself visiting Greed and Gluttony.

Greed and Gluttony have recently moved into Greed's new favorite girlfriend's house. It wasn't hard for Wrath to find them though. All he had to do was look for the house with a crazed ex-boyfriend on the front lawn. But this ex-boyfriend looked oddly familiar . . .

The ex was banging on the front door, begging for entrance. Wrath, as usual, pretended that the ex wasn't even there and casually knocked on the door. "It's me, Wrath! The bundle of cuteness!" Wrath chimed.

Greed immediately opened the door, hitting the ex full in the face. "Hey!" Greed greeted Wrath. "How've you been? Come in!" As Wrath walked inside the house, the crafty ex found this his chance to hold the door open with his foot.

"Get out of my girlfriend's house!" he ordered Greed.

"What the hell are you talking about? She's been my girlfriend for _months_ now!" Greed replied. "Now go home before I call the cops on you."

"Um, that isn't saying much," Wrath commented.

The ex stared at Wrath for a while, then he realized something: "Hey, you're that kid I went to Mexico with!"

"Oh, that's right! You're Ruffles, the guy that likes my daddy!"

"Um, it's _Russell_ and what the hell do you mean by _daddy_?" Russell asked.

"Geez, everyone knows that Ed and Envy are Wrath's pretend parents," Greed replied as if Russell was the most retarded person in the world.

"Okay . . . That's nice and all, but LEMME SEE MY GIRLFRIEND!"

Greed pretended to think it over. "No. It's over between you and her."

"HOW COULD YOU BE SO SURE?"

"It's 'cause I'm Greed! I'm cool like that!"

Wrath nodded in agreement. "That's a very good point, y'know."

Russell sighed heavily. "You know what? This is all so stupid. I've got a diploma to get while you, Greed, are gonna get kicked out of the country by the end of the year!"

Greed chuckled a little. "You nerd!"

The thing Russell did in response was so impulsive and so idiotic that he might as well start writing his death wish. It all seemed like slow motion to Greed. Russell walked back a few steps with a stern look, one of his hands came close to his face, and only his middle finger was up. "Fuck you." Then he ran for dear life.

Wrath had most of his face covered by both his hands and he gasped dramatically. "Oh, he did NOT just do that!" He glanced at Greed and took a couple steps away from him in fear of what _he_ was going to do in response.

At first, Greed just stood there; utterly shocked by the fact that someone had flipped HIM off. Then he got this look on his face that said:_ and that's also gonna be the last time_.

_Meanwhile, in Mexico . . ._

Scar and Abel had made it to civilization alive! Don't ask how, because that's beyond anyone's knowledge. But the fact that they're Ishbalians, therefore used to harsh weather, probably has something to do with it. An airport was nowhere in sight, though. Plus, they didn't have the money for plane tickets anyway.

A friendly Mexican suggested that they go to the state capital where they can hopefully smuggle themselves onto a plane at the airport there. And so the brothers had to travel a little farther west until they saw a huge sign. Scar quickly read it to himself: "Bienvenidos a – oh, crap! Brother, don't look!" Scar immediately tackled his brother. They both fell face-first into the ground.

"What? Are we under attack?" Abel was seriously freaked out. Then he got a look at the sign: "Bienvenidos a . . . Chihuahua, Chihuahua? AAAHHHHHH!" Scar lost control of his brother, so Abel was running around the state capital like a crazy person in no time. "Where are all the Chihuahuas? Someone help me!"

Scar groaned. "Why did the capital of Chihuahua have to be Chihuahua?"

Scar chased after Abel and eventually cornered him inside someone's car. How'd that happen? Not even the owner of the car bothered to ask. "Come on, Abel. We need to leave this country, or at least this car. People are staring at us."

"Let them stare! I'm not coming out of here 'cause this is the only place I feel safe!" Abel pouted.

"I can't let you stay here!" Scar thought for a while. "Hey, how 'bout I buy you a drink?"

"With what money?"

Scar took the money he found on the ashtray. "See? That's already one problem solved!"

That calmed Abel down, so he agreed to get drunk with his brother at the nearest bar. They ended up drinking much more than they could afford, therefore, since that day, you can find these Ishbalian brothers trying to pay off their debt by working in several bars all throughout Mexico and Latin America. Oh, what an epic story!

_The next day, at Kelly High, first period . . ._

Ed and Envy couldn't help wondering why Russell was acting so odd that morning. He continually cussed under his breath and made a big deal out of everything like when Envy threw a rock at him in the middle of class. "Hey! What the hell is wrong with you? You think you're amusing? Well, do you know what would be really funny, huh? If Wrath broke his leg!"

Ed and Envy had to admit that Russell's outburst was amusing, but far from funny. "Hey, leave Wrath out of this!" Envy yelled back. "I was just gonna ask you what you did to Greed. He called last night and said very interesting things that I can't tell you since it'll ruin the surprise."

"I didn't do anything! He's the one who stole my girlfriend!" It's amazing that the rest of the class was completely ignoring this conversation. They're very courteous, I guess.

"Loser," Ed commented. If you haven't noticed, Ed and Russell can't really be considered friends anymore.

"Shut up, Lalo. You've never even had a girlfriend before."

"Stop calling me that! It's annoying!"

"Oh, and you don't mind being called _nene_?"

"That's because _nene_ suits him better," Envy commented.

Yeah," Ed nodded in agreement, even though he wasn't sure if he should have. If he remembered correctly, _nene_ is the literal translation for a male infant. Why didn't this bother him? It just doesn't sound like a big deal the way Envy says it. But now, Ed can't stop wondering why Envy says it in the first place.

While Envy and Roy kept on exchanging suspicious looks in second period, Ed tried to come up with some answers to his question on his own. He'd ask Envy for the right answer, but that would seem weird. Ed came up with only one realistic explanation: his height, or lack thereof. Needless to say, that bothered him even more.

Roy stuck his tongue out at Envy. Envy flipped him off in response. Then Roy did the rudest thing a person can do according to Shakespeare: he bit his thumb at Envy. "Oh, no he _didn't_!" Envy growled under his breath.

Envy couldn't take it anymore. He took a notepad and pencil out and started writing out a brilliant plan to get Roy expelled.

Ed was still deep in thought in third period, which isn't very smart since Alvarez was teaching his class a bunch of new words that are pretty much useless, but will be in the finals anyway. It's stuff like plants and animals you would never see on a daily basis.

_Why 'nene'?_ Ed kept on thinking. _It's not like he treats me like a baby. And why is everyone looking at me? They think I'm stupid? Or does Envy think I'm stupid and that's why he calls me a nene?_

Envy jabbed at Ed with his pencil until he started bleeding. "Hey, nene. You paying attention?"

"Um, yeah, sure," Ed mumbled as he rubbed his arm and momentarily wondered where the blood came from.

"Then why aren't you answering the teacher? He's calling on you."

"Elric," Alvarez repeated himself over and over.

Ed snapped out of his delirious moment. "Um, huh?"

"Translate the following words for me: pavo real."

"Peacock."

"Mona."

"Doll."

"_Monkey_," Alvarez corrected Ed. Ed looked confused for a moment, then shrugged it off. Then Alvarez continued: "Buey." (sounds like _way_)

"Um . . . friend?"

"That would be _güey_ (also sounds like _way_)," Alvarez corrected him again. "And it also means _idiot_, so watch how you use it. But anyway, a buey is an ox."

"Wha . . ." Now Ed was painfully confused. "But I went to Mexico and heard people call dolls _monas_ and their friends _bueys_ or whatever you said!"

"Oh, well, that's too bad 'cause the school expects you to learn _proper_ Spanish, even though it isn't all that common."

"But . . . huh?"

"Words can change meanings due to a lot of things. It's like that in every language, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess . . ." What the teacher just said gave Ed so much more to think about. _So 'nene' could mean something completely different from 'infant'? Then what the hell has Envy been calling me?_

Fourth period was the time for Envy to suffer. They had an in-class essay on whatever Dante told them to write about. But Envy got a special topic: Why I don't have the philosopher's stone yet and why I don't wear pants as often as I should. And Envy had no way around this since Dante stood right next to him all period.

Envy began to write his thesis statement: _The philosopher's stone is a bitch to get your hands on and pants are not for those with nice legs._

"Don't be a smart ass, or I'll fail you," Dante politely whispered to Envy, so he rewrote his statement. _I'll get the stone once nene graduates and pants are not for those with nice legs._ "I refuse to wait that long." _Too bad then, because that's what the principal agreed to. _"Are you certain he has it?" _Sure_. "And about you wearing –" L_eave my sense of style alone!_ "Okay, fine. I'll give you the rest of the period to make a real essay out of what you wrote. A minimum of six paragraphs, remember?" _. . . You bastard._

Envy had to stay in class through lunch, as Dante intended. This gave Ed twenty-nine whole minutes of alone time to ponder the whole _nene_ thing – or so he thought. Russell came up to him to have a little talk, and he didn't look too friendly. He sat himself across Ed on a table.

"Hey, there's something I need to know," Russell started. "Why the hell do you hang out with the homunculi more than the military? Which side are you on?"

Ed shrugged. "There really aren't any sides. Besides, who would you rather hang out with: cute little Wrath or big scary Armstrong?"

It took Russell a while to respond. "Okay, you've got a point there, but still, homunculi aren't known to be good guys."

"They're not as bad as you think either. If this is about Envy or Greed, it's all your fault, y'know."

Russell stood up and banged his fists on the table. "Don't act like you know what –"

"What I do know is that _you're _the one that asked Envy out and you shouldn't have tried anything to get your girlfriend back from _Greed_. See? It's all your fault!"

"What kind of logic is that? You know what? You suck! I'm not gonna talk to you anymore!" With that said, Russell left.

"Well, what a nice waste of time," Ed said to himself. "Now what was I thinking earlier? Oh, yes. _Nene_ . . ."

Fifth and sixth period are always so uneventful, so Ed was given a lot of time to think. Envy had become deep in thought as well. During lunch, he had a conversation with Dante that was really making him doubt that the philosopher's stone was in their reach. If only George Lopez was around to clear things up . . . Why was he taking so many personal days near the end of the school year?

_Meanwhile, right outside of campus . . ._

Greed has been waiting patiently right in front of Kelly High's door for like two minutes now. His plan for revenge will take place as soon as Russell exits these door, which should be any moment now.

Greed's plan was simple – for a homunculus, that is. And it should be more than enough to get rid of Russell once and for all. And the best thing about it: it's completely risk-free for him!

_Back with Ed and Envy, in seventh period . . ._

Hoganson was absent – well, he's been absent for several days, actually – and the new sub had no freaking clue on how to teach Theater. Envy convinced him that all Theater does is walk around campus to search for inspiration until the next time they have to perform in front of an audience. The sub bought it, so just about everyone happily went straight home.

"Um, why'd you tell the sub that?" Ed asked Envy as they walked down a hallway.

"Because I was given the chance to make things easier for myself." Envy started walking at a faster pace. "You see, I told Greed I'd help him with something, so see you later, okay nene?" Then Envy sped down the corridor to the main entrance.

Ed stood in place for a while. " . . . That word again." At this rate, that word would eat at his insides for the rest of his life until he learns the truth behind it. He had to ask someone that would surely know: Alvarez. So Ed ran to his Spanish class in hopes that the teacher would still be there. Ed swung the door open and alas . . . no one was there. "Aw, c'mon! I'm due for a break!" he whined.

Then Ed noticed the top paper on Alvarez's desk: the grades sheet. A peek wouldn't hurt, right? He casually walked over to the desk and skimmed down the list. Envy had a 100 percent. Whatever. The other homunculi were crossed out. Ed's name was right below all of them. First, he slowly examined all the grades he got so far. There were tons of D's and F's in the very beginning, then they slowly rose up to C's. And right after Winter Break, they were all A's, giving Ed the average grade of a solid B!

"Holy crap! I'm not failing! Yay-yeah!" Ed wrapped his arms around the thing closest to him, which happened to be Alvarez. "Hey, since when were you here?" Ed immediately backed off, knowing that Alvarez doesn't like being touched.

"Um, I came here to lock the door and grab my stuff since I forgot. But what the hell are you doing here?"

"I need you!" Ed realized he should have reworded that a little too late.

Alvarez looked really disturbed. "Are you like this around everyone, or just with me?"

"No, it's just I need to know what _nene_ means! Is it one of those words with a lot of meanings?"

"Well, yeah. . ." Alvarez began to grab his stuff off his desk and put it in his suitcase. "Wait, that guy who sits next to you calls you that, huh? Please tell me he's your cousin, or something."

"Why?"

"'Cause it's . . . wrong for a guy to call another guy that unless they're blood related or . . ." Alvarez shuddered then headed out the door. "Get out of the room unless you wanna spend the night here."

Ed followed his teacher out the door. "So then what does it mean when a relative says it?"

"It just means that they're older than you. They're not saying you're a baby or-" Alvarez's sentence was cut short from several screams coming from the front of school followed by ambulance sirens. " . . . What the hell?"

"Crap. I think I know who's behind this." And so Ed sped to the main entrance in hopes that what just happened isn't as bad as he thinks.

Aztec Goddess: Wow! There were twenty reviews for the last chapter! (cries dramatically) Damn, that's so much! Thank you all!

To **Everto Angelus**: Holy crap! That would be so sad if Envy turns into the next Oprah-obsessed freak on the couch! I don't I can put him through so much disgrace!

To **The Mysterious One1** (ch 1): Making Roy act drunk is so much fun! That's all I gotta say here.

To **The Mysterious One1** (ch 2): I think Ed does look cute in a girl's uniform! It fits him so much better than the boy's one!

To **The Mysterious One1** (ch 3): Yeah, I know he doesn't 'cause you actually see his legs in the anime. Hey, does this mean he hasn't gone through puberty yet?

To **The Mysterious One1** (ch 4): Heh, did the guy ever figure out what he said. And yes, that does sound like a good idea, but I think it's too late to add it in this story.

To **The Mysterious One1** (ch 5): Don't worry, Ed is buried in too much crap to kill you right now!

To **The Mysterious One1** (ch 6): Okay, I believe you.

To **The Mysterious One1** (ch 7): Really? So you throw away the masa instead?

To **Lil-Kudo**: Yes, Ed does have his child to think about, but Wrath is Envy's "son", too! But what's it make you wonder? How Ed is the mommy and Envy's the daddy? . . . Hm, I guess they do act like a married couple in some parts . . . Wow, that family is just plain confused!

To **Kagome Tendo**: Oh, sorry. Well, most, if not all, of my spoilers really aren't all that accurate. It's like if I were to say: As Ed walks up the altar to marry Envy, he crashes into an iceberg and dies. And that's how Full Metal Alchemist ends! . . . Don't worry, that doesn't really happens. But if it did, man, I wouldn't be able to stop laughing!

To **Spearette**: Damn! Are there any stories here 190 chapters long? If so, then, wow. Oh, and thank you for saying that this is the best story you've read so far! It means a lot to me!

To **Nayru**: There. Russell's in danger! Hopefully he'll get out of his own mess alive! Well, that's what he gets for letting me abandon him!

To **AnimeCrasherz**: Yay, I knew there were a lot of Mexicans here! But then again, we're everywhere! Well, only two more chapters to go. We'll see if you're wondering correctly in a little while!

To **Kitsune Freak**: Nope, reviews can only be written in normal format. Those bastards! They're not giving anyone the chance to stand out or anything! Oh, and keep the kidney thing in mind.

To **Iwin Ulose**: Heh, to tell the truth, I rush just about every chapter due to my wanting to finish one in a single day. But it's weird though. I took only about an hour to write the first chapter with only one thought in mind: high school! I guess it's just gets harder to make things flow after a while, even though it should theoretically get easier. .

To **Kawaii-Akuhei**: Um, well, if you've read this far, then it looks like Ed and Envy are gonna get along. After all, they've got Wrath to think about!

To **CowNapkin**: Hey, I remember something about a stuffed bunny this guy talks to in his basement! Maybe I have seen that show before, but I don't really remember it.

To **nonesofar**: Oh, I didn't see the word momo. And there are cows in San Francisco? Man, next time I go, I'll keep an eye out for them!

To **nadisrad**: Chapters can be blocked? Man, since when? Those bastards . . . And, wow, Florida doesn't sound so great. And. . . LOL! Now I can't stop imagining Roy doing the ghetto snapping thing!

To **Ghostlyfire**: Wow, that's a crazy coincidence. The Chihuahua thing, I mean. And yes, poor Havoc, getting all messed up due to the little incident in Winter formal.


	23. Happy Break

Aztec Goddess: Second to last chapter! (cries) It's so close to the end! And I believe this is now the longest chapter I've ever written. Oh, and a little note to **Iwin Ulose**: You're the third person to read my mind! Even though that makes me all paranoid, you deserve a cookie for your mad skills!

Happy Break

Hughes woke up from his desk one afternoon and took a good look around himself. The wallpapers were peeling like crazy, reports and dirty laundry replaced whatever the floor once was, and a crazy homeless lady was sleeping in a corner. "Wow, since when did things get this bad?" Hughes whispered to himself as he silently crept out of his room, being extremely careful to not wake up the stranger.

As Hughes made his way to a bathroom, a very angry Gracia blocked his path. "Maes Hughes, how much longer do you expect us to live in this dump?" She had her arms crossed and was impatiently tapping a foot.

"Hey, we can go back home anytime, but don't you think it's much more fun living here?" Hughes made a very good point. There wasn't much to do at their house.

Gracia rolled her eyes. "We need to at least clean this place up. What if some of your friends graduate? Isn't this still going to be your guys' HQ?"

"The only guys still in high school are Ed and Roy. Wow, this is gonna be one sad military." Hughes laughed at this. "What am I talking about? It's gonna be great! Roy's gonna finally be the Fuhrer and I'll be right below him!"

Gracia slapped her forehead. "You're missing the point. No work will ever get done. We'll all have to depend on those stupid cops for everything."

"But I'll still get paid for what little work I do!" Hughes declared triumphantly. "Hey, let's throw a reunion party! It might be the last time the former military will be able to hang out, so please?" He clasped his hands together as a hopeful plea.

Gracia's face softened and she sighed. "Okay, go ahead and throw a reunion party. But I want this place cleaned up beforehand. And we also need to look for Elysia. I can't seem to find her this morning through all the mess!"

"Eep! Elysia!" And so Hughes commenced to clean up all the mess he has made in the past several months.

The things you can find while cleaning up are simply amazing. Under Fury's desk, Hughes found the torn rubber band Hawkeye borrowed and Hughes knew it was his because he wrote his initials on it. Not wanting to know what the rubber band was doing there, Hughes simply dug a hole under the desk and had a little funeral for his beloved rubber band. Well, the hole just made another mess Hughes had to clean up.

Even when Hughes was cleaning out his own office, he made a few discoveries. The neon pink pants he thought he burned to hell must have come back from the grave and was perched on a lamp under several other tacky layers of clothing. The homeless lady had made a nest out of crucial reports concerning the homunculi. Hughes felt bad for having to kick the lady out, so he let her keep her nest.

Since Hughes had crashed one of his cars into Roy's office, he had to start building a new wall. Amidst the totaled wall, Hughes found a sleeping Elysia all cuddled up in that pink fluffy stuff you find inside walls. He moved his daughter aside and rebuilt the office good as new with papier-mâché.

Hughes felt like he had accomplished enough for two hours, so he went to the entrance hall to watch some TV. He flopped onto the couch, grabbed the remote, never wondering how technology advanced so suddenly, and got ready to watch his favorite show _Non-Metal Normal Guy_, but it was tragically replaced by breaking news.

"Aw, why today?" Hughes whined. But he watched the breaking news anyway since it's probably on every channel. Plus, the background caught his attention: Kelly High. People were screaming frantically in the background and even the news lady looked freaked out. In fact, she was crying. How unprofessional of her!

"Sorry for the tears, but . . . we are witnesses to . . . the death of my boyfriend!" the news lady sobbed. She pointed a finger at a certain blonde and bloodstained teen that was having the crap beaten out of him by cops and some of Greed's girlfriends. "That . . . BASTARD named Russell Tringham is to blame for the unhappiness of so many women in Central!"

The news lady held her microphone out at a student that witnessed the attack. "It was crazy!" he said. "Russell wouldn't stop beating the shit out of that guy! He was really pissed about losing his girlfriend. Geez, _I _learned to live with that problem!"

"And . . . the attack took place right here?" the news lady asked.

The student pointed to the main entrance of Kelly High, which was also bloodstained. "Right at the entrance. Some of the fight took place inside the school, but I didn't see that. But then I saw Greed try to escape and that's when Russell jumped him and rammed Greed's face on the concrete. It was sick, man."

"But I didn't even _touch_ Greed!" Russell cried as he was utterly defenseless at the moment. "AH! He beat himself up! He killed _himself_!"

"You take us as idiots!" Envy shrieked. He was doing a great job pretending to be just as devastated as everyone else. He kicked Russell on his side. "His blood's all over you!"

"That's 'cause you freakin' shoved me on top of him!" Russell yelled back.

"How could you accuse me of anything, you monster!" By then, Envy had managed some fake tears. "Why do you have to be such a horrible person? First, you wouldn't stop pressuring me for sex when we were going out! Then you wanted to get back at me by going out with some random girl that happens to be one of _Greed's_ girlfriends! And now THIS! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Then Ed ran out of the high school. "Hey, what'd I miss?" The first things he saw were Greed's bloody body getting treated by paramedics, a bunch of rabid cops and women beating the crap out of Russell, and Envy crying. " . . . Holy shit. What happened here?"

"Nene!" Envy ran up to Ed while wiping away his fake tears. "It's horrible! Russell _killed_ Greed!"

That word again. So far, it has made Ed offended, confused, neutral, disturbed, and now . . . happy! That's because he now knows that Envy truly sees him as a half-brother without the almost-but-not-quite-due-to-a-technicality part. There was no more hate between them, just an occasional strong dislike. And with Al and Wrath in the picture, he had a complete – yet odd – family! Aw!

Ed looked around at all the blood and gore going on. "Um, let's go home, Envy. You've got some explaining to do."

_At the apartment, several minutes later . . ._

Ed, Envy, and Wrath saw the rest of the breaking news on TV. It was announced that Russell's trial will be held on the weekend and the presence of any witnesses would be greatly appreciated.

"What? My pimptastic brother is dead?" Wrath cried. "I never even got to say goodbye!" He clung on to Envy and cried in his chest.

"Are you forgetting that he's a _homunculus_?" Envy asked.

Ed just realized that, too. "But then how's the idea that Russell _killed_ him gonna work when Greed is probably fully healed by now?"

"The fact is that Russell technically _did_ kill Greed," Envy pointed out.

"Oh, yeah. So lemme see if I got this right: _You're_ the one who was beating up Greed, and _you_ basically killed him . . . so how did the real Russell end up with Greed's blood all over himself?"

"The other side of the main entrance was really crowded, so it was easy to change back to normal, grab the real Russell from the crowd, and fling him at the dying Greed. No one even noticed me! That was great. Too bad that wasn't Roy though."

"Got any plans to get him expelled?"

"I have some vague ideas so far. But what about you? How hard have you tried to get him expelled?"

"I tried very hard in Winter Formal! We flipped a coin and I almost won!" Ed defended himself, even though that statement wasn't very effective.

"And you ended up back in a skirt because of that," Envy retorted. " . . . But what would have happened if you won?"

Ed smiled at his remembrance, then got a disturbed look on his face when he actually imagined it. "Roy would have had to come to school naked and write _George Lopez sucks_ on a wall."

Wrath giggled at this. Then he saw the intrigued look on Envy's face. "You're not really thinking of doing that, are you Daddy?"

Ed looked even more disturbed. "Oh, crap. Why'd I even tell you?"

"Hey, I have shame!" Envy declared. "I won't do _that_, but that gives me an idea!"

_Three days later, with the Hughes family . . ._

In merely three short days, Maes Hughes had completely fixed up HQ all by himself! It was remarkable to see everything in its place and shining out of cleanliness once again. And it was a Friday, the best day for a party! Tons of tables and food were already set in the entrance hall.

"Aw, I am so proud of you, honey!" Gracia squealed as she hugged her husband. And do you know what she was doing the entire time Hughes was cleaning? Eating bonbons and watching Oprah.

"So can I have my little reunion now?" Hughes begged.

"Have you sent the invitations already?"

"Um . . . I'll go invite everyone personally!" And so Hughes rushed off to all of the former militarists' homes.

No, Hughes didn't go on foot since that would take too long. He simply rode his car around and quickly stopped by at the houses to tell them about his reunion. So far, everyone that got expelled or didn't even go to Kelly High in the first place thought that this would do them some good. After all, they were only being lazy bums the entire time.

But Hughes had a problem with getting Roy to come. First of all, no one was opening the door. Hughes thought that the right thing to do was to break through one of the windows. But no one was home. "Oh, well," Hughes said to himself as he climbed back out the window. "I don't have time to look for him. Hey, I'm almost done! Only Ed and Al are left!"

It was easy for Hughes to find the right apartment room since the door was wide open and the Elric brothers could be heard complaining about something. It was possibly directed to the old stranger lady standing by the door. "Graduation is next week, and none of you have heard from the principal yet?" she asked in an annoyed voice.

"Why do you keep on coming over here?" Al whined. "I pay rent so it's my apartment!"

"Geez, you're too impatient. Why do _you_ need the stone anyway?" Ed whined.

"Tell the old lady to go away, Daddy!" Wrath whined at Envy.

Hughes didn't recognize Wrath's voice, so what he said confused him. "Um, is this a bad time . . ." he started as he walked up to the door and stood next to Dante. "Who's this lady?"

"She's an evil, annoying, old lady!" Wrath replied. He was quivering behind Envy, another unfamiliar face to Hughes.

"Well, if that's the case . . ." Hughes took out his wallet and showed it to Dante as it unfolded, revealing a hundred pictures of Elysia. "Have you met my daughter?" he squealed.

Dante backed off. "Oh, no. I've heard of you!" She rushed out of the apartment, screaming for help. No one took her seriously though. She's pretty damn old, so she could have been hallucinating for all everyone else knew.

Envy tilted his head at Hughes. "You look oddly familiar . . ."

"Really? I don't believe we've ever met," Hughes replied as he folded the pictures back up into his wallet. "Anyway, I'm here to invite you all to my reunion at HQ tonight! Bring as many friends as you want! There's always room for more!" With that said, Hughes headed back to HQ to make more preparations.

"Wow, that guy scared Dante!" Wrath gasped. He seemed terrified. "Can we trust him?"

"Of course!" Al replied. "Mister Hughes is one of the nicest guys in the world!"

"But can we afford slacking off?" Ed asked, worried about school. "I wanna do well in the finals. What if I get really drunk?"

"Then you'll do so much better in Spanish class," Envy pointed out.

"Oh, that's right. Then let's buy some beer and head over to HQ!" Yes, what a very common thing for a militarist to say.

_At the reunion party, a couple hours later . . ._

It seems as if everyone that came to the reunion brought a six-pack or two. They must have forgotten that Ed's a minor, or they most likely don't even care. Before everyone got hopelessly drunk, there was about an hour of reminiscing.

When Ed met up with Winry and Havoc there, he asked, "So when did you move out anyway? And who have you been living with?"

"Oh, I've been living with Jean Havoc ever since Al blocked the TV from my view." Winry replied. "He's great 'cause he shares my love of Oprah!" She wrapped an arm around Havoc, but he seemed unfazed. He just kept on giving Ed a blank stare.

"Are you feeling alright, Havoc?" Ed asked as he was about to wave an arm in front of Havoc's face.

"Ah! Don't touch me!" Havoc squeaked as he sought refuge behind Winry.

"He's afraid of you for some reason. What'd you do to him, Ed?" Winry asked.

This caused Ed to remember what Envy said about Havoc: _Don't ask_. Ed supposed he didn't want to know the answer, so he shrugged it off and went off to see more of his old friends.

Some of the female militarists had invited Greed to come, so he was there on a couch, surrounded by dozens of women. They kept on begging him to retell his epic story of struggling to come back to life for the sake of so many women. And they also enjoyed talking shit about Russell.

After talking to just about everyone else in the room, Ed realized something odd. "Hey, Hawkeye. Have you seen Roy?" Ed asked the pissed-off Hawkeye sitting at a table, already getting drunk. Ed got his own beer and started drinking, too.

"Not since he stood me up at Homecoming," Hawkeye spat. She took a chug of her beer. "And I heard that he bought himself a little girlfriend a while back. I'LL KILL THAT BASTARD THE NEXT TIME I SEE HIM!"

Envy, who was scolding Wrath for trying to sneak a drink not too far from Ed, heard what Hawkeye said, and that delighted him. "Hey, if you wanna kill Roy tomorrow, you can see him in court at noon!" he declared triumphantly.

"What did you do, Envy?" Ed asked, having a good idea that Envy must have gotten Roy in trouble to try to get him expelled.

"Something so simple –" Envy's sentence was cut short by the sound of a heavily drunken Hawkeye collapsing on the floor. "Aw, she won't remember what I told her now!" he whined.

"But what did you do to Roy?"

"I disguised myself as a Mexican and told him really crappy jokes. That made him say something bad to a very powerful person . . . You'll see tomorrow right after Russell's case, so just go ahead and drink your ass off while you have the chance."

_The next day . . ._

The odds were more than against Russell, they were crushing him. As the defendant, Russell sat in the stand in the courtroom to state his plea. "I didn't do anything." That's the best he could do considering no one wanted to be his lawyer and he had no evidence to support himself.

Greed's lawyer (probably another girlfriend) rose up from her seat and asked, "Then why do all the other witnesses claim otherwise?"

"I dunno! Damn, this is so stupid!" Russell pointed an accusing finger at Envy, who was sitting alongside all of the other witnesses. "She, he, whatever, set me up!"

"He's only saying that 'cause I'm his ex!" Envy blurted out.

The lawyer raised a hand to signal silence, for she had another question for Russell. "Sir, is it true that your other girlfriend is now one of Greed's?"

" . . . Yes." Russell answered.

"Is it true that you were angry enough to give him the finger?"

"Yes."

"So couldn't you have been angry enough to kill him?"

"Objection! He's not dead! He's sitting right next to you!"

"So?" Greed shrugged. "I was still legally dead."

"I have reached a verdict," the judge said. "Russell Tringham, you are charged with first-degree murder. You are sentenced to twenty years in prison." He finished the verdict by hitting the mallet thingy to his desk. "Case closed."

Fletcher jumped out of the moving crowd and ran up to the judge. "But that's so long! What will happen to _me_?" he whined.

"You can join your brother if you like. I've heard that the prison here isn't so bad since the personnel are so nice."

"Um, okay . . ." So Fletcher was escorted out the door by some guards with his cussing brother.

Pretty soon, everyone in the courtroom was gone except for the judge, some guards, Envy, and a sleeping Ed. Envy nudged at Ed and said, "Wake up, you drunkard. You're gonna miss Roy's trial."

Ed lifted his head up from the chair next to himself. "No, _mi_ licuado de leche es mejor que el tuyo!"

**Translation: "No, _my_ milkshake is better than yours!" **(I don't clam ownership of that song)

"I didn't ask you to _speak_, just _listen_."

Ed rubbed his eyes. "But I can speak! It just that I had a weird dream . . . Hey, where's Wrath?"

"He stayed at home with Al since you let him get so drunk last night."

"It's not my fault!" Ed got all defensive. "I thought _you_ were watching him!"

"He was with _you_ the entire time! I took my eyes off him for a minute and the next thing I knew, the both of you were so drunk, man, you even found that Armstrong guy attractive!"

Ed looked like he was about to throw up. "I didn't do anything . . . _bad_, right?"

"Nah, you couldn't even stand up half the time."

Ed sighed of relief. As Envy and Ed were talking, the room had already filled up with a bunch of other people. Roy had been escorted to the stand by cops and it looked like he couldn't get a lawyer, either. The plaintiff sat next to Ed. She was a chubby, young-looking woman.

"So are you gonna tell me what you did?" Ed tried to whisper to Envy, but it came out rather loud. Envy shushed him in response.

"The case of Roy Mustang against Ana Serrano will now begin," the judge declared. He turned to Roy. "Your offence is very serious. How do you plea?"

"Um . . . what _is_ my offence?" Roy asked, utterly dazed.

The judged turned to Ana to show that he wanted her to answer. She stood up and said to the audience, "Mister Roy Mustang came up to me and said _Mexicans are not funny_." After all the gasps and cussing at Roy calmed down, she continued, "And that is beyond offending to my husband, George Lopez." More gasps from the crowd commenced.

"Oh, dear God," the judge said. "George Lopez? The man who has been trying to harmonize this world with the _other side_? This means at least a month's worth of community service."

Roy looked really freaked out. He cursed under his breath. "I'm sorry! I didn't know that you were his wife!" he pleaded to Ana. "I . . . I meant to say that _Cubans_ are not funny!"

"_I'm_ Cuban," Ana replied.

"Really? You look white!" Ed blurted out. That's what he gets for drinking too much the night before. The entire courtroom became dead silent. No one knew it was Ed who said that; they just looked at the general area around him. Ed looked around curiously, wondering why no one was saying anything.

Envy hid his face in his hands. "You dumbass," he muttered, mostly to himself. "And we're so freakin' close to graduation . . ."

Ana looked at the people around herself. "Who said that?" she demanded, sounding really pissed.

Ed was too freaked out to respond. "If no one responds, the entire courtroom will go on trial," the judge said.

Ed knew what he had to do. He slowly raised a quivering hand, but then Envy stopped it and raised his other hand. "I said it," Envy said. He looked around the courtroom. "Um, sorry?"

The judge banged his mallet thingy again. "I have had enough of this case. You," he said to Envy, "you, will do fifty hours of community service. And you, Roy," he said to Roy, "you will do _two_ _hundred _hours of community service. I hope this teaches you two to not offend George Lopez's _wife_! Case dismissed."

"But I don't have time for that!" Roy whined.

"Yeah, what about school?" Envy whined.

"You two simply won't be able to graduate since you'll be too busy to be present on the last week of school. Plus, George Lopez is your _principal_. He most likely wouldn't want people like you two as students in his school. Oh, and community service starts tomorrow morning at the library."

Ed was pretty much sober when he and Envy were walking home. They were walking in silence until Ed said, "You didn't have to do that, y'know."

Envy shrugged. "What use would I have with a high school diploma? It's not like I planned to get a job."

"But this just adds to another thing I owe you!"

Envy sighed. "You dumbass. Real brothers don't expect to get paid back _all_ the time!"

Ed's eyes lit right up. "Brother!" He jumped onto Envy's back.

"Hey, what the hell?"

"I'm still dizzy. Carry me home!"

"Fine, but you owe me for _this_!"

_Graduation day . . ._

Ed woke up that morning, feeling great for once. It's because he has forgotten how it was like to have crappy luck all the time. The finals were over, and he was completely confident he did well on every subject. And he was mighty proud that he's gonna be the one and only graduate other than Hughes in his group.

At the beginning of the school year, Ed would have never dreamed that he'd associate himself with any of the homunculi. But now he has a motherly relationship with Wrath and a brotherly one with Envy, and he couldn't be happier. Plus, this is the day George Lopez will present him with the philosopher's stone! Ed thought nothing could possibly go wrong.

But on his way to school, he tripped over a sidewalk crack and hit his head on an inconveniently placed newspaper stand. "You think you can ruin my day?" Ed yelled at the newspaper stand. "Well, think again 'cause . . . oh, hell no . . ." Ed read and reread the front page and could still not believe what he saw. "No, it better not be . . . Why now?"

Ed kicked the newspaper stand and headed the rest of the way to school in a much different mood. No, it wasn't anger or sadness. It was anxiety. Exactly what did Ed read?

_Local Educator Dies of Sudden Kidney Failure_

Aztec Goddess: And Ed's the winner when it comes to who graduates! But what's gonna happen in the last chapter?

To **Everto Angelus**: Yep, Ed's slow. Ed: (twenty minutes later) . . . Hey, I am not!

To **Spearette**: Damn, that'll be the longest Harry Potter book ever! Especially if each chapter equals to thirty pages. Whoa. Hey, I'm gonna try to find a fic like that! I probably won't be able to read it, but I wanna know if it exists!

To **MetalWing Alchemist**: You can look at my profile for an elaborate explanation on nene. And as for the biting your thumb thing, I have no freakin' clue what that means. I just know that it led to a swordfight in the beginning of Romeo and Juliet.

To **Nayru**: Well, there you have it. Russell didn't make it to graduation day!

To **Ghostlyfire**: What happened to Hoganson should be crystal clear in the next chapter, which happens to be the last chapter. Op. Grad. is just about over!

To **nonesofar**: That makes us like twins! Except for the fact that you hate milk.

To **The Blimp Alchemist **(ch 1): Hopefully you didn't write this just to be mean, but just so you know, my story is like this because this is how I decided to write it. And that's all there is to it.

To **The Blimp Alchemist** (ch 2): I think you're too hardcore for your own good. If you wanna write for fun, then why don't you let others do the same? Now that I know your rep. on it's pretty damn hard to take you seriously. Gotta say sorry for that, too. I pity you.

To **AnimeCrasherz**: No Ed x Envy! It's just that I know a lot of people who call younger relatives nene or nena just because they're younger. And that's why Envy calls Ed that. And it also makes Ed sound small! XP

To **Lil-Kudo**: I was hoping that someone would understand the Shakespeare part, 'cause that confuses me, too! It's annoying when you can never fully understand something. Damn you, Shakespeare! Oh, and you can see my profile about the nene thing.

To **sexylucifer**: Yay! And here I was thinking that you were gonna take another long break!

To **nadisrad**: Thanks, I am proud now! And I'm gonna start doing some black and white fan art soon since coloring is such a pain in the ass. I'm also back with using xanga (AztecGoddess) and I've been trying to go to yours, but I guess you have a lot of pics up since my computer acts retarded when I try to go there.  I'll try again later.

To **CowNapkin**: Yeah, poco means little, but that's not talking about height. It's like: Ed has little luck in this fan fic.

To **Iwin Ulose**: See? You read my mind! How? (checks under lamps and couches to see if you're around here) Aw, I don't know how you look like anyway. Maybe I'm just obvious like that. (shrugs then checks behind the TV) Aha! Oh, wait, that's just my bunny.

To **Kitsune Freak**: Oh, I didn't know you had a fic up already. I always review to reviewers unless they're writing about something I don't know about. And you don't need a Spanish dictionary. You've got the internet, and once you learn the basics, chug some beer and _poof_ you're fluent!

To **rya-tabry**: No need to beg 'cause I love writing this story! Too bad it's just about over though . . . Now I need to come up with a new storyline.

To **ooOAnimeChildOoo**: I believe Hawkeye was the very first person to get expelled, so she doesn't get too many appearances here. But she had a little one in this chapter!


	24. Graduation

Aztec Goddess: Last chapter! I'm happy, yet sad . . . and now confused.

Graduation

How's prison life like in Central? Quite pleasant, actually. Lust, Sloth, Pride, Russell, and Fletcher were enjoying their days in cozy little cells and three square meals a day. That's a big improvement considering that they've been living in cramp apartments and sometimes too poor to eat every day.

Plus, each prisoner's cell is simply gorgeous. They have each been designed exclusively for each prisoner's personal interests. Lust's cell was filled with only the best works of art she can destroy with her nails. Sloth had a small swimming pool in her cell. The main thing in Pride's cell was a huge plasma TV where he could watch his huge collection of romantic movies. Russell had a huge poster of a female Envy . . . that he throws darts at. Needless to say, he's completely over Envy. And Fletcher's room was filled with plants, of course.

The judge was right; the prison isn't so bad and the personnel are so nice. Due to all this, Russell and Fletcher have made it their goal to live in this wonderful place the rest of their lives.

Things have been going great for the homunculi as well. They have completely forgotten why they didn't want to be imprisoned in the first place. Then Dante paid them a visit on graduation day. First, she woke up Lust and Sloth, their cells being right next to each other. "Get up, you lazy homunculi! I'm bailing you all out!"

Sloth lazily sat up from her fluffy, king sized bed. She rubbed her eyes, stretched a little, and yawned. Then she started running her fingers through her hair to get out what little tangles she has.

"Could you be any slower, Sloth?" Dante spat.

"Oh, hi Dante," Sloth yawned again. " . . . Wait, _Dante_? What are you doing here?"

Lust took a while to get out of bed, too. But she was already at the front of her cell, angrily grasping the bars. "Leave us alone, Dante! We don't want to be bailed out!"

"You can't be serious," Dante replied. She glanced around the cells near her. "Hm, I could have sworn that some militarist should be here."

"You want to bail us out?" Sloth asked dramatically. "But why? You really hate to see us happy, don't you? Life in this prison is the best gift anyone could ever get! We don't even have to pay for anything!"

"As you can see, we're being serious," Lust began to answer Dante's questions. "And all the militarists that were ever sentenced here have bailed themselves out one they started missing their family or remembered that they left the kitchen stove on. Stuff like that."

Pride was trying to watch one of his movies in a cell nearby, but Dante and the other homunculi were distracting him. "It's nine a.m.!" He called out. "When did you guys decide to wake up at this time of day?"

"Sorry!" Sloth and Lust immediately replied. Then Lust started whispering to Dante. "Rudeness is not allowed here. So, please leave us in peace."

Dante shook her head. "Every single one of you homunculi have led me to believe that the principal has the philosopher's stone. Therefore, I would like you all to be present at the graduation ceremony."

"Oh, that's right. Graduation's today," Sloth mused. Then she asked Dante, "So shouldn't you be there right now?"

"I'm only a substitute teacher, and not even a real one," Dante answered. "I hate people and I have no experience in teaching. That's exactly what I told the staff, and they let me right in. Sad, huh?"

_At Kelly High . . ._

Ed, along with all the other seniors graduating, was waiting patiently in the auditorium for a teacher that's going to explain to them what's going to happen today. Ed had his fingers crossed in hopes to see George Lopez himself enter the auditorium any minute now. He didn't want to believe in the possibility that George could be dead.

"Did you hear who died?" one student whispered to another. Ed couldn't help but try to hear the entire conversation. Maybe this will clear things up for him.

However, there was too much whispering going on to fully understand anything. "Huh? Who died?" "My ass hurts." "Where's that teacher we're all waiting for?" "Kidney failure?" "I named my goldfish Samanosuke." "Oh, no! I'm really gonna miss him!" "No wonder he's been gone for a long time." "Finally, after ten years, I'm graduating!" "We should get like a piece of paper that said we graduated." "Aw, and he was a really funny guy!" "Lemme write pen 15 on your arm." "Um, that looks like –"

Silence commenced as the doors of the auditorium swung open. It was the long-forgotten secretary, Mrs. Moon-Shoulders. "Sorry for the long wait!" she apologized to the seniors. "We just needed to confirm some stuff. But now the busses are ready to take you all to your destination!"

Most of the seniors started yelling stuff that couldn't be understood altogether. "Yes, I'm sure you all have some questions on what has recently happened and what will soon happen," she said, then everyone else went back to being quiet. "Don't worry. EVERYTHING will become clear in a matter of moments. So we must hurry to the busses in an orderly fashion to where the graduation ceremony will take place. There are more than enough graduation gowns for all of you in the busses."

The secretary exited the auditorium, and the seniors followed. Ed made sure to be one of the first out of the room so he could speak to the secretary. "Secretary lady!" he called out as he caught up to her. "Who died? I need to know!"

"Isn't it obvious?" That's all Moon-Shoulders said.

_Meanwhile, in George Lopez's mansion in Central . . ._

A bunch of maids were cleaning up the mansion in preparation for a certain commemoration. Ana Serrano sat on the living room couch dressed in black and she looked distressed.

"Oh, my God, oh, my God," she muttered as she ripped a tissue in her hands to shreds. "I can't believe this is happening . . ."

One of the maids momentarily stopped her cleaning to try to comfort Ana. She sat herself on the same couch and said, "Please, do not worry, Master Ana. I imagine this must be awfully hard for you, but maybe one day you'll look back at this and . . . laugh?"

"_Laugh_?" Ana spat. "What's there to laugh about? Get back to cleaning!" Then she went back to muttering stuff. "Damn . . . Damn you, George . . . What were you thinking?"

That's when a certain someone slid down the handrail on the stairway. He was dressed in a nice tux and started doing a little dance in the living room. Then he noticed Ana's angry glare, so he stopped. "Um . . . good morning?"

"George Lopez!" Ana yelled at man who had just finished dancing. "What gave you the idea that the graduation ceremony should be held in _our_ backyard? You know I don't like having hundreds of strangers running around in any of the places I live in!"

George scratched his head. "Sorry. I thought it'd be only fair since I didn't try very hard when it came to dances. I mean, Kelly High didn't even have a prom this year!"

Ana crossed her arms. "Well, that's what you get for not even showing up at work half the time! When do plan to come back to California, and _stay_ longer than a couple of weeks?"

"Oh, so _that's_ why you're really mad," George mused. "How 'bout this: after graduation, I promise that we'll leave Central and never come back, okay?"

"Why can't we leave _now_?"

"'Cause I've got some, um, explaining to do about Paco and our worlds getting all messed up and . . . wow, we _should_ leave now!" Then the doorbell rang. "Oh, wait. I've already made too many plans today."

George opened the door and several governmental people, each with a suitcase, entered the room. He acted and spoke very different around them. "Good morning, sirs and madams. Please, make yourselves at home," he said to them. "I understand that you fine people are here to speak to this year's graduates about the nature of The No Stoopid Peoples Act."

Ana had a hand over her mouth to conceal her smile. It was always amusing to her to see her husband act like an intellectual. She motioned to the other couches in the living room with her other hand. The newcomers took their places on the couches.

"You are correct, Mister Lopez," one of them said. He opened up his brief case and pulled out a stack of papers. "Due to all the strange happenings here, everyone failed to realize something critically important about that law . . ."

George was paying no attention at all to what those people were saying. He already knew what they were at his house for and he didn't like getting bored by big, fancy words. When the people were done talking, George said, "Fantastic. You wonderful people can wait upstairs until it is time to make your important announcement. I can assure that this news will spread all throughout Central by the end of the day."

The people said _thank you_ and made their way upstairs. George took off his tie, unbuttoned half of his shirt, and sighed of relief. "Damn, I throw up a little whenever I talk like that." His wife giggled. "Oh, well. Time to gather up as much of Central as possible in our backyard!"

George and Ana walked out to their back yard. Some maids were still doing a little cleaning, but overall, the stadium that was build in their backyard was perfect. It was as big as their mansion and a good amount of Central's population was already gathered in it. "You should go entertain the guests already here," Ana told her husband. "I'll go wait up front for the graduates."

George nodded in agreement. He walked to the middle of the stadium and began a little comic skit. Ana went to the front yard and was amazed to see so many cars parking around the house and all throughout the block. But it bothered her to see complete strangers use her driveway. She decided to shrug it off and in no time at all, the busses came.

_In the audience of the stadium . . ._

Al had taken a day off from his highly successful career as a shoe salesman to see his brother's graduation. He came with Envy, Wrath, and the Hughes family. Al wasn't able to pay attention to George Lopez because he found a certain part of this situation too odd for him.

"Envy, you're . . . you're wearing a tux!" Al stammered for like the hundredth time.

" . . . And so is Wrath," Envy replied. "Jeez, is this too unbelievable?" Both Wrath and Al nodded. "So do I look better or worse?" Wrath and Al didn't know how to answer that question since Envy could take either answer the wrong way. He looked _different_, that's all. And that's why Envy didn't get an answer.

Not far from that trio sat Dante, the other homunculi, and a couple of Greed's girlfriends. Lust, Sloth, and Pride wouldn't stop whining about how much they miss prison and how much they hate Dante. Greed had no problem ignoring them, being smothered (in a good way) by his girlfriends and all. Gluttony was just happy to see Lust again. And he was also eating his seat.

George was finishing up his skit. " . . . And that's how my family's like. I used to put my sippy cup in a brown paper bag 'cause I thought that's just how you drink!"

"Pay attention, everyone," Dante demanded. "The ceremony is starting." But the homunculi weren't inspired to listen to her.

On the other side of the stadium sat Winry and all of the former State Military minus Ed and Roy since he still wasn't done with his community service. They were all practically forced to show up by friends or family. None of them really wanted to see just _one_ of their own graduating. It's really embarrassing.

"This is sickening," Hawkeye said to Ross, whom nodded in agreement. "I lost my job all because I got mysteriously drunk in Homecoming."

"And I never did anything wrong!" Ross replied.

"None of us did!" Fury whined.

" . . . Well, except for those who didn't even _try_ to go to high school!" Breda glared accusingly at Farman.

"What? I'm too old!" Farman defended himself. "I'd be made fun of . . ."

"Stop this! We should be happy for Ed!" Armstrong declared.

"Ed? Where?" Havoc shrieked as he jumped onto Winry's lap.

"Everyone, shut up!" Winry yelled as she petted Havoc. Then she pointed down to where all the graduates are. "Oh, look. It's Ed's turn to get his diploma." Havoc whimpered a little at the mention of that name again. Winry calmed him down by whispering soothing words to him she heard from Oprah.

"Edward Elric," the teacher that has been announcing names all this time said. Ed got up from his seat and gradually made his way to the pedestal George was standing on. Those damned graduation gowns were made for people of a certain height! Poor Ed almost tripped on several occasions. He would have been pissed, but he was happy to see George Lopez alive.

"So you remember the promise you made?" Ed asked George as he shook his hand. He was expecting the philosopher's stone right away.

"Oh. About that . . . you'll get it soon," George replied as he handed Ed his diploma, along with a smaller folded piece of paper.

When Ed went back to his seat, he stared confusedly at the small piece of paper. Then he secretly unfolded it and began to read its contents: _While I was on vacation, I did some research on the "philosopher's stone." Turns out Paco ain't what you're looking for. He's just as cool though – he's a plot hole!_ "What the fuck?" Ed muttered to himself. _But Paco can only move around stuff. That's how I brought some countries from where I'm from over here! And I first thought that Paco fixed my kidney, but he actually switched it with one of the Theater teacher's. _

Ed cursed under his breathe. "Shit, I can't use a plot hole to fix myself and Al! That'll only give other people our problems . . . Hey, so Hoganson was the one who died?" Ed shrugged all this off and waited patiently for the ceremony to end, until he realized something: _Holy crap! What am I gonna tell the homunculi? And Dante?_

When the last graduate got his diploma, George announced, "Well, since practically all of Central is here, I've got some people that want to make a really important announcement to you all! Hold tight!" George rushed out of the stadium and back inside his house. He gave the first maid he saw a piece of paper and told her, "Tell the people waiting upstairs it's their turn to talk. And they also need to announce what's on this paper." Then George rushed to the front yard where his wife was breaking the windows of the cars in the driveway with a bat.

Ana immediately hid the bat behind her back and swore, "Um, that freakin' cat from across the street did this!"

"No need to come up with bullshit, honey!" George told his wife. "We're leaving this place right now anyway!"

Ana stared at her husband, all starry eyed as she threw her bat aside, breaking yet another window. "Really? But I don't hear any angry mobs. You haven't told the people of Central the truth yet!"

"I'm pretty sure we don't wanna be here when they learn the truth." George reached into his back pocket and pulled out what looked like a small, black, circular piece of paper. It's Paco the plot hole!

Ana groaned. "I really hate this ride, though."

"Aw, you know it's fun!" George squealed as he placed Paco on the floor and it turned into a much bigger hole. That was their ride back to California. After George and Ana jumped into Paco, neither one of them were ever seen again in Central.

_Back at the stadium . . ._

The aforementioned governmental people stood in the middle of the stadium behind the graduates and in front of several microphones. One of them read from George's piece of paper: "To start things off, George Lopez had a little announcement he wanted to make. He is truly sorry for causing so much confusion in this world and in his own. Therefore, anything belonging to his world will soon disappear from this world."

The audience didn't seem too happy. They started whining about how they'll miss vacationing in the new foreign countries, eating churros, watching TV, and so on.

Another governmental person began to speak. "This is all for our best interests. Many of the foreign objects such as _television_ and _lava lamps_ have made a great number of us utterly stupid." The audience reluctantly agreed on that.

Then the most important-looking governmental person began to speak. "Furthermore, I presume that everyone here remembers The No Stoopid Peoples Act?" Everyone complied by booing and cussing a lot. "Yes, I understand that most of us were angered by that. However, upon further investigation, we discovered its folly, so that law has been repealed for several days now." The audience became confused by his choice of word.

Another governmental person took a stand to clear things up. He sounded really nervous, but mostly scared. "You see, um, it turns out my four-year-old son somehow got into my paperwork and thought it'd be funny to play a little joke on me . . . What I'm trying to say is: there has _never_ been a No Stoopid Peoples Act."

First, there was utter silence. Dante and the homunculi only looked a little displeased because they would have liked to see the military get kicked out of the country. Al, along with several other working people, was actually relieved. Ed and Hughes' family weren't really affected by this. However, the other members of the military could only exchange bewildered looks. Bewilderment turned to anger, then anger turned to homicidal.

Riza Hawkeye stood up from her seat and screeched, "WE DID NOT JUST MISS NINE MONTHS OF WORK FOR NO FUCKIN' REASON!"

Another governmental person calmly replied, "Central should be angry at _you_ militarist for not functioning properly for nearly a year."

That was too much for Hawkeye and the others to handle. The militarists came storming down the stadium's stairs with loaded guns, explosives, rocks, torches, and even pitch forks. They chased the governmental people out of the stadium, leaving behind a trail of wreck and carnage. Nearly all of Central's civilians took the military's example and joined in on the witch hunt.

Ed was caught in the middle of this chaos and he was only sure of one thing: he really hates graduation gowns. So Ed ripped out of the gown and shoved his way through the crowd to where he saw his brother sitting at.

"Al! You alright?" Ed asked when he found his brother sitting calmly in his seat. He, Envy and Wrath were chatting with the Hughes family about how long they think it'll take before the governmental people get killed.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be alright?" Al asked.

"Hi, Ed!" Hughes waved at Ed. "Congratulations on getting your diploma! Now you're gonna get paid more than Roy! Isn't that great?"

"We're very proud of you, Ed!" Gracia said as Elysia and Wrath gave Ed a hug. "I'm gonna bake you a cake!"

Ed scratched his head. "Um, thanks but . . . I'm confused. What's going on?"

"It doesn't matter what just happened or who's going to kill who," Al said, sounding all philosophical.

"Yeah, what matters is that everything's turning out alright for _us_!" Envy added.

Ed almost didn't recognize Envy in a tux. "Whoa, you look . . . um, different?"

"Aw, thanks, nene!" Envy replied. Wrath and Al looked at each other for a while, then shrugged.

When the rabid crowd died down and all the fighting was taking place outside the stadium, the person they least wanted to hear from showed up next to them and said, "See, Envy? You look lovely in proper clothing." It was Dante.

"Shut up, you old hag!" Envy spat. Then he noticed that all the other homunculi were behind her and they looked terrified.

"Do you really want to anger me?" Dante tested Envy. "Now tell me: has Edward obtained the philosopher's stone?"

Everyone turned to look at Ed. "Uh . . ." Ed began. "First of all, how badly do you all want the philosopher's stone?"

"Very badly," Dante replied. The homunculi nodded vigorously in agreement.

"That's the thing we've been searching for all this time!" Al replied.

"Hey, we'd like to see it, too!" the Hughes family added.

"Okay . . ." Ed said. "That means that there's gonna be a problem."

Dante opened her mouth to reply, but Lust closed it back for her. "Oh, no there isn't!" Lust said. Sloth and Pride helped Lust restrain the kicking and scratching Dante. "Sloth, Pride and I have decided that we will be going back to living happily in prison and we're taking Dante with us so she will never bitch at another soul again."

"You can't do this to me!" Dante said in a muffled voice.

"Sure we can because we have some beads left over," Sloth explained. She put one of the necklaces around Dante's neck and handed some to Lust and Pride.

"I wanna go where Lust goes!" Gluttony declared as he took a necklace for himself. Then he, Lust, Sloth, and Pride dragged Dante out of the stadium to go look for some cops.

Greed was confused. "Okay . . . I guess it's safe to start looking for my girlfriends now." And so he left the stadium, too.

Envy and Wrath watched Dante being towed away as if it were the best ending of the best movie ever. "Hey, this means we don't have to worry about Dante anymore!" Envy cheered.

"Yay!" Wrath cheered. He jumped onto Envy and got twirled around a couple of times.

"Hey, let's throw a party for having such a good day!" Hughes declared.

Ed knew that his theater teacher had died today; he discovered that going to high school was never required to keep his job, he didn't get the philosopher's stone, and there's a small civil war going on outside the stadium. But other than all that, it _has_ been a good day! He felt like agreeing with Envy: what matters is that everything's turning out alright for _us_! So they did throw a party at Hughes house.

Fin

Aztec Goddess: Central went back to being orderly when the governmental people died, two hours into the civil war. The military learned to forget the nine months they weren't working. Ed had a great time with his family (Al, Envy and Wrath) at Hughes' house and it looks like his future will be filled with many more happy memories. Greed continues his pimptastic ways. As for Dante, it didn't take long for her to realize that the other homunculi were right: _Life in this prison is the best gift anyone could ever get!_ Hope this story has proven to be a funny, _educational_ experience! XD Hasta luego, 'til I come up with another fic!

To **Nayru**: I updated as soon as possible. Man, it's so hard to write endings 'cause it's like . . . the ending! Well, I tried my best. Hope you liked it!

To **Lil-Kudo**: Brace yourself 'cause you'll probably be forced to read some of Shakespeare's books in high school. Anyway, I would never let George Lopez die! He's my hero!

To **Spearette**: I always give Ed a break in the very end. After all, the poor nene has gone through enough shit in this story.

To **Everto Angelus**: Yeah, I know Quagmire 'cause I love Family Guy! But I think the new season doesn't beat all the others.

To **Elixane**: George Lopez is most popular in California, so I guess that's why you've never heard of him. Where'd you learn Scar and Abel's real name? I've searched everywhere to try to figure it out!

To **AnimeCrasherz**: Aw, don't cry! I'll try to come up with another good fic really soon! And, wow, you beat me when it comes to randomness!

To **Iwin Ulose**: Heh, you tried to read my mind again, didn't you? But it _was_ one of the teachers, 'cause well, it had to be.

To **Kitsune Freak**: Gasp! You thought I'd kill George Lopez? And I don't see anything medical about someone sticking their hands into George's pockets to find Paco, but that'll be kinda disturbing. And I would have made Ed do it! Ed: What'd I ever do to _you_? I thought everything's suppose to turn out great for me in the end!

To **Angel-of-Music1331** (ch 21): Nice to see you're back online! Hope to see you update next week!

To **NekoRaven**: I've always wondered why FMA humor is thought uncommon here. I've been wanting to break that rumor!

To **Angel-of-Music1331** (ch 22): You fell just now? Wait, then you wouldn't have a brace so soon. Never mind. Glad to hear that this cheered you up!

To **Angel-of-Music1331** (ch 23): What's cruel? What I did to Russell? I think he had it coming, flipping Greed off and all.

To **ooOAnimeChildOoo**: It'd be hard to write this fic if the characters weren't OOC. We must praise how odd characters can act in fan fictions!

To **nonesofar**: Okay, I'm off to review you! Cows taught Ed how to be a man, whether he would like to admit it, or not!

To **nadisrad**: Ed read the kidney thing. But he wouldn't have gotten all freaked out if he read just a little more. And that moment was my favorite part to write! That's how Ed and Envy should have acted in the end of the series!

To **White bandana **(ch 20): The bead thing is simple to explain: I made the cops hopelessly stupid. And I don't think Spanish is hard, but then again, I speak all improper since I learned it at my family's corral. And I'm Aztec Goddess 'cause I have Aztec ancestors! Plus, I like the way it sounds.

To **rya-tabry**: Thanks! I dunno when I'll write my next Humor fic, though. I don't have many funny ideas left at the moment, but I'll try to come up with a new story soon.

To **MetalWing Alchemist**: I let Ed graduate since it was pretty much pointless anyway. So do you remember what you were gonna say? I'd help you remember, but I wouldn't know . . .Yay! Cookies!

To **White Bandana** (ch 23): Well, I promised that one will graduate, so happy graduation day, Ed! I dunno how I came up with half this stuff. Anyway, thanks for such a high grade! Yay!

To **sexylucifer**: _Doomed_ is such a strong word. They really enjoy jail!


End file.
